i just feel down

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Phil Anselmo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 7/15/2012 3:55 PM (GMT -6)   
i don't know,i've never been happy,there came times when yeah sure i am,but most of the time i act,because i don't want people to see my vulnrable side,i don't like to appear weak infront of anyone,so i keep it all to myself.i'm a failure & an idiot,my iq is 110,i never got good grades,i fail at everything i do,even guitar!which is supposed to be my muse,MY MUSE!all my sisters,family members & friends are smarter & prettier than me,while i'm the family idiot & failure,ofc i never told anyone i know about this,i kept it all to myself,because #1.i don't want to bore people with all of these petty problems,when there are people out there in poverty,wars & crap #2.i don't like seeming vulnrable infront of anyone.i mean people come to me when they have problems,& i'm there for them,but i never went to anyone about my problems & just like to deal with them on my own,also i don't like people giving me sympathy looks & that crap,it makes me feel powerless & less dominant.,but never attempted it,because that'll just make me seem weak,something i cannot bear or handle,none of my family or freinds ever suspected this,because i'm very good at masking it,by acting like a normal person,but i can blurt all of this out here since no one knows who the i am,so it makes it a tad better.so yeah,i just stuff these feelings deep,by deep i mean  deep down & not expose that crap to anyone,or put much thought into it.i just have to wake up every morning knowing that everyone around me is much more smarter,successful & better than i'll be,& i just realized i have no real friends,accept for one,who is my cousin,but she doesn't know this crap too,& never will.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 7/15/2012 4:09:38 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/15/2012 5:07 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like you are expecting way too much out of yourself. And as long as you keep calling yourself an idiot, you are going to see yourself that way. I see a lot of anger in your post. If you keep doubting yourself, you will never get anywhere in life. I think you need some counseling and some direction. But you have to get rid of the anger and self loathing first. Talk to somebody, a psychiatrist or psychologist.

I had to edit your post for talk of suicide and swear words. It might help if you take a look at the forum rules.

I hope that you feel better soon. Start looking at the good points of yourself. It might make you feel better.  Try not to compare yourself to others.  It isn't a race to see who is smarter or looks better.  That is so superfiscial.  Beauty comes from within.  You can be happy if you really want to.  It is all in your attitude. 
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 7/15/2012 4:10:46 PM (GMT-6)


Phil Anselmo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 7/15/2012 5:58 PM (GMT -6)   
yeah,but when your family members have accomplished more than you ever did or will,it sucks,my older sister has the iq of 146 & my younger's iq is 124,so being 110 is really humiliating,it just proved to me that i'm no good,i mean my little sister's iq is higher than mine!how embrassing is that?,i tried to look for my strong points & positives,but there aren't any,even when i try to do something good for someone,it always turns out bad & they get mad at me,like when i put away my sister's gold & diamond necklace away in my mom's jewlery box so it won't get lost or accidently thrown in the garbage,it got lost,& now i have to pay my mom back around 1800 riyals.i'm a bit ashamed to tell my mom & dad this,like i said,i don't want to seem vulnrable,& they'll probably tell me it's no big deal,since there are people out there living worse lives,& me making a big deal out of this just pisses me off even more.
"I never died before.
Can't live what happened yesterday.
I never stoned the crow, no."
~Stone The Crow by Down

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/15/2012 6:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Why do you compare yourself to them? That is just silly. Don't make a big deal out of things, it only makes you anxious. Life is short as it is. Don't sweat the small stuff as they say. It is the power of the mind. And just because her iq is higher than yours doesn't mean anything. Nobody would even know if you didn't tell them. Unless you are in constant competition with your sister there is no reason to worry about that. People excell in different things.

I am sorry about the necklace, but if you wouldn't have touched it, you wouldn't be responsible for it. Don't worry about other people's stuff. It is their problem. You are taking on problems that don't really concern you and that is taking on a responsibility that you don't need to take on.

Learn to live in the now. And quit worrying about things that you have no control over. Like I said, lilfe is short. Enjoy it...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Kaely
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 619
   Posted 7/16/2012 7:07 PM (GMT -6)   
85 to 114 is average. 110 is high average. So obviously you aren't stupid. Let me tell you a little secret. IQ isn't everything. You can sit around sulking about what you don't have, or you can use what you do have.

