Need to Vent, feel the person that needs to listen, won't

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Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/14/2012 5:27 PM (GMT -6)   
I know its been awhile.  I was actually doing quite well for some time.  I actually have posted this on several alcohol related boards.
 
First, the good news, I didn't do anything wrong.  The bad news, I feel as if I am being punished, unjustly, and its really working on my depression.
 
I told my therapist the whole story, and she said, "X, you should be proud of yourself, you did everything absolutely right in this situation."
 
So the situation...
 
Several weeks ago I was at a business conference.  A good friend of mine (and colleague - different office) got HAMMERED!  I mean she was completely sloppy.  Anyway, we've known each other for several years and always had. I don't know, good vibes about each other, she was a colleague I thought highly of and vice versa.  Over the last several months, we actually got very close.
 
Both of our ex-spouses left each other, at around the same time to.  This eventually led to us getting closer for obvious reasons.  We could both empathize and relate to each other, literally.
 
So, back to the conference, she is wasted at some bar we're all at.  She ends up talking about one my meetings to a colleague of mine, who does exactly what I do (she does something different), and it just happens to be the one guy my boss and I wanted to keep this information away from.  The business politics are not worth getting into, it was just a tight spot for all of us.  Now, she didn't know this and depsite what she thinks, she really does understand our side of the business...at all...and she for a very intelligent woman has no tact or street smarts.
 
So, she says to my colleague, "Yeah, J is meeting with Y also."  And she calls me over and I'm on the spot!  This other colleague of mine is looking at me, she's talking out of line, I'm not sure what to do so I play stupid like I can't hear her.  Oh, my other colleague picks up right away and says to me, "X, let me go get you a beer," I say, "thanks."  So, I'm about to give her the background, my boss emailed me this morning, this is what transpired, and before I could even finish one setence she goes off!  "you lied to me! Why the hell did you lie to me!!" I had been drinking a little, but I'm really calm, I like, "X, I did not lie to you, this is what.." she didn't want to hear it, she kept screaming at me and then saying, or me insuiding some very hurtful things toward me..."I learned a lot about you right now, we can never do business together, etc. etc." She's making no sense.  But I don't want her mad at me....to give you some perspective, a normal person in this situation, would've said, "X, what was that all about?" and probably even laugh as I told them...its the biz.  I can see though, I'm not talking to a rational person so, I leave her be. I don't need this and a drunk woman in a business setting is a time bomb ticking to explode.
 
A colleague of mine who witnessed the whole thing told me I did everything right and she's very sick and its very unfortunate.
 
I can fast forward. We have our own company/client party.  I can tell there's some tension between us, I get her by the bar, say hello, tell her she looks great and asks if she's ok.  She says I'm fine, I'm just taking back by you last night.  I answer, funny, because I actually am as well by you and quite hurt by it.  She says she is as well, she doesn't understand why I would lie to her.  I answer, I did not lie to you, I played stupid, there's a big difference.  There was a lot of things about this situation you don't know about, which she concedes that I might be right.
 
I really don't care about the business part of it, oh, my boss knows about this and his advice was I should've told her off and what a ridiculous amateur she is, and why is she messing up our biz and he'll have a word with her as well. I'm glad I took the high road.
 
I ask he if she'd like to go somewhere and talk about it for a little bit, she slowly shakes her head and says, "X, I really can't do this with you right now."  I say, ok, I do understand, but I just wanted to make one point, all I care about right now is our personal relationship, the business thing I can take care of, I even told her I was having an anxiety over it, which she thought was odd. She was like, "Why?" I told her the truth, "your one of my favorite people here, I don't want something like this between us." She then said, "we're ok," and left.  I knew we weren't.  I gave her space the whole rest of the night and did my own thing.
 
