Why doesn't anybody love me?

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Thru
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/3/2012 3:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey everybody. I'm new here and this is the 1st time I have ever been on a board. I don't seem to be able to talk to my family and friends about this, so I've decided to turn to you guys to see if somebody here has any answers or advice. I'm a married woman with 2 grown daughters and suffer from chronic depression, anxiety/panic disorder, and insomnia. I've been like this my entire life, although the anxiety/panic is in remission right now. I had a break down many years ago and was in therapy for 3 years. This helped me alot, but as most/all of you know, these problems are treatable, but usually not curable. I grew up in an upper middle-class family. Everything looked great from the outside, but on the inside it was horrible. My Father was extremely abusive and violent. He terrorized me, my Mom, and my 2 brothers. He beat and choked everybody except me on a regular basis. I got mine in another way....from the age of 8. I graduated from high school at 16 and left home the next day. Fast forward....I got married, went to college, worked hard in my carreer, had 2 daughters, obeyed the law, paid my taxes, voted, minded my own business, kept a nice house, never cheated, did my best to be a good mother and wife, had mostly a positive outlook, and tried so hard to be optimistic and happy. I always gave what I didn't get.....love, hugs, security, fun, friendship, understanding, and support. I swear I did....I still do when they let me. I've sincerely apologized to my husband and both daughters for anytimes my depression or anxiety problems caused them any inconvience or worry. Now with all this said, my real question is: Why do they hate me so much? My Dad obviously hated me, but so does my husband, my oldest brother, and my 2 daughters. My Mom's not that crazy about me either. The weird thing is almost everybody else loves me...co-workers, friends. Most people think I'm hilarious and I get invited to most everything. When I do go out, which isn't often, I have to go alone, because my husband will not go with me. Men have always been attracted to me and still are. My husband doesn't care at all. I have long-term friends that know me inside and out and they think I'm great, but the people I truly love can't seem to love me back. I'm sad and lost. Thank for listening. ~ Thru

BrianJ (bne)
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 198
   Posted 6/3/2012 4:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Thru,

keep coming back here. I too grew up in an apparently warm, loving household - with an abusive, alcoholic mother and a father who just stayed away to avoid it. Take comfort and strength from those who really know you. I have never understood why people have to treat others, particularly those closest to them, like dirt.

I have experienced a lot of that lately myself. I'm not the best person to speak to right now but please do return here. I've been here a few years now and it always helps.

Brian
Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.


- Emerson

Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tourettes, Bipolar, degenerative disc, sciatica, anxiety, RLS

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/3/2012 4:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi thru,

I had the same thing, over jealousy with my family. It makes it hard. You don't feel like you belong anymore. I would suggest surrounding yourself with the people that you do feel love and care about you. I dont' understand a lot of your situation, so I don't know why your family is treating you like they don't love you. Are you sure it isn't your depression talking? Are you going to therapy now? Would you consider it if you aren't? I have been in therapy for years. It always helps me. It keeps me balanced and stable.

I know it hurts when you feel people don't love you. And I am sorry that you are feeling that way. I wish it were different. Have you talked to your daughters? What do they say that makes you feel that they don't love you? Or what do they do? Same with your husband? What is it that he does or says that makes you feel that he doesn't love you? Please give us some more information...

I hope that you feel better soon. Do take care, take your life one day at a time...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Thru
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/3/2012 5:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Brian,
It means alot to me that you cared enough to send a message, and thanks to you, I will keep coming here.
I like the Emerson poem alot.
Terri

Thru
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/3/2012 6:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,
What I didn't say about my husband is that he has been a high-functioning alcoholic for years and he's selfish and emotionally absent. He stopped drinking a year ago due to health reasons. I thought his alcoholism was the reason for his abusive ways towards me, but man was I wrong. His verbal abuse is somewhat better, but everything else is still the same. He's not physically abusive, although he tried once when we were first married. But after I explained to him that since I grew up watching extreme violence from my Dad towards the people I loved, I simply could not tolerate it from him or anybody else. He actually listened and has never tried to be physical with me again. He wasn't/isn't a good father to say the least. I tried my best to protect my girls from his alcoholism, but they seen and heard too much. I was a good Mom to them. Always involved in their schools, arranging for them to take piano, guitar, tennis and gymnastic lessons. Letting them be in choir and band, play soccer, and cheerlead for their schools. And play county softball. Both have always been popular, pretty girls with lots of friends. My oldest graduated from the University of Ga with high honors and is now successful in her business and marriage. My youngest is still finding her way. I have talked to both of them about their feelings and anger towards me, and they will tell me they do love and respect me etc, but whenever each one is having a bad day or whatever, they don't hesitate to tell me that I was and still am a horrible mother, and any problems they have is my fault, I make them sick, they don't want to be around me, and (of course), that I'm crazy. And then when they feel better or they need me, they act like they never said anything to me. They both know about what my Dad did to me, and that my oldest brother left me, and how their Dad has always treated me and my emotional problems due to the sexual abuse...and they know how much it has hurt me, but they don't seem to care. Maybe they're mad at me because they think I didn't protect them enough from their Dads alcoholism....I don't know. I've talked to them about this, but they just say, noooooo, you did your best, you were a great mom, etc. Then BLAM! I guess it's hopeless because I don't know what else to do. To tell you the truth, I just think I'm unlovable for some reason that I don't understand. There has been way too many people that seem to think it's okay to say anything they want to me and to treat me bad. And the worst part is they actually seem to enjoy it when they do.

