Posted 5/4/2005 9:44 AM (GMT -7)
You got some very good posts here and solid advice. You and you alone are the only one who can take back your life and we are willing to help you. You are not a "lost cause". Until you STOP beating yourself up, you can't begin to heal. How can you say you blame yourself for what your parents did? You were a baby and a child. The child doesn't raise the parents, the parents raise the children. They are supposed to give us courage, love, strength, good advice and good character. They are supposed to teach us which way to go and the path to take. When a baby is born, they don't come with instructions. The parents are supposed to already know what to do. There is no assembly required at birth, HOWEVER, they are supposed to assemble us as we grow. My family were very strict Catholics and Italians. I still did things they were ashamed of but when I finally asked for the Lords help, things slowly fell into place. You don't have to be Catholic to get the Lords blessings. Whoever asks shall receive.
If you feel weird about the things we said, that means that this is the place to come to for friendship and nurturing. You say that everyone in your life has hurt you in some way or another, so I am going to share something with you because I feel you are at a critical place in your life.
About 8 or so years ago, I found out that I had a disease that had no cure. I immediately went into "pity party mode". I thought "why me"? I began taking a lot of pain killers and eventually shut out my entire family, including my mom, daughters and grandchildren. I am 55 now and realize that I was doing more harm than good. I annihilated everyone. One of the 7 deadly's, pride, came into the picture. I was so busy feeling sorry for myself, I didn't even think about anyone elses problems or troubles. The Devil came in and I invited him. He twisted and turned my life all around till it was so bad that NO ONE talked to me. The sicker I got, the more I dumpped on them. My poor sister burried my nephew over 4 years ago from the same genetic disease that killed my brother 1 week shy of his 18th birthday. My nephew was only 13 years old when he died. I didn't even go to the funeral because I was so consumed with my own grief. She has never forgiven me for that even though the Lord has. I can't help her except give her support. Thank God her other son, now 8 is ok. It only runs in boys and all the females in my family had to be tested. This included my daughters too, now 32 and 34. My grandsons, 3, are fine, thank God. How could I heal her deal with her grief when I was too busy grieving on my own.
I felt lost and no one, not 1 person even cared about my disease. They didn't want to talk about it, nor did they call to see how I was. I have about 20+ people in my family, all living in the same city. I now live 1,200 away as for November, 2001. My husband and I decided that it was time for a change and he had a good job offer so we moved even though I was leaving family. They had their own lives and wouldn't be there for me so we did the right thing.
This entire disease robbed me of my judgement, feelings, and helping others instead of feeling sorry for myself. The drugs didn't help either. I was totally "Out of it" most of the time. I caused my husband to stray and drink even more than he already did. He had a hard time dealing with the disease knowing that I would never be the person I was before.
I finally realized that I was fortunate to have what I did have. My husband has a good job, good benefits, cares for me, my family is now talking to me and I visit once a year for 3-4 weeks, depending on my health. I realized that I was choaking on PRIDE!!!! I was choaking on anger.
Now, I pray before my feet hit the floor and before they hit the bed at night. I am very fortunate. When I want to humble myself, I think of all the people who are suffering alone and in silence. That tends to humble a person. It's time for you to think of the haves and not the have nots. Count your blessings. Wrute down what your negatives and positives are. You are in charge of your destiny.
Last few line of your post, you wnat to self-harm yourself? Don't you think we have all had those thought before? Difference is, we got help and support that we needed. We got it through conselors or this group. How would your life change if you died? You say no one cares but you are wrong. My mother used to tell me if I wanted sympathy, look it up in the dictionary. She had a million of 'em. Yolu say you are a lost cause? If you hold a job and someone depends upon you for their livelihood, then you are not a lost cause. You mean something to someone. My friend, keep posting BUT more than that, read...read the posts from other members. You may find some of their experiences helpful.
Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 5/9/2005 10:11:37 AM (GMT-6)