I saw her the following day before I had to leave actually.  It came up again, which she claims she over it, and even subtly makes fun of me for taking it personal.  I ask her is she wants to talk about it, she shakes her head no.  I say ok.  I simply tell her you know I really care about you, she nods yes, and all I care about is our personal relationship is ok, she assures it is, I kiss her on the cheek and I'm on my way.
 
I find out the next week, she went to my boss like three times asking if she was in trouble, even emailed him several times.  His response was always the same, "No."  Eventually he said, "Listen, you're not in trouble (my boss has no juridiction over her), I do know some things were said, and frankly, X was upset that happened, if anything, you owe him an apology...let's just all go out next time you're in town.
 
I thanked him.  That's all I wanted.  We both agreed the best thing is this will blow over.
 
So, I said, my therapist was very proud of me and told me I did everything right.  She said it was very peculiar that a woman did not want to talk about something and her going to my boss repeatedly, show's evidence she knows she was wrong.  My boss even said, I wouldn't hold your breath on an apology (which i don't care about), she's probably feels like a complete loser and idiot about this.
 
So, I lay low for a few weeks.  I finally txt her on Mother's Day...nothing comes back to me.  Keep in mind this is someone who I would chat with, quite a bit, actually, scaringly regularily even, for someone who lives in a completely different area...darn, I txt with her more than the girls I was dating where I live.
 
This gets me really upset and I am still upset.  I txt'd something I would've normally txted her, like nothing happened.  I don't need to talk about that past event, unless she wants to.  This is someone who not that long ago said to me, "I feel very fortunate to have someone like you in my life. (or a friend like you, don't recall exactly)"  I think I'm finding it very hard to comprehend why someone who feels that way about you, does something, granted, really stupid, but then would consider abandoning you from their life.
 
All I can think of is about a year ago, my wife left me, and then one a guess real friend I've made since then, now acts as if I don't exist to her anymore.....  it's really hurting and I can't shake it....
 
Sorry for blabbing.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 5/14/2012 8:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jay P,

Sounds like this is bringing up feelings from your other break up. That always stings doesn't it...

She probably feels pretty embarrassed from the incident. Can't you go to her house and try to talk to her? Since you can't reach her by phone...

Do you have her convinced that you didn't lie to her? Or do you think she still believes that?

I sure do hope that you work this out. Is this effecting your depression in any way?

Don't think of it as babbling, you were venting... And that is acceptable here. I am gald that you can feel safe to come here and talk. Keep posting and let us know how it is going.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/15/2012 12:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen

I'm pretty sure she knows I was not lying. She never got the whole story, but then again, she didn't want to hear it, which makes sense. If she heard the whole background, she then would know really what an idiot she looks like.

We do not live near each other, I'm talking different states.

My therapist said he Fact she repetedly went to your boss multiple times o ask the same thing, "am I in trouble?" shows consciously or unconsciously she knows she screwed up; also the fact she didn't want to talk about it.

Actually you mentioned breakups, my dr. Said that her reaction, while obviously irrational due to inebriatiion, was probably more a projection of her own failed marriage - I.e. here's another guy a trust betraying me.

Funny, I even told me ex wife this story and she said the same..she doesn't hate you, she's embarrassed and cares about her business image....and I just need to give it time....she knows she over reacted and it almost had really bad consequences for her.

I see my Dr. tomorrow. I think she said if she doesn't respond to the first like nothing happened, I can be a little more direct next time...something like, "hey I miss our chats, is everything ok? Will be in town soon, I'd like to treat you to dinner" - something like that

.she could've been just busy, just in the past she would've responded back in like 5 mins or later apologizing why she couldn't.

Thanks again... I appreciate the support....it amazing, the one time in my life, I respond absolutely spot on correctly in a precrarious situation which could've been a lot worse....I feel like I'm being punished for doing something wrong, an ironically, I am actual the victim here.

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/15/2012 12:30 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh, I didn't answer your question yes it is affecting my depression...it kind of is the only thing.

