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Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/19/2012 4:22 AM (GMT -6)   
I've got a bit of ptsd happening. I'm going well with being in the present and distracting myself but I'm still finding it hard going.

I could really do with some comforting about now.

Jade x
 
 
 
Jade, I gave your thread a title.  You will get more responses that way...  Hugs...  Karen....

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 5/19/2012 5:51:15 AM (GMT-6)


CuriousKitty
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Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 5/19/2012 5:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jade - i just read your post. I just wanted to let you know how wonderful and caring you are to host those chats weekly. You do such a great job. You seem like such a wonderful human being. As for how your feeling, I dont know much about it but distraction can be very helpful sometimes. What do you do to distract yourself? What do you enjoy?

I just wanted to let you know I am here and listening. :)

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
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   Posted 5/19/2012 6:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey Kitty, thanks for your kind words, you are a joy to have in group too you know!

I've upped my anti-depressants. I'm doing the present moment stuff - the breeze on my skin, the afternoon sun on the trees, the rustle of the trees, the sound of the highway, the occassional dog bark. the birds tweeting - not as in Twitter. (Birds are clever in Australia, but not that clever). I brought in my washing in and folded it. I went to my friend's wedding ceremony earlier - it was beautiful (even though I felt blue). I put away my washing up and cleaned out my freezer. I have my second DBT group. That always helps me pull me out of myself and look at what other skills I could apply to my pain. I made some nice healthy dinner and uploaded the photos from my friends wedding, so the people who didn't go, could experience some of it.

The maternal abandonment/rejection is hitting hard atm.... and the lifelong fall out from it. They say Helen Keller healed her maternal abandonment issues, but I suppose she didn't have treatment resistant bipolar as well! ? I've got to be realistic about how well I can get, so my efforts go to activities that can have rewarding returned. Nevertheless these are some suggestions by Linda Joy Myers, Ph. D., for healing the pain of maternal abandonment.

1. Remind yourself of these things:
a. It was not your fault.
b. You were not a bad child.
c. Your mother may not have realized how deeply this affected you.
d. You deserve love.

2. Create joy and beauty in your life now.
a. Gather supportive friends and loved ones around you.
b. Feed yourself good food, and treat your body well.
c. Give yourself birthday parties and moments of celebration.
d. Create your own family, whether it is your own children or friends whom you adopt as your new family.
e. Appreciate each day as it unfolds.

3. Find the help you need to heal your wounds.
a. Find a therapist who believes that the past affects the present and can help you work through it.
b. Write your story-from your point of view all the way through.
c. Illustrate your story with family photos.
d. After you write your story, write the story of your mother's life. Research her life as best you can. Illustrate it with photos.

4. Use visualization, meditation, and prayer to get in touch with the life you want to live, and the blessings of your life
a. Meditate in quiet surroundings each day for at least 10 minutes.
b. Read books that inspire you to love and accept yourself.
c. Share with others your healing story.

I do most of that in various ways, but they are kind of things to chip away at and only do when safe. I think I might do more 20mins of writing each day about my childhood traumas (and even adult trauma) just to try to bring them to surface. Hopefully once I acknowledge them and work through the pain they may subside a bit as the memories are reframed into more powerful and self-affirming thoughts(as above).

I know I am intellectualising - and I need to learn to tolerate higher levels of pain than suppressing memories and pain. It seems like it is one of those processes that one has to move directly through - with all the psychological skill we learn and develop.

40 years of rejection is an exquisitely painful accumulation of experience. Only by accepting myself and doing the above will I short circuit my mothers abandonment of me - and prevent not so much rejection of me as an adult. Yes comorbid mental illness does not help but I do my best.

Thanks for listening xxx

Hugs,

Jade x

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/19/2012 7:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jade,

Sounds like you are on the right track. Thanks for posting all the helpful stuff. I hope you are having a nice weekend.

Take care...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

CuriousKitty
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 5/19/2012 7:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jade,
you are amazing. thank you for sharing that and thank you for welcoming me into that wonderful group. Not as in twitter eh? great sense of humor too. You have been very busy despite not feeling your best. You have so much strength inside of you and compassion for others. Those are 2 huge strengths I got from you in our last couple exchanges. Also thoughtful of you to upload the pics of the wedding for others. You exude so much kindness.
And making a healthy dinner is always a wonderful thing to do for yourself. Way to go :)

as for the rejection issues; I can only imagine. As for the bipolar I know a little about bipolar because i have had people close to me with that, so ive know it first hand. I also understand that the stresses of life, be it past experiences or what not make it worse. With regard to being realistic, I think its important not to pressure yourself to overachieve, rather know that little by little with time and commitment you will get better. But take it easy on yourself and give yourself the room to breath. Also little activities that bring joy I think can add up to help us along; although they may appear insignificant on their own, they are very significant because without them we can not move forward, so dont discount any of your positive actions. But you're are great :)

Do you like plants by chance? just curious...

as for the points you raise.. they are all great and can be used at different times.. and by the sounds of it you incorporate them well into your life.

