I don't know where to begin.
I have always called myself planBgirl, because plan A never EVER works out. I almost came to terms with that; no ones life goes according to plan. Fast forward 10 years. I have been waiting to begin nursing school for THREE years. I put off having children because I wanted to give them all I could. Well, no nursing school. No children. My job is a nightmare. And my husband was laid off today. It's too much.
I have learned to TRY not to dwell on life's disappointments. But these days, there are no successes to dwell on. I will be the primary "breadwinner" again. No time to do anything but work at a job where people's lives are on the line, and I try to help them, and STILL it is not good enough.
I want to have children, but we keep trying, and nothing. My husband sees my sadness and tells me to "take my pills."
My father died two years ago, followed shortly by my mother-in-law, who was my dear friend. After so much loss, I find myself dwelling on the emptiness of it all. Even if I were to have children, they would have no grandparents. I didn't have any (they all died.) I don't want my babies to miss out on the joys of grandparents like I did.
I still have not been able to finish my degree. I want to be a writer, and have a completed manuscript, but can not get it published. This is why I decided to pursue nursing. But even that has come to nothing. I've always had self-esteem problems, but I try to tell myself it is all in my head. I'm too hard on myself. But the fruits of my labors speak for themselves, don't they?? No book. No nursing. No babies. It's all just an empty circus of day-to-day nonsense that does no one any good. There are those people to tell me to just "think positive." And then what??? My positive thinking will magically get me into nursing school, my book published, and a baby of my own???? LIFE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.
The more hope I muster up, the more happiness (or glimmers of it) fade away.
Some things work out for some people. Then there are the rest of us.