Thru
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/3/2012 6:13 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry my posts are so long. There's just so much bottled up. I forgot to anser your question about therapy. I haven't seen my pyschiatrist in years because I can no longer afford it. I wish I could.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/3/2012 6:34 PM (GMT -6)   
The best advice I can give is to avoid the toxic people. You don't need that in your life right now. But I am sure you wont want to do that, because they are your children. Is there anyway that you can ignore the bad comments? And just let it go in one ear and out the other? Or tell them that it hurts you. There are only so many options here. And being that they are so close to you, it is going to hurt even more. Is there any chance that any of them are drinking when they tell you these things? Or are you argueing when this happens? What brings up the arguments? I am just wondering why they say what they say.

Often mental health facilities have what is called a sliding scale. If you are low income, they will adjust your payments. I would check into that. Or with your local social services. I once went and it only cost 5.00 and she didn't charge me it. But that was years ago. I saw a social worker at that time. They can be very helpful.

I hope that things work out for you with your children and your husband. I am sorry that he is the way that he is. Have you ever thought of seperating? You don't need to live with the emotional abuse or any other kind of abuse. You need to feel safe and be happy. I hope that everything works out for you. But I think you are going to have to look at this and ask if it is worth continueing. With your husband that is... If he continues to be abusive, you have the rest of your life dealing with that.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Thru
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/3/2012 7:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Thnx Karen. I know my situation is difficult, being that it's my children and husband that are being awful to me. They can be very toxic, but when they are good, they're great. It seems they lull me into a feeling of security, then unleash on me again. Sometimes it will come right out of the blue and other times it might happen because I said something that was taken wrong. It happened the other day when I asked my youngest daughter if she left her glass outside. If either daughter or my husband gets mad at me or is just having a bad day, they explode on me and think this is just another opportunity to tell me how mich they hate me and everything that's wrong with me...past, present, and future. I stopped defending myself awhile back. I usually will just walk away and go into my room. Sometimes I leave in my car, but I always ignore. Sometimes I think that that in itself is a problem. I'm a pretty good-natured person, usually fairly quiet....and maybe because I let them get away with it.....they keep doing it. I tried to teach them what I think are the important things, be kind, don't judge, work hard, appreciate what you have, beauty comes from within....all the ole hippy values, but they seem to pattern themselves after their Dad.
To answer your questions:
~There were a few occasions when both girls were drinking when they attacked, but that's not usually the case at all.
~I have told them it hurts me, and they always say, "sorry, I was having a bad day", or they deny it was that bad. I gave up trying to talk about it, after the fact, a long time ago.
And BTW, they don't gang up on me, they do this individually. They talk about it though, because each one will tell me what the other said during an attack.
~I've thought a million times about separating, but just haven't been able to make myself do it for one reason or another. Mostly because I'm depressed (isn't that ironic). :)

I do surround myself with non-toxic great friends alot. We have alot of fun. I've often thought how much better my depression, anxiety/panic, and insomnia would be if my situation were different. But then again, maybe I bring this hatred out in people that I love. If I do, I honestly do not know what I'm doing wrong. They always say it's my fault, they just never tell me how.

Anyway, thanks for talking to me and giving me advice, I really do appreciate it.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/3/2012 8:13 PM (GMT -6)   
If you are going to stay, you will have to teach your self to ignore the comments, I guess get a tougher skin. I am sure that drinking makes them say bad things. Even if they aren't drinking every time. But that is often when we blame others for our problems. I guess in time, they will grow up or stop. I just hope you can handle the wait. I am sorry that you are going through this. I know family can hit below the belt a lot and it hurts.

Here is a site that is free and there is another person who went to it and it is helping them, it might help you too...

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome.

I hope that it helps. I hope that you have a good night. Take care of you. That is most important right now.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Kaely
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 619
   Posted 6/4/2012 12:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi and welcome, Thru.

The reason they treat you like this is because you allow it. Why do you stay with your husband? It doesn't sound like you're happy at all.
As to your kids, well they are probably angry and messed up because of their father. Don't take what they say to heart.
I grew up in a family that hated me. Especially my mother. You know what? I don't talk to her now because it's just not good for my mental health. She does that be nice till she sucks you in stuff, then unleashes on me. So boy do I understand that! I know how horrible it is to relax then get attacked. It's like living in a horror movie full time. The only way to deal with that is distance.
You said you can't afford a psychiatrist. well if you're depressed you can see a regular doctor for meds. I don't know if you've ever tried Al-Anon but I think it could help you and it's free. Al-anon can help you with the co-dependency issues.
I hope you do get some help and keep coming back here. There are great people and resources on this forum :)
Chronic pain, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tennis Elbow (both arms), Arthritis (knees and fingers), Diabetes. Ruptured disk L-4, Severe degenerative damage L5-S1, ACDF C6-C7
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Wednesday, September 19, 2018 9:16 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 3,004,934 posts in 329,180 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161751 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Roadranger82.
353 Guest(s), 4 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
PeterDisAbelard., JNF, Todd1963, Sherrine