Help with depressed wife

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New Member

Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/23/2012 12:10 PM (GMT -6)   
New forum member today but after reading some of the other posts in this topic, I think posting may be helpful.

The back-story: I am 33 and my wife is 28. We met online, dated for about a year, and have been married now for almost 7 years. Unfortunately, the last few of those have been far from ideal.

I am 100% convinced my wife suffers from depression. My wife lost her dad at 12 years old so I can't help but feel like that played a role in her current mental state, but I could be wrong. She frequently comments about how she hates her life/job/house/marriage or whatever is the target of her passive-aggressiveness that particular day. She frequently displays the tell-tale signs: fatigue, lack of energy, helplessness etc. She also has other "hang-ups" like talking to people on the phone and driving herself places. Unfortunately, I helped sustain some of her insecurities during the course of our relationship(i.e. driving her everywhere.) about 4 years ago, back when we actually had health insurance, she visited a counselor about 7 times and was put on a low dose of Citalopram. If I recall correctly, the therapy/medication did help to some degree.

I say if I recall correctly because the past year or two, she has progressively become worse and it has slowly been consuming our relationship. As far as my role in this, I would like to think I am a pretty good husband. I went through an unemployed period a couple years ago but in 7 years of marriage, I have NEVER cheated or abused my wife, much less said a harsh word to her, which might be part of the problem. There seems to be a double standard in our relationship where she can freely say anything she wants to me, no matter how mean or hurtful, but she is hyper-sensitive to any kind of criticism and/or emotion behind my words. While I have read numerous articles online that tell me not to blame myself for her illness, I can't help but feel at least somewhat responsible. It really feels like she just complains about problems in her life, but expects me to put 100% of the effort in fixing them. One great example is our sex life, or lack thereof. During the first year or so we were dating, it was never an issue but my wife NEVER initiated any of the encounters. Over time, the lack of initiation started to wear on me. I felt that either she was just too insecure about herself or wasn't attracted to me enough anymore to do so. I have told her how I fee about the situation numerous times and always to no avail. She will insist she does initiate and essentially shifts the blame back to me. She frequently likes to make mean spirited comments about our lack of sex life, but beyond that shows absolutely no effort to fix it.

The same principle could be applied to many other aspects of our life. Even when something good happens in our life, it seems like the happiness she shows is fleeting, if genuine at all. I don't think she would be opposed to counseling/medication since she has tried it in the past. Unfortunately, without medical insurance, my options are very limited. I love my wife dearly but this is beginning to tear me apart inside and I feel like I can't continue to live like this. How many times can your spouse tell you the life you share is crap before you start to believe or resent them? I'm hoping anyone out there can offer any kind of advice that may be helpful. I really want to get my wife the help she needs so we can try to salvage this marriage, if that is even an option at this point.

Thank you.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 5/23/2012 1:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Lost in WI, welcome to the Depression Forum,

Yes, without insurance, help for your wife may be liminted to an extent.

Frankly, what she needs is to have a conference with a psychiatrist who might let her know what the real problem is for her. Then, if you can afford to have him prescribe medications for her, letting him know that you are on a limited budget and cannot afford continued psychotherapy for her and would appreciate a prescription for a medication that won't break you financially, you may be able to get her stabilized.
Some doctors may permit you to pay on a monthly basis or on another time basis; I just don't know about those things.  I've heard of what is called "a sliding scale" in which one pays based on one's income.  You might ask about that.

The newer medications such as Lamictal or Abilify, (depending on what her illness is) should be avoided only for the sake of financial cost to you. There are, however, some excellent antidepressants she might be prescribed if it turns out that your wife has a depressive illness and not a form of bipolar illness.

If at all possible, please see that she talks to someone with a medical degree who can prescribe appropriate medications. That should help to alleviate the problems in your home.

There may be some other type of financial help available to you. Others may be along later who can advise you about how to obtain that.

Take care.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 5/23/2012 2:05:19 PM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42206
   Posted 5/23/2012 3:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi LostinWI,

Welcome to the depression forum. I agree with IG, check into counseling for your wife and if she needs medication. There is a site for that that may help you...

I read in your post where you feel you are maybe responsible for part of your wife's depression, but I missed what it is that made you feel this way. Mostly you talked about your wife, her attitude and her comments. So if you could, please let me know why you feel this way. No that in no way are you responsible for your wife's depression. We, as depressed individuals, own our depression. There may be things that trigger it by other people, but we have to learn to deal with that. So don't feel responsible, but let me know why you feel that way.

I hope that things get better. Do get her into counseling and on medications. There are ways to do that cheaply. Once she starts to feel better, she may be able to work on ways to help with financial things or even need less treatment. But it is so important that she seek help.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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