Toxic relationship

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elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted Yesterday 2:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Ok, so there is this guy. I met him a couple months ago at a bar (it was actually for an art event though, we both like to draw). We started talking to each other and hit it off...it didn't even really occur to me that he was so much older until I asked his age...he's 41 and I'm 21. It still didn't matter much though, because I'm open to spending time with anyone as long as we get along well and like each other. So I started hanging out with him, and we were getting pretty close to each other. But the third time I saw him he told me something about his life that completely shocked me. And since then it's been so confusing and upsetting....(this whole year has been really hard on me, and I guess it's now led to this). He told me he was arrested two years ago for possession of child ****ography. As soon as I heard that I of course was baffled. I asked a million questions, and googled him since it was on the news and everything. The charge is what he said it was, and he admits he had a **** addiction and some of the pictures he downloaded were of young teenage girls, but that he's never, ever touched a child or would even consider it. I've spent this whole time weighing the facts in my head. I believe he's never molested anyone or would, but I do this it's disturbing that he spent so much time looking at young girls. He admitted it was wrong and he's been in therapy for years now, his wife divorced him and he's facing prison time if he's convicted of this (the trial been on hold this whole time). I feel bad for him, and now for myself being wrapped up in this. We both get along well personality wise and I feel attached to him now, at least as a friend. I haven't had sex with him yet because of this. He obviously has issues and he's afraid to be seen in public with me by his friends who know about his charges. So I see him basically in secret. And it feels wrong and weird, yet I've been EXTREMELY attracted to this person. To the point of obsession almost :( I know this needs to come to some kind of healthy conclusion, because we're both addicted to each other, and it's being kept secret and it's scary and it's starting to make me really angry and bitter in all other areas of my life. UGHDFKJDF. Why do I have to be so into this person? I feel like I must be bad to end up in such awful relationships

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42497
   Posted Yesterday 7:23 AM (GMT -6)   
You aren't bad, but I would think long and hard about this. He likes younger girls. Teenagers probably. And you are 20 years younger. He is keeping you a secret. I wouldn't go for that. Get out while you can. Something doesn't sound right about this. Besides he might go to prison. Get out of this relationship before it gets any deeper. I really think this relationship is a bad idea. I am sorry. I know you care about him. But I don't think it is healthy for you. He is looking at you like a child. I am sorry he is attracted to younger adults. But that is the way that it is. There will be somebody younger than you eventually. Stay away....

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Inxthexskyxwithxdimonds
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 22
   Posted Yesterday 12:08 PM (GMT -6)   
For as much as I believe love has no age cap and that you shouldn't judge a person on who they were in the past. I agree with karen, it sounds unhealthy and could be potentially dangerous to you. For as much as you are in love obsession is not healthy. If you're going to stay with him you need to be on your toes. You never know what people are capable of.

Chris516
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 80
   Posted Yesterday 5:51 PM (GMT -6)   
elfenprincess said...
Ok, so there is this guy. I met him a couple months ago at a bar (it was actually for an art event though, we both like to draw). We started talking to each other and hit it off...it didn't even really occur to me that he was so much older until I asked his age...he's 41 and I'm 21. It still didn't matter much though, because I'm open to spending time with anyone as long as we get along well and like each other. So I started hanging out with him, and we were getting pretty close to each other. But the third time I saw him he told me something about his life that completely shocked me. And since then it's been so confusing and upsetting....(this whole year has been really hard on me, and I guess it's now led to this). He told me he was arrested two years ago for possession of child ****ography. As soon as I heard that I of course was baffled. I asked a million questions, and googled him since it was on the news and everything. The charge is what he said it was, and he admits he had a **** addiction and some of the pictures he downloaded were of young teenage girls, but that he's never, ever touched a child or would even consider it. I've spent this whole time weighing the facts in my head. I believe he's never molested anyone or would, but I do this it's disturbing that he spent so much time looking at young girls. He admitted it was wrong and he's been in therapy for years now, his wife divorced him and he's facing prison time if he's convicted of this (the trial been on hold this whole time). I feel bad for him, and now for myself being wrapped up in this. We both get along well personality wise and I feel attached to him now, at least as a friend. I haven't had sex with him yet because of this. He obviously has issues and he's afraid to be seen in public with me by his friends who know about his charges. So I see him basically in secret. And it feels wrong and weird, yet I've been EXTREMELY attracted to this person. To the point of obsession almost :( I know this needs to come to some kind of healthy conclusion, because we're both addicted to each other, and it's being kept secret and it's scary and it's starting to make me really angry and bitter in all other areas of my life. UGHDFKJDF. Why do I have to be so into this person? I feel like I must be bad to end up in such awful relationships


I am glad, that you still are. Yes, He is a douchebag for what he did. But he didn't hide it from you.