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/15/2012 2:10 AM (GMT -6)   
"It amazing, the one time in my life, I respond absolutely spot on correctly in a precrarious situation which could've been a lot worse....I feel like I'm being punished for doing something wrong, an ironically, I am actual the victim here".

Hi Jay,

I think this is what you have to hold on to. Not only that you handled a difficult situation very well but that you are a very good person.

Recently I had a "friend" behave very well and slandered me to 40 "friends" and I lost most of my social base. The pain was excruciating. These people were family to me and flicked me for much the same reason you are being snubbed - for having integrity and managing a situation well.

I know your priority is your friendship with her and you seem like a very loyal person. You seem forgiving and able to hang in there. I don't know whether you can or can't have a reciprocal relationship with this woman. Only time will tell. You have held your boundaries with love and respect. Her personal development mightn't be at equal places as yours.

That you can talk about a deeply sensitive vulnerable issue with your ex wife makes me wonder why that relationship has ended. Is she a genuine support for you?

I'm asking more questions than attempting to answer - but I think your experimenting with new behaviours and changing things up is going really well. Let Miss Muffett clean up her whey in her own time.

In my situation, my period of grieving was intense and I still get angry sometimes, two months on, but I am glad that I didn't invest any more of me into people who weren't the kind of people I thought they were.

Also - write down all your best traits - get a friend to do the same - and read them out 3 times a day - with feeling - and thinking of examples. This is a time to boost you as you grief your friend being a bit silly.

One foot in front of the other - good luck and well done so far :)

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 5/15/2012 7:25 AM (GMT -6)   
You are going to get through this, it is going to take a little time. Keep hanging in there. And take it one day at a time. I think this will blow over and she will be getting back to normal. She is embarrassed.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/15/2012 11:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey thanks both of you!

My therapist pretty said a lot of the same things. First let me see if I can answer your questions Living Well.

My ex-wife...we simply grew apart, it was a very amicable divorce. I do miss her, but for the wrong reasons. We both did some wrong things, we hurt each other and I did kind of check out. We never handled our bad times the right way and when we realized that it was too little too late. But yes, we genuinely care about the others well-being and she left me, so its not like she wants me back or anything.

My therapist said the same thing, just hold your head high and be a good friend, if she ultimately continues not to respond, then the problem is definitely with her and you will need to move on, but know you did everything you can, and you can hold your head high. While we are in different divisions and different states, we work for the same company and come into contact with other, professionally, from time to time. My therapist said, if you do all you can do, there's not reason you can't act normal in business settings, she might be uncomfortbale, but that's her problem not yours. If she doesn't come around, my therapist pretty much said the same thing, as you put it, her personal developement has some deep rooted issues, which I cannot control and is unfortunate.

She seems to think most likelt it will resolve, it just make take some time...if it doesn't, then my friend has some deep rooted problems and I hope she figures them out.

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/16/2012 1:52 PM (GMT -6)   
I thought I'd check in. Also, for some reason today, my depression is really kicking in hard! I don't know why, I'm on meds and I intellectually understand the situation, but today is a bad day. I'm sure this is the deep root of it...still. I feel pathetic. It is definitely affecting my profession. Without getting into too much detail, I would fall under the "white collar" NYC professional...think kind of like Don Draper (I'm not in advertising though; I've been told I look like a smaller version of him from time to time). The point for me bringing this up, is just I'm sure I look like the typical, confident NYC professional, outside, but inside I hold this dark secret.

I was on a date and drank a little last night, I stress a little, but three glasses of wine, perhaps the sugar got me a little edgy, but I'm definitely not hung over nor do I have that anxious next day drinking feeling. I'm simply sad now, the jitters are even gone.

I sent my friend the light email, a mother's day one, like nothing happened, it's something Iwould've done, no response. My therapist pointed out that this could take awhile, depending on how she is handling or sees the situation. I asked my Dr. (who is a woman) that since she was so wasted, is there's a chance she's remembering something entirely different? Or rationalizing this in her head that some how it is my fault? She said, possible, but unlikely; if that was the case, most likely she WOULD want to talk to me and point out what a "terrible" person I am.

