I am 61 and I feel like I cant do this again. Dont take this as a threat please, its not. I have a family who love me and a husband who I love, even tho he causes me tons of stress. Most of all I have a son who I love so much it hurts. I just know that I am in a horrible funk and dont know why I fell into this state. I feel emotionless. All this family who loves me and who I love, I do not share just how I feel. My Mother would just worry so much and I cannot deal with making her worried. I am the weak one in this family. Why couldnt I just have been an drunk? I have a long list of those in my family. I have to say this all in caps please. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO LOW, SO DESPERATE, SO NUMB, SO UGLY in my LIFE. Just screaming that helps a little because I think you all might understand. I do have a long list of diagnosed medical illnesses. I have thought to myself that I might get the boot from this wonderful place. However, it would be easier to list what I dont have on this forum than what I do. My depression goes way back, I recall it so clearly in the 60s, when my mother would holler at me to stop being so melodramatic....she was dealing with a stranger that Im surely just didnt know what to do with. There were no school psychologists where I lived. I had a teacher or so who recognized that I for the most part put up a very thick wall. It has been to many years to count since I graduated in 1969. I was a cheerleader, a class president, a prom queen, all the things that can make you as unpopular as the reverse.... I also married that same year, now hold your breath, to my biology teacher/ band director. We were together 21 years. Never had a serious fight in all those years. I was the one who did all the fighting, deep inside my brain lived a monster who I fought hard to keep under wraps. I hid it for years...Then one day I committed a serious offense to marriage, I cannot to this day forgive myself for that foolish foolish move. There was no going back either, it was done. Anyway, whats done is done, long ago. I remarried and he is a good man. I have never had to work or worry about money. This is why I dont understand myself at all. I will have to come back to this post, I just cant stand it.