You aren't defective. You are choosing to make yourself feel crappy by looking at other people to figure out your self worth. You can only get that from inside yourself.

I have a high IQ, guess what? It doesn't make me any better than you. It doesn't make me any better than anyone. Your sisters are no better than you are. Stop comparing yourself to them! You aren't your sisters, you're you. Just be you and ignore the rest.
Chronic pain, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tennis Elbow (both arms), Arthritis (knees and fingers), Diabetes. Ruptured disk L-4, Severe degenerative damage L5-S1, ACDF C5-C6

Phil Anselmo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 7/17/2012 10:08 PM (GMT -6)   
but like i stated,no gd grades or high iq=that i won't be able to go to a good college or get a good job,while everyone around me will be rich & successful,something i'd like to have & thrive for in the future,since the next two years are the most important years in my carreer life,& it seems like every year my grades drop.& i can't stand the fact that my younger sister's iq is higher!i just can't!i mean i don't have good looks,or brains,or good friends,nothing!then what am i supposed to have?success & riches is all that's left,well leave out the success part,because if i'm rich,atleast i'll have something,& that can only come with brains & success,so yeah,i'm stuck.i tried to looks for things i'm good at,i found nothing,so it's really unfair that everyone is better & i'm not.
"I never died before.
Can't live what happened yesterday.
I never stoned the crow, no."
~Stone The Crow by Down

ln3158
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 8/5/2012 9:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like you are powerless over your emotions. Seek professional help. I went for intense psychotherapy and learned how to deal with negativity. You can change your life
to think in a positive manner. You need to build self confidence and motivation, and trust others. Do not worry about what others think of you. It is important to trust yourself.
Lynn

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 8/5/2012 12:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Phil,

You are in need of professional help. If you are still in school start with your guidance counselor. Be 100% honest with whoever you talk to. Just like you were here in your post.

the word "can't" dominates your vocabulary. this is not a good thing. It is a sign that you need to talk to
someone who know how to help.

Priest, pastor, parent of a friend, coach, and adult that you trust. Family Doctor. Find someone and soon.

God Bless you.

Keep posting and let us know who you are. We care here.

Be still and know there is peace

Trina
Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Phil Anselmo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 8/14/2012 10:50 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm embarrassed to talk about this to anyone,I don't like people to know what goes on in my head,besides,they'll think I'm being a drama queen or somethin',I hate the pity looks people give when you tell em a problem,so I'm probably gonna have to wait till I'm outta here,so then I can get help & whatever without anyone knowing.I mean to my friends I'm the one they come to for a shoulder to cry on,or guidance,since they see me as this calm,mature,solid person,tough as steal,so I really don't like seeming vulnerable to anyone or bothering them.

Post Edited (Phil Anselmo) : 8/14/2012 9:56:43 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/15/2012 7:36 AM (GMT -6)   
You are only human Phil. I think seeing the more volnerable side of you would be okay. They would know that you are only a human being and that you need help once in a while too. It is hard to stand strong. You stand alone. Try getting some help and take care of yourself.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Caro11
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 8/15/2012 9:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Phil,

I was like you. I was the one helping others and always being there for everybody and when I started feeling like crap, I didn't tell anyone, not even my spouse! I waited a long time, too long, to finally talk to my doctor. I was embaressed and feeling like I was being weak but I just couldn't endure the pain inside of me anymore. He gave me medication to help me to feel better. I hate taking meds but I told myself, I have nothing to loose by trying them... He also gave me the number of a good psychotherapist and told me to go. I hate talking about myself and my problems to anyone and I hate the pitty looks they give me but then again, I had nothing to loose to try right? So I went and what I found out is that the therapist is not there to have pitty on you. She/he will listen and try to understand the way you are feeling and give you advice that really helps! The meds help me a lot too!