The Dr. also said that it is okay for me to feel that I have a right to know where we stand, or why she's acting different all of a sudden. I'm not like some guy she went out on a few dates with or something like that - I'm a colleague and a friend.

I was married and/or or with my wife for all of my thirties and twilight of my late 20's - we met when I was 28 going on 29. I'm 37 now, and realize through that time period neither of us made any real new friends during that time. The one new, good friend I make (male/female dynamic aside) decides to abadon me (apparently), because of something she did to me, and I don't care about it. I think that is what makes this so hard...for all I know I'm over reacting.

I sent something more descriptive, but to the point last night, which I was told was okay...simple...hey bud, I miss you and our chats, hope all is well, would like to see you and hang out soon. (we were supposed to this month)...still nothing...

Therapist advice...just keep being a good friend and taking the high road...still feel like crap...

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 5/16/2012 4:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Alcohol is a depressant. That is probably why you feel like you do today. It can linger too.

I agree with your therapist. Do take the high road. Nobody is perfect so there are a lot of times we just overlook things and still be there for that person. Give her a little time. Try not to overthink things.
Who knows, she might have a bug or something.

I hope that you feel better.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/16/2012 4:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Getting by, thanks.  I shouldn't have that happen with that little alcohol, but yes, it may have something to do with it...it went away after awhile.  the only other thing I can think of, is if for some reason she is pissed because I told my boss...I had to, we don't give a crap about her getting wasted and acting like an idiot, more concerned about the business effects of it, which there were some.
 
You're probably right, she could just be sick or away.  I think my problem is, I hate not knowing.
 
I keep on thinking what if I didn't even attend this thing...how much better things would be, but then my business would've suffered.
 
 

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 5/16/2012 6:21 PM (GMT -6)   
I really think that this will all blow over. People don't always use good judgement. But we can't judge them for that. I think everybody makes mistakes. And I think she is more embarrassed than anything and will come around soon. Probably after she figures you will forget about it. And I really can't blame her for that. It is human nature.

I wouldn't be quick to think she is mad at you. And if she is, that is her problem. She iwll get over it.

Take care of you...

Try not to drink. Even if you don't get a buzz, the small amount of alcohol will effect an already depressed mind. Go easy on yourself.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/17/2012 9:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen, I really do appreciate your thoughts, especially from another female. Yes, this person is my friend, but we all know male/female relationships are always a little different, and I'm quite sure we've both thought about each other in that other way....whether we wanted to or not. :-)

As for judgement, darn, if I think if all the things I've done drunk or hight that were crazy, she is not even in the same ballpark as me; not that I'm proud of that past, but I'm definitely not one to judge.

It's funny, a few months ago we were talking, or was when we were hanging out the last time she was in town, I don't it exactly recall, but she mentioned that she didn't want to ever go out with me hard, or late, I don't remember exactly what she said, but basically she didn't want to go out drinking hard with me....I was like, "Why not? "and her response was, "I want you to always have a high opinion of me." I was like, "You're being ridiculous."

Well, I guess I now know why...

You're right I am hard on myself. Everyone I know is like, "Um, if anything you should be pissed off."

As for drinking, I think you're right. I was with my running club last night, then went down to the bar in the club. I ran a little over 5 miles. Long story short, I had four beers, I actually met a very nice woman, we had a late dinner (no alcohol), hooked up for a little, then she went home...Again, had a great night sleep.....Today, I woke up feeling the same jitters. Four beers, even with the meds I'm on, a full stomach and good sleep, should not be giving me jitters like this...so I will take that advice.

