I've been trying to do all the right stuff and get as much help as I can, but every once in a while I get this attitude of impatience. I'm worried that I'm stuck in this conditionion for good like so many others who've posted here. I know it's not helpful to think that way and buden myself with more worry, but after a certain point it's real hard not to.
I find myself battling guilt much of the time. I don't have much guilt when I'm not depressed, but when I am depressed the guilt is the central focus of my despair. Truth is I have done some things that I deserve to feel guilty for, so when I'm depressed i really tend to punish myself for all my past sins. I also spend a lot of time praying for forgiveness and mercy. I know I've not been the person I should be and I have to try to be a better person when I'm no longer depressed. The problem is I have a hard time believing I'm forgiven and a hard time forgiving myself. It's like I'm tainted and I can't break free of the things I've done. This just becomes an endless cycle and really wears on me. Maybe I deserve to suffer.
I don't think I'm overall a bad person, there are just some bad choices I've made, some bad habbits I've gotten into. I've also been pretty selfish and not helped others as much as I should, I want to change that. I've also been too critical of others at times, and now it seems I'm turning the tables on myself. It's just very hard to find peace when I'm dealing with all these personal conflicts.