Go for it, nobody else needs to know that you're going to the doctor and nobody needs to know that you're seing a therapist! If I could keep it a secret from my spouse and my two teenage daughters, I'm sure you can do it without your family knowing... You wont regret it! You have nothing to loose right? So why not try it? You will see if it's good for you! Take an appointment now, stop being affraid of something you haven't tried yet! Everyone on this site have been through this and we are all doing so much better! You don't have to endure this, take your future in your own hands, you're the only one that can make a difference in your life so be there for you this time.

Let us know when your appointment is and if you have any questions or fears, feel free to post here, we all care about you and you are not alone.

Take care,
Caroline

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 8/15/2012 9:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Phil,
Pretending to be who you aren't is not going to help you.

therapists and doctors do not look at you with pity on their faces when they help a person. I know I go them. I have had some nasty things happen to me in my life and my siblings live a "camelot" life compared to me.

I do not focus on that, they have to live with their stuff, I live with mine. Don't focus on IQ's and material things Phil. Focus on you and what you want out of life.

Mindfulness would help you I think. Try researching it and reading about it see if it helps you. It has done wonders for me!

You can start now to change and be more at peace with yourself and those around you. Be proactive with yourself and your circumstances, you can be more in control if you want to be.

Stay strong.
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Phil Anselmo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 8/16/2012 8:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Will do,I'll just take the hospital's number from my mom without making her suspicious.thanks to all,but it may take a while,I have to be very smart & catch her off gaurd.
"I never died before.
Can't live what happened yesterday.
I never stoned the crow, no."
~Stone The Crow by Down

Caro11
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 8/16/2012 11:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Phil,

I'm really proud of you. You are taking the right decision. You can do this without nobody else knowing and it will do you some good. You will be so much happier.

Keep us posted, we are here for you. You are not alone.

Take care,
Caroline

Phil Anselmo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 8/17/2012 7:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey guys!i took the number from my mom,she didn't suspect a thing when i asked her about it,but what if they prescribe me medicine?I don't need my parents consent right?hopefully here in Riyadh it's not like that,but I'm still not sure about this,I still have this fear that I'll look vulnerable,or that I may run into someone I know from school or something?how do I talk to the doctor & not sound whiny or vulnerable?
"I never died before.
Can't live what happened yesterday.
I never stoned the crow, no."
~Stone The Crow by Down

Caro11
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 8/17/2012 8:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Phil,

You have to tell the doctor the truth. You could print your first post and bring it with you. If he wants to prescribe meds talk it over with him and tell him that your parents don't know about this. But you know, the most important is the therapy, that is what is going to help you get out of this state, see things differently and make your life better. Talk to the doctor about therapy, it will be good for you to have somebody to talk to without worrying about anyone knowing because it is always confidential. You are not weak, you just need a helpful hand in a difficult time, everybody does...

Take care,
Caroline

Phil Anselmo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 8/17/2012 9:00 PM (GMT -6)   
But the problem is,I never got why I felt like this,I mean I have everything,a roof over my head,education,food,a bed to come home every night,sure my parents may be getting a divorce & what not,but it's for the best,I wanted em to divorce,they're constant fighting is really annoying the hell outta me,& we may be having some financial problems now,but it'll workout later.so I really feel like crap & guilty because I have health,money,& in one of the best schools in the kingdom & yet I'm not happy,so it makes me feel guilty that i'm being ungrateful,when there are people in wars & poverty,like the kids & people in Syria,so this is why I never wanted to admit there was something wrong with me,because i feel guilty when I do.My laptop isn't working currently & our printer isn't plugged,I'll see if I can take my phone & show the doctor,I'll tell them my parents don't know I'm here.I'll try to book an appointment after eid & before school,but I'll show him/her this,because I don't like talking.
"I never died before.
Can't live what happened yesterday.
I never stoned the crow, no."
~Stone The Crow by Down

Caro11
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 8/17/2012 9:27 PM (GMT -6)   
I understand. It took me over a year of not feeling good before I talked to my doctor because I thaught it was just a phase, that I would snap out of it. I have a home, two wonderful daughters that are both in college now, I don't have money issues, good job, and a good spouse that I have been with for 10 years... So I didn't even know why I was feeling sad, angry, tired, and stressed out all the time. I was dignosted with major depression... It's with psychotherapy that I realised the reason for my depression and what I must do to get out of it! It's going a lot better now but I still have some work to do on myself, it's not always easy but I must bring back my joy.
It's true that there is worse elsewhere and it is sad but it's no reason to stay in a depression state and waste your life not liking it or not liking you. Life is too short and we only have one life to live so why not make the most of it? When you will have worked out your selfesteam problems and you will start taking care of yourself, everything will be possible for you! Who knows? Maybe you will find a way to help others like we are trying to help you now :-)
Be strong, you are not alone!