I also think writing is a great way to get emotions out. Talking to a good confident can also be a great way. You're amazing in your approach.

Just wondering if you have good plp around you that are helping you through this? I hope you do or that you continue to in the future. You have so much to offer the world and you clearly do daily.

im still listening... thank you for sharing and letting me participate.

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/19/2012 6:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen and Kitty,

Kitty you are a shining light. You use your frustration constructivelywhen you see harm. And you otherwise focus on building on the positive. I regard you highly.

For me, using the antidepressants instead of the sedatives for PTSD seems to has had better effect for me. My pdoc knew I was trialling this approach and I look forward to telling her my further findings.

I think they call it reactive attachment disorder or merely attachment disorder when one cannot bond stemming from the maternal abandonment. I have 40 years of accumulated rejections. It is like an avalanche when I tap into that pain. I have never been accepted or had an enduring bond with another person. I get rejected and the pain intensifies. The efforts to get well, have always ended up with me being rejection with intensified pain around rejection.

Thank you for seeing my strength and compassion. I had to do an exercise where people identified my main features - they too identified strength and compassion - so unwittingly you are feeding into me me owning my strengths for a better self esteem.

I love plants but my fatigue can make it difficult to look after them. After 2 months of not being able to water them, I'm doing my best to bring them back to life! (I don't have any support).

Thanks for your post Kitty. Hugs x

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
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   Posted 5/19/2012 6:42 PM (GMT -6)   
PTSD is a real PITA. I can certainly empathize with you. I had my own bout with it several years ago. I can remember feeling at times anger, confusion, isolation, resentment towards others who did not seem to even try to understand that my feelings were real regardless of what they thought about the underlying cause, and so forth.

I was a bit of a mess for a good 6 months until I finally found a few people who had been through some similar experiences to mine that triggered the PTSD and was able to talk to them about it.

Keep working at it. Things can get better.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

CuriousKitty
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 5/19/2012 8:03 PM (GMT -6)   
thanks for your kind words Karen, but I think all we are striving be the best we can with the circumstances we have in front of us. Sometimes that allows us to only do so much and we have to accept that as long as we do our best in the moment, we are doing enough - that is true success. As for channeling my frustrations, if i can make the world a better place using that as my fuel, that is a very exciting prospect.

as for your trialing antidepressants vs sedatives, i dont know anything about it but sounds interesting and thought I can rationalize why that might sense, i think you need to listen to how you are feeling to navigate such waters. Only you know best with the guidance of your pdocs expertise, but you are the expert of your feelings. So good on you for taking control of that and being curious enough to explore your options. I think thats great.

With regard to the rejection issues, i listen with an open heart, and hope that you find support in others here and those around you. Little by little I hope those bits add up to something that can help support you in your journey to healing.

As for seeing your strengths, I do see them from our few exchanges, and i hope that helps you to see them more vividly too, because they are there inside of you always and are appreciated by many around you.


As for my question about growing plants, I just find them an encouraging activity to participate in when its possible. Even if they die, you can grow them again and they never expect or judge. Something magical and inspirational about looking at dirt and seeing nothing there and all of a sudden a seed sprouts new life and hope. I wonder if that might encourage or inspire you a little on your more challenging days. No worries if they die, you can always sprout a new seed, hope is only 1 watering exercise away. But only when you are up to it. Just wanted to share something I find a peaceful and motivating activity when no one else is around.

have a wonderful weekend Karen :)

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/19/2012 8:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Jim,

I'm glad you were able to work with it so well.

I started cleaning out my garage but ran out of puff, so I hopped on line to try to connect with the world. I don't have any real life friends so that makes connections difficult. But they just end anyway (given history) and make the ptsd worse.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous here, so I should make myself something yummy, sit in the sun and listen to the birds, breathe and focus on my body sensations.

I will probably go for a drive later to better drink up this lovely weather. Distraction, distraction, distraction! :)

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/19/2012 8:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Did better, went for a walk, and got some exercise and no polluting. I went to where there is a cute poodle but they didn't look home today. I've decided to take 2.5mg of Valium to take the edge of the pain, which it does so well. I'll stay on the higher dose of antidepressants until my mood lifts and then I will lower gradually - and hopefully avoid hypomania. I still might go for a drive to a new area where there are new things to look at that might pull me out of myself a little better. Pain sux.