It's so weird, on the surface, I appear to the outside world as this typical, somewhat stoic, white collar NYC business professional....and have this secret depression inside no one knows about or would believe if I told them.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 5/17/2012 3:15 PM (GMT -6)   
A lot of us put on a front. Especially when we are feeling bad. Are you taking any meds or seeing a counselor for your depression? I would highly recommend doing that. It really does help. Many of us here have been in counseling for years. I have. I only go every other month now. But I still go. I hope you feel better soon. Keep posting. Remember that she is probably really embarrassed right now of her actions and what she said. So try to be patient.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/18/2012 2:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen, yes I do see a pscyhologist every week and do take Prozac and Welbutrin. I'm over due for a visit with the psychatrist to talk about the meds, she's had some recent family emergencies.

It's definitely helped, this past unfortunate experience is actually, in many ways, a testament. I recognized right away what the hell was going on, with her projecting, the alcohol, etc. and as everyone pointed out, I did everything right; even offered to talk about it, something I would've never done in the past.

I know one of the reasons my marriage fell apart was because when things got bad, my ex-wife and I never resolved anything, we just moved on, I thought everything was fine, but she did feel scars, obviously; hence, which is why I offered to talk about the situation, not to judge, to clear the air. I can understand why she wouldn't want to. Having all the facts laid out, would only make her look even more foolish.

A good female friend of mine (different one), pretty much has said the same thing you have (even my ex-wife). In her experience, it sounds like her head is all over the place. She said that it is just going to take time. As stupid as this whole thing is, the projection of it made it traumatic. My therapist decsribed this a good way, we're creatures of impulse and habit, and its evolution. For example, when we were running around the wilderness as hunters and gathers, and we'd see a deadly snake, our reaction, by habit, would be to jump away, etc. Now, we may see some twigs or sticks that appear to the shape of a snake, and made do the same thing - our mind is the same. Think of some war veterans that may crouch down, or get jolted if they say, hear a truck backfire - because they were exposed to a lot of bombs, mines, etc. every day. All she felt, for whatever reason "betrayle" was triggered, and you don't have to be a pscyhatrist to figure out where that would take her, she even acted that way come to think of it - the way she dealt with it, her mannerisms, etc. - it was as if I was in a predicament with a gf. I mean even the way she said, "J, I really can't do this with you right now," was just kind of creepy, like I said, as if we were dating or something like that.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little better today. I didn't drink anything last night, which I think helped. I'm also trying to think optimistically.

I'm not sure if she came into town this week or not, she never responded, like I said, but if anything that my other friend says is true, it's probably too soon.

Thanks again.

J

getting by
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   Posted 5/18/2012 3:24 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you are right about the facts coming out would make her feel more foolish. It is like she doesn't want to listen to it. I can't say that I blame her. If you really think about it...

I guess there are times when things need to be hashed out and other times, things are just better left unsaid. I guess that is up to you. The need to talk things out and clear the air for some people is strong. But for others, it is easier to just get on with life and close that chapter. I found there are many things not worth worrying about. And that is easier for me. I ignore a lot. Maybe I am copping out, but if I am happy, and life is easier, I choose that route. One day at a time, that is all that we can actually do.

I hope you are feeling well...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/21/2012 10:41 AM (GMT -6)   
HI Karen, again, thank you for the words. As for "hashing it out" truthfully, I don't really care. I just want things to go back to the way they were. The only point I wanted to make was, I did not lie, which I'm pretty sure got through, and only cared about the future of our personal relationship.

Yes, I don't blame her either....I had an interesting discussion about this with my therapist last week...I don't remember if I posted this or not, if its dupilicate, bear with it. :-) I think I figured out why I was so upset, I mean like I said, I've been fretting this more than girls I'm dating. about a year ago, my wife left me; now, my one person who I felt like a new "friend" and someone that I could relate to (the divorce situation) has abandoned me as well, and worse, I didn'd do anything. Funny, but my marriage, I can point out things I did wrong and lay some fault to myself.

Karen, I understand the issue with women, not just women, but people and embarassament. I remember when I was younger, or not so much younger, and I felt I may have acted foolish while drinking or on something, I would tend to lay real low for awhile. Most men don't give a crap, I know most women do (unless you're my sister :-) .)

