How to be everything to everyone

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Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/10/2012 8:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I am trying to figure out how to be everything to everyone in my life and still have something left over for me.
I'm a 44yo mom of 4 - my biological son is 21 and married and has a new little baby. He and his young bride can barely make ends meet so I end up helping them as much as I can financially. But when you offer advice they don't' want to take it and it ends up causing hard feelings. So I made the decision 2 months ago that I would keep my mouth shut.
I have a 16yo and 14 yo adopted daughters and an 11 yo adopted son.

I thought we had a good marriage, not perfect but good. 6 years ago before we adopted 3 kids my husband had an addiction to online **** and talking with women on line, he would carry on what I would call emotional affairs. In my opinion he would redirect energy, love and attention from our marriage into online relationships one of these relationships lead to an actual physical affair. We found our way back from this incident and slowly trust was rebuilt. We adopted our children and life was good. We both have very good jobs, professionally I would consider myself successful.

A few months ago I found out that he was once again carrying on with a woman on line. This time however I thought I found out very early into the relationship and headed it off. Hurt, betrayed, rejected are just a few of the emotions I felt.

A month into this latest drama I find out that my oldest daughter had been talking to her birth parents all of the protections we had put into place like name and social security number changes were down the drain because she had given them so much personal information. She found them because her mother was highlighted in a reality tv show "locked up women of cell block six" Nice right! I also found out that she had been having sex with her boyfriend, unprotected at that and that in Feb they thought she was pregnant. I read her words about her birth mom being her only mom so she had to put up with her crap... Wow talk about a shocker.

My husband has always been closer to our daughters than I mostly because they have him wrapped around their little fingers. They know that mom is rigid and strict and if they ask dad he will either give in or talk mom into giving in to whatever their demands are. When we confronted our little girl about her behavior she lashed out.

She accused her father of sexual abuse, specifically last summer they were messing around and he grabbed her boob. And rather than coming to me with her questions about sex she would go to her father. This lead to them having explicit sex talks. I was oblivious to all of this, the touch happened while I was out of town on a business trip. The talks happened when they would go out to dinner on Friday night.

My little girl will not give me any details around what happened - I've gained little insight from the therapists. My husband tells me that all he ever did was answer her questions. And he thought that he was being a good father. When I asked why didn't you tell me about these talks or that our daughter had questions, he said she begged him not to tell me because she was embarrassed or that I would over react. And I said she had all of these questions but you never once thought that she was sexually active. He said no I didn't think she would want to disappoint me. I said how many times did I have to say - when she's making out and its hot and heavy the last thing she is going to be thinking about is disappointing her daddy. Come on when your were a teenager is that what you were thinking about?

So now my family is split in two - my husband has been removed from our home. I don't know if criminal charges will be brought against him. I don't know if I ever want him to come home. I try and separate what he's done to me from what he's done to my daughter, I try to make sense of the entire situation and in hopes to know if he was hurting her or if she is just a pissed off teenager who is trying to divert attention from her actions by saying my dad talked to me in ways I didn't like and oh yea by the way he grabbed my boob a year ago I didn't say anything about it. I spent time alone with him, I wasn't scared of him until I got busted. My daughter is in therapy for healing of "emotional incest". I am struggling with accepting the term why is it so hard for me to accept that when I know that he is guilty of having emotional bonds with women on line.

So here is the real deal I am trying to be everything to everyone. I have to be strong for my kids - I can't show them my pain or emotion because then I will be guilty of the same thing their dad is leaning on them or making them responsible for my emotional well being and not looking out for their needs.
I am trying to be supportive of my husband because I truly believe that he didn't mean to cause our daughter harm. He thought he was being supportive of his child and a resource for her because I am much more "prudish' than he is. I am the one who didn't want her to date, and once dating I didn't' want her to have alone time with her boyfriend. I am the strict parent, the one who often says no but then dad convinces that okay to do or have whatever they want.
I'm trying to be the good daughter in law and sister in law, who is supporting the son/brother through the roughest time in his life.
I am trying to make sure that my children enjoy their summer vacation and that the complete their summer reading projects.
I'm trying to be a supportive first time grandmother - mother in law and mom to my son.
I'm trying to be a good boss to my employees, a good customer advocate to my clients and productive employee for my company.
I sit in therapists offices and hear - you have to support this person and protect that one... well I just need to say what about me?

How much strength am I supposed to have on my own? Who is going to take care of me and pick up all of my shattered pieces? I thought I was doing really well until a couple of days ago and now tears just start for no reason... (No reason read above) yes I know that I have the right to be depressed - I don't want to be I don't need to be I need to be strong and happy for my kids they deserve that. But really what the hell about me? Who is going to take care of me.

The therapist doesn't lay in my bed every night and cry themselves to sleep and get up in the morning and cry through putting on make up. Pull into their parking lot at work and check to make sure mascara isn't running down their face. Close their office door for a few moments of privacy.

My husband has a therapist, my daughter has a therapist, I have a therapist who is doubling as our family therapist. I truly like her but more often than not I feel like she is advocating for my daughter. And I'm lost in the shuffle, and then I have the guilt to deal with because this is all supposed to be about my daughter. I'm the adult I should be able to deal with this.

I can't, my well of resources has run dry. If I could I would crawl into a hole and just die... I know I can't I have three kids at home who depend on me, a two month old granddaughter and a 21 year old so and 18 year old daughter in law who all need me.

It's all too much! I don't know how strong I am supposed to be.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 7/10/2012 8:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Take a deep breath and relax. You have to take care of you and yes, you have to be there for your daughters and so forth. It is hard, but you have to take it one day at a time. We can't depend on others to take care of us. Yet we still have to fullfill our responsibilities of our children. As for your husband. I would be done with it. If you don't like him talking to other women on line, you shouldn't have him there. You don't nkow what went on between him and your daughter. But you have to be there for your daughter. It will come out.

The best thing you can do is stay in the moment. Don't worry what if or who did what. Put your daughter's needs first right now and the rest is going to fall into place. You will not fall apart. You will make it. Things are going to come your way soon. As long as you put your daughter's best interest first. Try to talk to her. Forget what she said about her birth mother. She was probably curious and also angry. She loves you. Remember that.

When you took on the responsibility of children, you have given it your all. That is what you are suppose to do. I really want to see your daughter to be able to talk to you. Maybe you need to let her know that you are open to anything she has to say. If you don't, she isn't going to be honest with you. I don't want to see that happen.

I will post more tomorrow. I have to go to bed. I am tired. Take care of you. Make time for you. Do something nice for yourself. Just don't expect anybody else to do it, because it doesn't work that way. We have to take care of us. Try to relax, take some deep breaths.


Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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