I am new to the depression forum, usually post on Chronic pain or Fibromyalgia once in a while. I am hoping to get a new perspective on my depression in this group.
I know now that some of my medical issues are life-long although there will be times of less pain and times of flare ups. I also have anxiety and depression history with panic attacks and PTSD. There was a lot of abuse in my past, but now I am married to a wonderful husband and have 2 teenage sons, 13 and 14 years old.
The feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, being lost and all alone never go away now. I have called my psychiatrist and set up an appointment for next week, his first available. The counselor he referred me to at his office is a girl I went to high school with. Our first and only session included her saying that I was such a goody goody who got all A's and was involved with everything, then I just disappeared and people said I attacked someone and was in juvie. That was when I began having panic attacks, and started down a long, lonely road of agoraphobia. She told me that she always thought I would succeed, and its a shame I am disabled and mentally ill. I have asked several times to switch psychologists, and am going with another outside of his office. She didn't want to help me, and she put me down. I don't need that.
A major part of these feelings is the problem of mobility and activity. Any movement causes me pain in my abdomen and pelvis. Scars bind all my bowel, colon, bladder, and abdominal muscle wall together, and pull on things as I move around. Not always being able to help with the housework or cooking really drives me crazy. If I can't get up and move around, I will fold clothes, chop veggies or fruit for our meals, pay bills sometimes, and mend clothes and crochet prayer shawls.
How do you stop the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness when you know that your struggle will never end, and you don't know what you can or can't do each day until it comes?
This has made me so isolated and alone. I don't recognize the person I have become, and my husband's family doesn't seem to want to see me for who I am, preferring to pretend that I will heal totally and get a job soon. They have said they feel I am using their son for him to take care of me. He shouldn't have married a disabled woman who has no cure or magical method of healing.
I am so lost tonight, can't sleep, can't even get out of bed now from all the activity today. What do you do when things are like this? How do you cope with everything?
One day at a time, one moment at a time I know....but just can't seem to get there right now. I cry all the time, and my husband wants to help but does not know what to do.
Thanks for any responses.
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That's the essence of inhumanity. George Bernard Shaw
Pelvic adhesive disease, endometriosis, history of adenomyosis with hysterectomy, ovarian remnant syndrome, IBS, SI dysfunction, arthritis, fibromyalgia, kidney stones, depression, and anxiety with panic attacks.