I was dating a women, still talk to her, actually I do like her a lot, she's very busy, who knows we'll see. Anyway, to make a long story short, we hit it off our first date and ended up sleeping together. We then went out a few days later for my birthday, we were then supposed to go out that following weekend, but had a little miscommunication problem, no big deal, I hung out with her and her girlfriends for a little bit, then out of no where, there was radio silence !?!?! I couldn't figure out why? I thought maybe her friends were pretentious a didn't like me? Not sure why they would think that, but it is NYC and there's lots of messed up crazy people. The miscommunication...maybe...

Anyway, I still kept in contact with her, following up, sending pics, messages, etc., she wouldn't respond. Then one day, randomly, she asked me out for a drink, I had plans, so we went out the following night. It was great! We met for a drink and a light dinner and then I eventually asked, "what happened?!"

She then told me that she was, well, embarassed. She was very long winded about it...I think her main points were, well, she said, one, in many ways it was a compliment to me because she felt comfortable with me, but second, she does not, or claims, she does not just sleep with men just like that...."we're not 25 anymore, etc." She kept saying, but it was a good conversation.

I then said, "Well, why didn't you tell me this? For the longest time I thought I pissed you off some how." She ensured that was not the guess, but again, she was too embarrassed to talk to me.

Come to think of it, it makes a lot of sense. I get it, and in this situation, I find it quite normal and understand how she felt and why.

Now this situation, while the other one is more normal, and this one is so stupid, I think the fact that its so stupid just makes it, ironically, a much worse situation, I think.

Some times I feel real okay with it, knowing I did nothing wrong, and all I can do is be a good friend, unconditionally, and hope she gets it. I know I will see her in a few weeks, regardless if she's looking forward to it or not....but sometimes, like now, I feel real bad. I know my boss was just talking to her, so I just felt, you know that nervous feeling you get when you think about people sometimes.

I sound like a broker record, but everyone says give it time, and I have or I am. When she didn't respond to my message when we were, well, originally, supposed to see each other, I didn't push. The only other message I sent her, was a work related one regarding a pitch that went a little crazy.

I think the thing I am scared of the most, which makes it all the more frustrating, is, for whatever reason, she's decided to cut me off, for good, which I find hard. Like I said, I don't know how you can say to someone, "I feel fortunate to have someone like you (or a friend like you) in my life," and then throw that away over a misunderstanding...actually, not even really a misunderstanding, something foolish you did.

getting by
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   Posted 5/21/2012 4:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Do you think maybe it is time to let this go? Do you think it is bothering you too much? It is hard to say what is in her mind, but it looks like the ball is in her court now. Waiting for a response is okay, but don't let this consume you to the point where you can't function. It seems like you have been struggling with this for over a week now and I don't think this is that healthy. I just don't want to see you struggling any longer than you have to with this.

I hope that you are having a good day. Remember, live your life. Do what is right for you. We are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/21/2012 4:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen, you're right this isn't healthy and I'm finding it very frustrating, because intellectually, I know this. I was just on the phone with my ex-wife, to see what the hell is going on with finalizing this divorce. Anyway, this came up and my ex got a little annoyed, not because it was about another women, but because she doesn't understand why I am putting so much energy into this; she even pointed out, "J, you already have two warning signs that this may potentially be a very negative person for your life, why are you letting it bother you."

She's getting kind of sick of it. That's the cool thing about ex-wives, if you're ever feeling pathetic and needy, bother them, what are they going to do....throw you out? ;-)

My ex yelled at me that I have to let this go, don't contact her, when you see her, just act as you normally do and chances are she'll say something to you. Then I have another friend (fenale also), telling me I should do the exact opposite...."oi!"

