Hi there all,
I don't know where to begin but let me try. . . I live a pretty ordinary life, have a good job that pays well, especially considering my age and lack of formal education (I'm 27 and an estimator for a large company), I have good friends and a very tight family, albeit it a very private family. I am not happy by a long stretch but try very hard to at least be content . . which brings to mind one of my favourite biblical verses: ". . .for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need."
I had a very "mixed bag" upbringing, my family were quite the party animals, earned a fair living and loved us very much (my brother and I). As the years went on joined a church which we believed taught the truth (1996) and from that point on our lives transformed - and don't get me wrong, I believe for the better as my immediate family drew far closer together than we has been in years, no more fighting and bickering, drunk nights and screaming matches but then, WHAM! My dad lost his business and a LOT of money when he was 50 due to a business partner that went behind his back, and detroyed a R 1 000 000.00 order and subsequent to this, there was no going back. My grandmother who now despised us from the moment we became "born again", the same one from whom we had bought our farm, found it fitting to hire a lawyer to try and evict us from our home, all because we had missed A payment (we'd never skipped a payment to date - in years), hopefully leaving her daughter and children out in the streets. I was heartbroken and decided, after a couple of awkward visits and a conversation with her that made it very clear she would have nothing do do with me if I was with my family, whilst shopping for example, if we were to bump into each other. This is the same woman that tucked me in her bed at night when I would visit on weekends. I decided, for this reason and because she had cut off my mom's side of the family from us, that I would dust off my boots and walk away. . I don't think I really had a choice (keep in mind this was 15 years ago). My dad lost his life savings and he will never be able to retire in this lifetime.
Soon after, our family friends of over 20 years, with whom we had partied, gone on holiday, planned weddings and spent most of our free time with, knifed us in the back (long story). I felt like my world was being pulled out from under me!! I tried desperately, again, at a very young age, to salvage the situation but to no avail.
Our church was very militant and I started living a very hypocritical life, feeling I was better than others due to my actions (never mind the filthy heart I possessed), I often found myself "preaching" to others, being a good church boy, and getting the well sought after "heads up" from my pastor, his wife (who helped run the church - which is a joke if you understood their doctrine!!) and others who were seen to be doing "great things" in the church. Now again, don't get me wrong, I still LOVE them all, as they introduced us to a better life and we needed the "scare them out of hell" approach and a nicey-wicey tactic would not have made any difference to us at all.. ie, they saved us from a very bad ending. The only problem is, I now realise that they are more of a cult than a church - they enjoyed fighting/preaching at gay pride parades (try find them at a bar or ***** house - they won't be there) and street corners as they puffed their chests out. At one point, in front of our entire congregation, we were told to "zip up our Bibles and hit the road jack", at another I witnesses us plan a dramatic play, for the sole purpose of trashing another church's bible version and making the pastor cry, basically, to make a fool out of them!! You get the idea . . . The thing was I had now grown up with these people and spent much of my life with them, shutting myself off from everyone outside of my social circles. My first kiss (and girlfiriend) was with my pastor's daughter, and she is one of only two women I dated, my best friend also comes from the church (although he no longer attends) as does my first/only love (whom I have never been able to tell, as this person dragged me through the mud, in front of all my friends, and many church members).
In short, I trust no one, have huge secrets and issues that absolutely no one understands or even knows of, I can't tell them, as I know they would not get it and make me out to be a freak. I hate everyone for this and feel like I live each day either for my company or for my friends and to a lesser extent my family; trying to understand them, trying to get in their head to understand why they react very badly to certain situations, guarding from those things and generally showing each one that I love them and accept them for who they are. All I get back in return is hurt, years of tears and toil and the knowledge that there is not a true friend is in sight (with the occasional exceptions of course - but not even they have tried to really delve into my head and heart - this is also true for my folks. . . They love me (and I them) more than anything in the world, and we would die for each other but they do not know all that is in my heart, and I cannot tell them, as I know it will break their's and so I'm willing to pay the price).
Now the thing that kills me is that I realise that I really shouldn't be complaining, there are people out there that make my life look like barrel of laughs but the thing is, I live in my reality, not theirs. This makes me feel worthless!!
I don't know where my life is headed but I spend it planning, thinking, and then actioning ideas of all wonderful proportions but for all the good I've done, I am not satisfied with my current career - I'm good at it, but it's not my passion. I know where my passion now lies, but it's completely unrelated to my current field of work and I can't change that, as I now have responsibilities due to my "forward thinking" - i.e. pay off house before 40, car etc. For me to move over to "the other side", I would need to reduce my costs, as I would take a reduction in pay due to my lack of experience and if I were to start on my own, the funding is not there for me to access!? All the time my brain is spitting out thoughts like, "You'd better hurry up, you don't want to end up going through what your folks did, do you? Time's running out!!"
I sometimes wish that I could just pack it all in and move far far away but don't have the heart to leave my family - They need me and I need them.
What do I do? I feel very numb: up one day, down the next.
I try desperately to be content with my situation, but sometimes it is just so terribly painful.
:) :/ :(