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/19/2012 10:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Played some literati - that helped - along with the Valium

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/20/2012 1:23 AM (GMT -6)   
I had a sleep and did a crossword. My boy is home now.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/20/2012 4:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey LW,

I love plants too. I made three moss baskets the other day. They were fun. My girlfriend helped me and did one for herself. I have always loved to garden. I love plants, but don't have enough room for all that I want.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of good things for yourself. Remember we are all a work in progress. And doing the best that you can is all you can do. I think as long as we try, things work out for us.

I hope you are having a good Sunday. Keep us posted. Are you from Australia? Just curious. Thought that you posted that once. But not sure. Forgive my lousy memory.

Take care LW...

Have a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/20/2012 5:18 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen,

Yes, an Aussie gal. Today has been a tough one but I've got through it. There has been some nice things happen despite the archived pain coming out. Finished off my Sunday and am off to bed now. Hope you enjoy the rest of yours!!!

Hugs,

Jade x

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/20/2012 6:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jade,

Thank youso much. Nighty night...

Hugs...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

CuriousKitty
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 5/20/2012 10:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey LW.. i got your email. thank you. talk soon. I will be out today but will reply afterwards. Hope you are doing well. :)

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/20/2012 5:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Howdy, I'm still struggling with energy but the pain is not so bad atm. My son is staying home from school because he is doing his advanced maths to finish off his course and the only tutor who could do advanced maths was yours truly and I had to leave because he was accepted - so he has to stay home with me for this last component. Make sense? LOL
Well I best be off - I've got a lot to fit in today and that is a good thing. Distraction helps so much! Jade x

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
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   Posted 5/20/2012 6:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Took my son to breakfast - he loved it. Looked at shops and went to places he'd like to work. Now it's time for him to knuckle down to work! :)

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/21/2012 2:08 AM (GMT -6)   
Well today went much better than the past few days. I was a bit vague but not too much. My son and I worked hard on his schoolwork and got a bit done. His new worksheets still haven't come - they are 21 days late. I think I'll go and demand them from the site soon! LOL
I'm feeling a little lonely. I think it is good for me to feel that - because I try to suppress it. Loneliness passes, just like every other emotion. Two days to my voluntary work and I start with a new counsellor on Wednesday afternoon. I've got to start having hope that my life could be worth living one day. I work every day towards that goal and endure. But I'd like to get passed the PTSD and get the bipolar under control.

UserANONYMOUS
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Total Posts : 4483
   Posted 5/21/2012 6:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Living Well,

Sorry to hear about your PTSD.
It seems like you've got your distraction plans in order. I know it can sometimes be hard to use these techniques but I am glad that you are able to follow through with it.

Always remember that you are never alone. We are here to listen whenever you need us :-)

Hope you feel better!

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/21/2012 4:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks UA - those antidepressants on the higher dose that usually make me go hypo has meant that I still have been able to function despite my PTSD symptoms, so I'm happy for that. My son didn't sleep last night, I'm going to ban him playing the x-box after 8.30pm. It is disrupting his schoolwork too much. So today I have my son under foot but not rejuvenated enough to do his schoolwork. I've had my morning meds - and will make up some breakfast. I have the tenancy lady calling me later to for dispute resolution. It all feels to hard today. Step by step, I'll do my best. Thank you UA.

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
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   Posted 5/22/2012 1:09 AM (GMT -6)   
I went to the animal shelter to cheer me up and nearly came home with a dog. Why do I torture myself so!?
I went to the shelter because animals cheer me up and I don't have one - I put my name down to foster though :)
My son finished one part of his study today - and we also spoke with the shelter about a three month placement at the shelter for his work experience component.

The real estate have really pushed my buttons. But I'm managed to put things into perspective (I think) and successfully attended to everything that falls into my responsibilities. I've sent them a growl letter, letting them now at what point I will bite. I was probably a little too agro, but I needed it known that I've had enough. I think I have managed it quite well.

I find it very triggering.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 5/22/2012 5:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Enjoy your foster dog. I think this will help you. They love unconditionally. The only creatures that do...

I am glad you sent a sharp letter. YOu are very brave and they will know that.

Keep your chin up. Things are going to get better. A dog, so cool!!!

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/22/2012 6:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks so much Karen - your words really cheered me up :) I have my voluntary work tomorrow - that will be a good distraction :) and so rewarding, I love it! :)

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/22/2012 1:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I am glad that I cheered you up today. I hope that you have a nice day. I went to the laundromat, and now am working on all the dirty dishes. We didn't have water for a few days, so I think we dirtied every dish in the house. Now we have water and remodeled the bathroom. Tile getting laid today and the vanity will be put in. I am very happy.

I am glad you have voluntary work tomorrow. Let me know how it goes. I am glad you are working with animals. They are awesome. You have a huge heart.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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