I'm not having a good day and I feel as if I can't live my life today. This just sucks.

getting by
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Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 5/21/2012 5:26 PM (GMT -6)   
I had a rough day too. Plumbing problems still. It has been five days and it still isn't done. I didn't rent a motel room tonight, so... If we don't have water, we are screwed. Oh well. We are waiting now to see if it leaks or not. We keep running into leaks. And believe me, you don't miss the water until the well runs dry. We can get water directly out of the well though. And we have rain water we can heat also for baths. So we'll get by, one day at a time. We are remodeling the bathroom and kitchen right now. But the contractor isn't very dependable through out this job. We should have been done days ago. But it is too late to hire somebody else. OH well. LIke I say, we will get by one day at a time.

The day is almost over here. So tomorrow will be another day for both of us. I think your ex gave you some good advice and I would follow it. I think it is time for you to get on with your own life and be happy.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/21/2012 7:05 PM (GMT -6)   
getting by said...
I had a rough day too. Plumbing problems still. It has been five days and it still isn't done. I didn't rent a motel room tonight, so... If we don't have water, we are screwed. Oh well. We are waiting now to see if it leaks or not. We keep running into leaks. And believe me, you don't miss the water until the well runs dry. We can get water directly out of the well though. And we have rain water we can heat also for baths. So we'll get by, one day at a time. We are remodeling the bathroom and kitchen right now. But the contractor isn't very dependable through out this job. We should have been done days ago. But it is too late to hire somebody else. OH well. LIke I say, we will get by one day at a time.

The day is almost over here. So tomorrow will be another day for both of us. I think your ex gave you some good advice and I would follow it. I think it is time for you to get on with your own life and be happy.

Hugs, Karen


Hey Karen, thanks again. Ugh, I re-did my bathroom (in Manhattan) and it was a nightmare! I only have one bathroom and any construction done in a Manhattan apt is a nightmare because of the tight space, so I definitely can feel your pain. I was running to my club to take a shower, the laundry room to go to the bathroom....ugh. But yes, tomorrow is another day for both of us and I see my Dr.

As for my ex, yes, I think she gave me some good advice; with me, not knowing what's going on I always second guess myself.

Now, something important. I decided to leave work a little early (for me what it is a little early) and was going to go to the gym, but saw it wasn't really raining anymore, so I decided to go home, get into my running clothes, job back to Central Park and run some hills; the best thing I did.

I ran 6 (up and down is 1), A mile jog warm-up, mile job cool down. I feel frigin great right now. It's like everything has come into prospective, I already know how I will deal with this, I know when or when not to contact, I also know how to act when I see her. My therapist was right, there's nothing wrong with trying to show unconditional love or concern to a friend....I'm just being a good friend. It would almost be weirder if I was in her neck in the woods and didn't reach out to see if she's around. But yes, until then, I think unless she contacts me, lay low.

Karen, I also think you're right about the alcohol. I did drink Saturday during the day, I didn't get stupidly drunk, even had a nice low key date that night, was in at a decent hour, but felt a little weird the next day, it passed though. I had brunch with my parents and had two glasses of wine. I went on a 5 mile run later, which started out rough, but I got into it...anyway, I could tell I was dehydrated - combo of alcohol and salty food. I think that may be why I woke up like this this morning....I mean, its weird its only two glasses of wine at around 1-2 in the afternoon, but perhaps it has an effect the next day.

Like you said, tomorrow is another day...for both of us.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 5/21/2012 8:24 PM (GMT -6)   
The bathroom isn't done, but I took my first shower in it. Felt good. At least not at the motel. I am happy for that.

Sounds like you are learning. Especially about the alcohol. I like an occasional beer myself. But barely drink anymore. If I do, I only drink one. It could even have a lot to do with the sugar too. Not just depression. But alcohol dulls the senses for me. And I don't like that. I like to be all the way here.

I think things are going to get better and better for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/21/2012 9:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I like beer and I like wine, but do notice the sugar in wine can have some edgy after effects some times. I also think it has something to do with the meds as well.