You sound like you have a better heart, than his ex-wife does.

If you still have feelings for him, start watching/looking up, the A&E cable channel show 'Prison Wives'. While he probably won't end up being a 'lifer', like many of the male convicts mentioned in the show, you sound like a good, honest, forgiving woman. So keep in touch with him.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42497
   Posted Yesterday 6:28 PM (GMT -6)   
There is a huge difference in looking at regular women and the child aspect of it. If there were children involved and he is going to prison, he isn't going to have a very delightful time of it. Even prisoners don't like people like that. I hope you distance yourself from him. It is totally up to you, but I hope you are smart about it. Sometimes people like that don't change... Do you really want to go through that???

Best wishes...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Kaely
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 619
   Posted Yesterday 6:51 PM (GMT -6)   
My advice is run now before you get more involved. Pedophiles never change. If he eventually gets out of jail he'll have to register as a sex offender. Do you really want to live with that stigma for the rest of your life?
Chronic pain, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tennis Elbow (both arms), Arthritis (knees and fingers), Diabetes. Ruptured disk L-4, Severe degenerative damage L5-S1, ACDF C5-C6

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted Today 1:37 AM (GMT -6)   
I've realized from the beginning how creepy it is....I think my attraction to him has always been very magnetic. I know it can't work in the long run, and I should keep my distance. We've been trying to this whole time, but haven't succeeded yet. The thing I'm not sure I mentioned in my post was that he never took any of these pictures himself (at least that is not what he was convicted of, and the police went through all of his personal belongings, etc.) He just downloaded the images, which is disturbing, but to me it's a lot different than actually touching a child or taking a naked picture of them. I don't know what he's capable of...the thing I've learned is that I don't know what anyone is really capable of in this world anymore...desperation and confused feelings can lead to terrible things. I know he's been working hard to improve his life, and I can tell how genuinely distraught he is over everything that's happened, but it's still unhealthy. I don't know how to get myself away from this person completely but I know I need to. I have no one else that I'm close to now...all the people I've been trying to be friends with who are my own age are never around or too busy partying to understand all I'm going through and my family never has....so it's harder to cut ties with the one person I feel attached to :(

Chris516
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 80
   Posted Today 2:18 AM (GMT -6)   
elfenprincess said...
I've realized from the beginning how creepy it is....I think my attraction to him has always been very magnetic. I know it can't work in the long run, and I should keep my distance. We've been trying to this whole time, but haven't succeeded yet. The thing I'm not sure I mentioned in my post was that he never took any of these pictures himself (at least that is not what he was convicted of, and the police went through all of his personal belongings, etc.) He just downloaded the images, which is disturbing, but to me it's a lot different than actually touching a child or taking a naked picture of them. I don't know what he's capable of...the thing I've learned is that I don't know what anyone is really capable of in this world anymore...desperation and confused feelings can lead to terrible things. I know he's been working hard to improve his life, and I can tell how genuinely distraught he is over everything that's happened, but it's still unhealthy. I don't know how to get myself away from this person completely but I know I need to. I have no one else that I'm close to now...all the people I've been trying to be friends with who are my own age are never around or too busy partying to understand all I'm going through and my family never has....so it's harder to cut ties with the one person I feel attached to :(


It sounds more, like you need to work on YOU. Regardless of what he might(or might not) do.

Chris516
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 80
   Posted Today 2:46 AM (GMT -6)   
getting by said...
There is a huge difference in looking at regular women and the child aspect of it. If there were children involved and he is going to prison, he isn't going to have a very delightful time of it. Even prisoners don't like people like that. I hope you distance yourself from him. It is totally up to you, but I hope you are smart about it. Sometimes people like that don't change... Do you really want to go through that???

Best wishes...

Hugs, Karen


I don't know why it is, but even in the prison system regardless of minimum, medium, maximum, or even Super-max prison, if an inmate did something to a child, they may come out of the prison in a hearse. Even if their correctional sentence is not the death penalty.

