thank you for your support. I am 24 right now, and was 13 when he died. the anniversery was just about a month ago of his death, and was very hard this year. Right now i have the fear of dying of a heart attack, like he did, but am working very hard to get myself in shape and to lose weight and get everything under control. I am also trying to make myself not worry about something that isn't in my control and to possibly think that i will live to be 80, rather then the cup is half empty and will die at 41 like him.
i was never the one to go see a doctor and always self medicated myself(marijuana) and now i feel like i have had an awakeing. The reason for my anxiety problem started about a month and a half ago when i did some crystal meth, was up for 3 days and had a panic attack and thought I was having a heart attack. i wasn't addicted to it, but had done it maybe 15 times in my life and feel like that was my dads way of letting me know to stop using that crap, which i havent used since then and never will touch again. same goes with marijuana. I was feeling fine about a week after my panic attack, and thats when i thought i could smoke pot again. I smoked it for maybe 2 more weeks after that, then all of a sudden i got this horrible nervous feeling in my stomach which didn't go away for maybe a week or 2 and couldn't stop my brain from thinking the worst possible things were going to happen. i also believe that was my dads way of letting me know to get off that stuff too. the nervos feeling is gone, but i still have trouble sleeping, wakeing up sweaty a few times a night, but am able to go back to sleep it seems right away. my therapist thought it might be post tramatic stress disorder, which i believe but then again who am i to disagree. i don;t want anybody to think i am running for the knifes or shotguns to end my life. on a scale of 1-10, 1 being a thought of suicide and 10 doing it, and 5 planning it, i would say i was at a 2. i havent had the same feeling, but i didn;t tell anybody and just felt guilty for not telling anyone, especially my therapist. now i just have the up and down feelings that most feel with depression. if i stop thinking of anxiety, i am fine. once i think about it, i get depressed. i think medication and a job change is just what i need to help myself. right now i work graveyard, and have been trying to switch shifts but always am ignored by the store manager who just says nothing is available. so i went over his head, and called around to the different stores in my area, and found 2 that were looking for people on the 230-11 shift, which would be awsome. sorry if i am rambling, but just trying to get everything out there. anyways, write me back when you guys get this, and thank you so much for your kind words. they mean alot to me.