I notice, usually if I have 2-4 beers out one night and get to bed, or start getting home around 10 and stop drinking, I'm usually fine. But lately, things have been weird.

I went out to watch the Rangers game at this bar I like to watch it. I simply got something to eat and drank club soda, now I'm back home to watch the third....I feel good.

I think the reason why this situation still pines on me is because of the absurdity of it...and, like I said, I feel like I'm losing one of the few new friends I made since I've been "unmarried"....and I didn't do anything. I remember in the past, tons of dumb crap I've done, drunk of course, that effected various types of relationships.

Karen, alcohol makes me off the next day some times as well. I tend not to want to see people the next day, its weird. I don't do stupid crap when drinking anymore...I just feel weird...anxiety, don't feel myself, like you said, something like..."not on"...it annoys me, then I start second guessing myself the entire day.

People under estimate what your own shower feels, its more of a luxury than we realize, or, as you know you realize it when you lose it. There's is nothing like cleansing your body in your own space...there's something comforting about it.

I'm glad you have at least part of it back.... :-)

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 5/22/2012 6:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much. That is so true. I am glad to have my bathroom partially back. It should be finished today. I hope...

Got to go to the laundromat too. Don't have a washer and dryer hook up here. That will get me out of the way while the guys are working.

I think you are right about the alcohol. All these little things we do I think are a part of depression. Feeling anxious, second guessing. That is all a part of depression. And that is just with a couple of drinks. Imagine a person who drinks daily feels. And they don't even realize what it is doing to them.

I understand you feeling the way you do. You didn't do anything wrong and you are getting punished. But I think if you keep looking at it like she is embarrassed, you wont feel so punished. She probably has no clue that you feel this way either. Hopefully when things get back to normal, you will be able to talk to her.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jay P
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/22/2012 2:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, we all take running water for granted. Karen, I actually do have good news.

Well, first, I met with my therapist again and this is all we spoke about. It's obvious why I'm upset; also, hehehe, in the past when these things happened, I usually, say 90% were in fault of the outcome....

We spoke about it for awhile, about letting go, how to approach. The problem about letting it go is, despite being friends, while different markets, we are colleagues and are paths will cross - even if she hates me, professionally, it makes sense to rectify the situation.

Also, you're right, she probably, actually I can almost guarantee has no idea I feel this way and why. My therapist and I had a game plan, but we can squash that now. When I got to my office, I had recieved this txt msg....first, to back up, my msgs was ...hey, I miss you and our chats, hope things are well, I'd like to see you and hang soon."

So, exactly a week later, I recieve this..."Hey there...just been busy...working on the house and traveling. hope all is good with you."

It was like a weight was lifted. I automatically felt better. I even called my therapist, I never do that, she was ok with it though...she was very happy to recieve my call and said I can pretty much assume everything is back to normal...I don't have to be plannig my contacts, etc.

I think this was all a combination of like we all said, she was embarassed, she does care what others think of her (e.g. my boss - and she should), she also cares what I think of her, that whole line of, "I wouldn't want to go out dirnking hard with you because I want you to think highly of me" And, it just needed time and I do truly believe she was busy...she does have to travel a lot for her job and I know about all the house the house stuff.

However, hehehe, I have not responded back yet, I probably will tonight at some point....

This should probably be in another thread, but it does work into depression and relationships, because even I noticed this at one point in my life as well...you ever feel, or have been living when you find it easier to talk to people you really don't care about, or, let's say acquaintances, then the people you actually really do?

Anyway, Karen, I appreciate your support. I do need to take these things in more stride...I wasted so much time harping on this...I couldn't help it though. I'm glad I didn't bother my friend with it, and, my only needy annoyed casuality is my ex-wife.

:-)

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 5/22/2012 4:09 PM (GMT -6)   
I am so glad that things worked out for you. I would just continue the friendship as it was. Not discuss this with her. Let it ride and start anew.

I am happy for you...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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