I'm new to the forum. I've checked it out and think it's a great place to share information, especially for those, myself included, who are or have been ill.
I'm not usually a very depressed person, but have been recently. I can't really talk to anybody about it, so I thought I'd post something here to see if anybody had any insight. It may be such a stupid thing to post about to most.
I've been ill for a while now and I go see my doctor on average about twice a month. I've actually seen a couple of doctors in the states until I had to move to another country where I currently reside. I've gone through a couple here until I met my current one who I think is good.
When I first met him, I honestly thought he looked like an alien - I probably did, too - and thought he probably wouldn't be able to help me, either, because he looked so young, somewhat around my age, but as time passed, he proved me wrong. He was just there for me always never turning me away, and don't get me wrong, I understand that that's what doctors are for. Although he looks like an alien, I thought this man had the most dedicated and kindest heart ever, so my opinion of him totally changed, and I began to be curious about him as to why he wanted to become a doctor, etc. but I never asked him since I didn't want to interfere too much and also I feared maybe he wouldn't want to respond.
I don't even know this doctor on a personal basis but I have good thoughts about him and can feel the warm-heartedness every time I see him, as crazy as this sounds. It's been a good year and a half since I've been seeing him as a doctor. I'm always thinking that I don't want to bother him, so I don't call the hospital unless I'm very very ill and need to be seen and I'm always telling myself that I shouldn't ask personal questions and I also don't complain if I've been waiting long in the hospital waiting room to be seen. I try to be nice since I know that he's still a trainee and I know how hard it must be especially being in this country. And also because I always see bags under his eyes and it seems he's always sick. I also notice that he makes little errors here and there like with my prescriptions and sometimes I bring it to his attention but at other times I leave it if it's not that big of a deal.
I'm getting off the subject but anyway, so that's how it's been. I feel like I can't really `move`. Like I feel all choked up. I mean I see him as a doctor and I do keep it that way but it's been so hard for me because as ridiculous and retarted as this sounds, I actually would like to be his friend. I think I like the person he is, although I don't even know him. I feel very warm when I talk to him but I understand, it's probably only because I'm sick - that's what most would assume. In this country it is legal for patients and doctors to correspond or have personal relationships outside the professional field but I guess I'm used to the way the states has their laws.
So I've just been depressed because I think the doctor may sense that I feel for him and may be keeping a distance. I don't know. I also know that this country has a law that states that doctors have to be transferred every two years, so my doctor will be gone early next spring. It won't be far away. So I've also been thinking of switching hospitals and changing doctors at that time and I've just been feeling depressed about that, too, since I don't know if I'm going to be able to find a good doctor again.
I don't like that I'm obsessing over this issue, either, but I don't know what I'm going through either, so it just depresses me. I've been trying to go out and enjoy myself, though. Just don't know what to do...... :(