So tired of just treading water...

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BrianJ (bne)
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 198
   Posted 6/3/2012 4:07 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm having a real bad time. The woman I live with and had hoped to grow old with, told me just a few days before my sister passed that she thought we should split. I have to move to a different city for work and to give my kids a place to live while at university. This woman knew this long ago - that I'd be moving and hoped (hell, assumed) that she'd join me. Well, she said it's too early for her having just become a Grandmother. We'd only be an hour away!

Anyhow, what could I do but say "OK" but we agreed that we'd stay close as a couple till I move in July. We had spoken of the possibility that she could join me in a year or two so obviously try our best to keep the relationship alive and well.

Then one day about a week ago she gets a call at midnight - fine, we're up watching TV - once off the phone she came to me and said she didn't want to sneak around behind my back so she told me she's been talking with her Ex. I said OK - what could I do? - I am leaving after all. BUT, then she tells me she's going to see him!! At midnight! ***?!!

That hurt like hell but we talked the next day and she said she didn't want to be intimate any longer as it would not be fair to her EX, who she's obviously thinking of reconciling with. OK, I agree to that, unhappily.

Two days later as I'm going out to play pool she says she won't be home that night. Not home till after work the next day. I thought, "ok, this is screwed" but maybe she's just going to her son's to stay with the baby. That was my hope all the next day but when I asked her she told me she spent the night with her Ex. ***?!!!

She didn't want to hurt him by sleeping with me but thought NOTHING of sleeping with him after we'd been together for a year! I'm not even out the door and she's jumping into bed with him! Well, I told her precisely how I felt and now she has promised (ha!) to wait till I'm gone. Shows how much she cared about losing me.

It hurt so much, I was desperate to get out of the house before July but have no place. So I did something really stupid, I asked my Ex if I could stay with her and the kids till I got a place. WRONG thing to do. She's so angry now that I'm pretty sure I've lost her as the very close and caring friend she has been.

The final straw came on my son's 20th b'day. She was so angry the day was lost and I know it hurt my boy.

So now I have no one in my life that knows me, understands me and can provide support. My sister was my rock, my anchor. If not for her, I surely would not be here today. My guiding light, my strength and all my courage. My Ex and I have had an extraordinary relationship since we separated but I feel that is also lost. As to my most recent "partner", I can't stand being near her but at the same time, I yearn for her touch - just a simple hug. Something to remind me that there's more to life than pain, suffering, anguish and loss.

That's all I feel now. Just bad. I've found myself thinking more and more about how difficult and pointless my life has been. I do wish I'd never been born. I don't give a hoot what anyone cares to read into that - this has been my life, not theirs - and quite frankly, I'm too darned tired to deal with any of it anymore. If it weren't for my kids, I'd no longer be here. I just want to disappear.....go away and not look back..........maybe join my sister.

What's the point? Ya work, you push yourself, starve yourself, bend over backwards for your job, lose yourself in a career, pay so much in taxes there's nothing left when you think you can stop working. Nobody will ever know I was here or what I did - no one cares. This existence is just so darned stupid. A waste of life - even one as disemboweled as mine.

Pointless, fruitless, loveless, careless, useless.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/3/2012 4:47 PM (GMT -6)   
I am truly sorry that you are so down right now. Things seem hopeless, but they are not. How old are your kids? Just curious...

I know that things seem pretty bleak right now. But don't let this get you down. Try to look at the bright side of things. You are working. You do have a roof over your head (tho it is probably not the most comfortable place to stay). There are people that love you...

I don't care how you slice it, but I think your girlfriend should have waited for you to leave before she started her thing. It just seems very uncaring to me. But you know her, I don't.

Did you say she was the one that got mad when you asked your ex to stay with her? Or was it the ex that got mad? That one I couldn't quite figure out...

I think you need to talk to a counselor about your depression. It sounds like you are depressed and are only seeing the negative side of things which generally happens. A good counselor can help you out of this. We can help you also. Coming here for support is great. Continue to do so.

I hope that things start looking brighter for you soon.

Take care...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BrianJ (bne)
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 198
   Posted 6/3/2012 5:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

I asked my ex-wife (separated 9 yrs) if I could stay with her but I should have thought better of that - we split because I was unfaithful - so telling her my troubles was a really, really bad idea.

You're absolutely right that my GF should have waited till I was gone - I can't believe how uncaring she was! And she has the gall to tell me afterward that she's still in love with me! What the hell am I supposed to make of that?! Did she just want a romp in the hay? I am so lost - I do love her and had always thought we'd end up together once I got settled in this new town. I wonder now what would have happened if I didn't move - would she have cheated on me?

She is a very mixed up person. I think what she does with relationships is keep 2 going in case one falters or till she knows what she wants. I just hate how I feel. I have no home at all. I come to work and all I do is sit around feeling ill. Just sick in the pit of my stomach.

My kids are 23, 20 and 19 - the oldest is living on the streets somewhere.

I just don't have any more fight left. Yes, I have a job and somewhere to lay my head but if this is all there is after all I've been through then life is definitely NOT worth the trouble. I'm sorry I brought children into this world and sorry I was ever born.

Brian
Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.


- Emerson

Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tourettes, Bipolar, degenerative disc, sciatica, anxiety, RLS

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/3/2012 6:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Brian,

You have to keep going. You can't give up. If I were you, I would look for another place to stay. You don't need to be going through this now. You can always make new friends. And good friends. Not be treated this way and be expected to take it. Are you going to any type of counseling? I think you could benifit from it. You may even need some medication to help you through this. What you got was a kick in the teeth from what I see. And you don't deserve that. I would get out of this living situation as soon as you can. It does not sound like you mentally strong enough to deal with this. Try to ignore it if you can. Tell yourself that this isn't going to effect you anymore. Because it sounds like she is going to do as she pleases. And you can choose not to let it effect you. Try that until you can get out of there. And do see about counseling. It really does help to have the support of somebody telling you that you can make it.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BrianJ (bne)
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 198
   Posted 6/4/2012 6:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

I've been medicated for depression and bipolar disorder since 1996. My meds are working - I am quite active with my doc in maintaining an even keel. I'm also working the next 3 nights - 12 hr shifts - so counseling is not an option right now. Honestly, just 10 minutes ago I got a reprieve from an unlikely quarter.

Today has been no better than any of the past 12 - I've never been so depressed - and coming to work was like a dream. So, once here and settled in, I did something I'd never thought of before. I actually did a web search on how to  successfully. Yeah, I was pretty low. Anyhow, I hit on this site that went on to describe just what I'd asked.

However, the writer first asked that I give him 10 minutes and read what he had to say.

I don't recommend this site to everyone but perhaps, as a moderator, you will follow this link and see what help this could be. I will send it through PM. Thank you for listening Karen - I come here because I know people honestly care.

Thank you.

Brian
 
I am sorry Brian but we aren't allowed to discuss this on this forum.  I will be looking for your pm though...  I will let you know what I think...  Hugs...

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/4/2012 6:38:07 PM (GMT-6)

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