Phil Anselmo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 8/17/2012 11:32 PM (GMT -6)   
So I am depressed?not a whiny & *****y drama queen right?
"I never died before.
Can't live what happened yesterday.
I never stoned the crow, no."
~Stone The Crow by Down

Caro11
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 8/18/2012 5:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Well I can't say for sure, I'm not a doctor but I think so... That's why it's important to make that first step and then you will know. Depression is not something to take lightly, it wont just go away that's why you need professional help. And you can't stay that way all your life... You seem young and you have your hole life in front of you so by dealing with your issues now will make you see who you are and what you want to be. You have to listen to your heart, it will lead the way to recovery.

Have a nice day Phil and be strong. There is hope :-)
Caroline

Phil Anselmo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 8/18/2012 5:56 AM (GMT -6)   
because what worries me is that i may be making a big deal outta this,then i go to the doctor & they tell me i'm fine,then i look like a complete idiot.i'm 16 btw.
"I never died before.
Can't live what happened yesterday.
I never stoned the crow, no."
~Stone The Crow by Down

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/18/2012 8:04 AM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like you have a chemical embalance. At your age, I am not sure if they will give you meds, though you sound like you need them. But they will definately refer you to counseling. That will help you a lot. It will help you change your way of thinking to make life easier. You do sound depressed. But we aren't doctors so we don't know for sure. Get the help that you need and see how you feel...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 8/18/2012 9:48 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree with Karen, your thoughts are not normal for a 16 year old.
You need to talk to a professional who will know how to assist in calming down your thought processes and giving your a clearer mind.

It is in your best interest to seek help. You are not the only one your age to have to deal with this. Be brave and take care of it now so you can enjoy life! High school is tough enough!

Trina
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Caro11
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 8/18/2012 12:17 PM (GMT -6)   
I couldn't have said it better! Thanks Karen and Trina :-) I can tell you that my daughter when she was 16 opened up to me and told me that she hated her life and that she hated herself and had been for a while! Well I didn't judge her at all, I understood her pain because I was 16 not long ago... I got her to see a therapist and it helped her so much! Now, she's strarting college and she found a part time job that she loves and boys are starting to be interested in her witch they didn't before because her selfesteam was inexistant. In her case, the doctor didn't give her meds because it can be tricky at that age but the therapy did wonders as for me with my major depression.

Maybe if you opened up to somebody that you trust, it would be easier for you... Make the person read the posts so they understand how you are feeling and help you with the procedure. Your mom, aunt, teacher, a school conselor. When you are down like you are, no wonder your grades are getting lower. Once you start feeling better you will be able to concentrate more and do better at school.

We're here for you,
Caroline

Phil Anselmo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 8/18/2012 4:04 PM (GMT -6)   
My mom already has alot on her plate,she's moving to Bahrain for her new job for six months,we'll be here with my dad,& my dad isn't really good at looking after us,so she's worried,then after six months she'll relocate to damam for 3 years,I'll fly there by the end of this year hopefully & live with her,so I don't want to bother her any further.I don't like telling people how I feel,I'm not open at all,I feel inferior if I talk about my feelings,I blast out Pantera,or just not give much thought into it.I mean people come to me for their problems,to talk or cry on my shoulder,but vice versa,no.but how do I hide from my parents when I go to therapy sessions,I won't tell my sisters either,they know nothing about this,& they never will,nor my family or friends,or anyone!I can't allow that!because if they do,I may stop therapy just to make them see nothing's wrong,I hope they give me meds instead,so I won't need to go to sessions,because they'll notice.
"I never died before.
Can't live what happened yesterday.
I never stoned the crow, no."
~Stone The Crow by Down
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