I'm having a real bad time. The woman I live with and had hoped to grow old with, told me just a few days before my sister passed that she thought we should split. I have to move to a different city for work and to give my kids a place to live while at university. This woman knew this long ago - that I'd be moving and hoped (hell, assumed) that she'd join me. Well, she said it's too early for her having just become a Grandmother. We'd only be an hour away!
Anyhow, what could I do but say "OK" but we agreed that we'd stay close as a couple till I move in July. We had spoken of the possibility that she could join me in a year or two so obviously try our best to keep the relationship alive and well.
Then one day about a week ago she gets a call at midnight - fine, we're up watching TV - once off the phone she came to me and said she didn't want to sneak around behind my back so she told me she's been talking with her Ex. I said OK - what could I do? - I am leaving after all. BUT, then she tells me she's going to see him!! At midnight! ***?!!
That hurt like hell but we talked the next day and she said she didn't want to be intimate any longer as it would not be fair to her EX, who she's obviously thinking of reconciling with. OK, I agree to that, unhappily.
Two days later as I'm going out to play pool she says she won't be home that night. Not home till after work the next day. I thought, "ok, this is screwed" but maybe she's just going to her son's to stay with the baby. That was my hope all the next day but when I asked her she told me she spent the night with her Ex. ***?!!!
She didn't want to hurt him by sleeping with me but thought NOTHING of sleeping with him after we'd been together for a year! I'm not even out the door and she's jumping into bed with him! Well, I told her precisely how I felt and now she has promised (ha!) to wait till I'm gone. Shows how much she cared about losing me.
It hurt so much, I was desperate to get out of the house before July but have no place. So I did something really stupid, I asked my Ex if I could stay with her and the kids till I got a place. WRONG thing to do. She's so angry now that I'm pretty sure I've lost her as the very close and caring friend she has been.
The final straw came on my son's 20th b'day. She was so angry the day was lost and I know it hurt my boy.
So now I have no one in my life that knows me, understands me and can provide support. My sister was my rock, my anchor. If not for her, I surely would not be here today. My guiding light, my strength and all my courage. My Ex and I have had an extraordinary relationship since we separated but I feel that is also lost. As to my most recent "partner", I can't stand being near her but at the same time, I yearn for her touch - just a simple hug. Something to remind me that there's more to life than pain, suffering, anguish and loss.
That's all I feel now. Just bad. I've found myself thinking more and more about how difficult and pointless my life has been. I do wish I'd never been born. I don't give a hoot what anyone cares to read into that - this has been my life, not theirs - and quite frankly, I'm too darned tired to deal with any of it anymore. If it weren't for my kids, I'd no longer be here. I just want to disappear.....go away and not look back..........maybe join my sister.
What's the point? Ya work, you push yourself, starve yourself, bend over backwards for your job, lose yourself in a career, pay so much in taxes there's nothing left when you think you can stop working. Nobody will ever know I was here or what I did - no one cares. This existence is just so darned stupid. A waste of life - even one as disemboweled as mine.
Pointless, fruitless, loveless, careless, useless.