So he is going to have to watch his back at all times.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42497
   Posted Today 4:49 AM (GMT -6)   
I would just get away from him and out of this relationship. For your own good. It doesn't matter if he took the pics or not. He is still getting turned on by children, and if you can't see that, you are in trouble. He isn't well. You don't need that in your life right now. You can find a healthy relationship. So start working on you, as Chris said, you need to take care of yourself and get stronger so you don't look to people of this nature.

Keep posting and know that we care...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 7/18/2012 9:49 PM (GMT -6)   
I know, and it's sickening because I don't know to what extent he's turned on by children. I'm not a mind reader....It might sound messed up but I feel there are degrees of severity when it comes to being turned on by minors. Looking at a 16 year old girl or boy who posted a half naked picture of themself on myspace is creepy, but understandable, as long as you're not actively harming or seeking to meet the minor in person. But looking at a LITTLE KID, especially if it's a kid having something done to them, disgusts me. And I'll never know the truth. It's messed with my head so badly. I feel so low, like I'm not even a person anymore. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror, I have no interest in the things I used to enjoy....I"m not even sure I know how to connect with anyone normally. I can talk to people, but I after everything I've seen lately, I just feel cut off. My brother od'd on heroin a few days ago. He's alive, but he came very very close to death. And all his friends (also the kids I grew up with and know well) are well are their way to dying from addiction. I'm suffocating surrounded by all of this. I don't know any positive people I can talk to in person and feel close to. I'm starting to fear every person I meet, and that's no way to live ;( I do need to work on myself...the problem is motivation. I'm trying...I just don't feel like it worth it sometimes. Thanks for listening... This forum is nice to have.

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 7/18/2012 10:35 PM (GMT -6)   
I feel like the biggest **** up in the world >:(

I should know better to stay away, but he should know twice as well. He's twenty years older than me :( ugh. And he knows I have extreme depression and mood disorders. I checked myself into a mental hospital not long after meeting him...after a kid I knew from high school died from a heroin overdose

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42497
   Posted 7/18/2012 10:44 PM (GMT -6)   
You aren't messed up. You are learning. These things happen. It is a good thing that you found out right away so that you weren't into the relationship any farther. Don't blame yourself in anyway. I don't think you had it really sink in until you came here for advice.

He isn't about to be the one to stay away. He is in a way a preditor. He probably seeked you out. Is he going to go to prison? If so maybe that is a good thing for you. It will help you get over him. This is hard, it is screwed up. And it probably played with your mind to an extent. So quit blaming yourself. Be thankful you are able to get out of the relationship without too much devistation. You have learned something so that is a plus. Chalk it up to experience and then regroup and move on. And remember, one day at a time...

Know that we are all here for you.

Take care... Have a good night...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Kaely
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 619
   Posted 7/19/2012 12:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Elfen, Think about this. Just downloading and looking is still pedophilia. HE IS ATTRACTED TO CHILDREN. That is disgusting. Just because he isn't the one taking the pictures doesn't mean he's not exploiting kids.

Think about the situation with you. You are half his age and in a very very vulnerable state of mind. Just the type a pedophile would go for. He is manipulating you. You know this is wrong and no one is going to tell you it isn't wrong except him.
Chronic pain, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tennis Elbow (both arms), Arthritis (knees and fingers), Diabetes. Ruptured disk L-4, Severe degenerative damage L5-S1, ACDF C5-C6

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 7/19/2012 5:46 AM (GMT -6)   
I told my parents and my brother about this situation, in tears, and they didn't seem concerned for me at all. No one said be careful or stay away...my dad actually jumped up and started defending him. So I hear all kinds of things, and these are the people closest to me, not caring, not giving advice. All I really have to go on is my own instinct, though I appreciate all the support and advice people can give...it's a complicated situation. I can't see this in black and white totally, because I don't know exactly what he's done. I just know it's BAD for me and him

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42497
   Posted 7/19/2012 7:24 AM (GMT -6)   
If you know it is bad for the two of you, then maybe you should back off and see what happens. I am sorry you are so confused right now. And sometimes love is blind. What he has told you about himself is enough to send a woman running. Do not get in any further with this man. You will be glad you didn't later. Be careful. Watch out for your heart and mind.

Take care...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

paperflowers
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/20/2012 6:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Im a victim of being a sexually abused as a child and have grown up knowing nothing more than a peadophiles sick mind, please listen, he will never change, just like homosexuality and heterosexuals, he is attracted to children and in normal situations i would say the age gap wouldnt matter, but this is creepy and i think you know it yourself but your obsession with him ( and his of yours ) isnt pulling you away. try to listen to your head, not your heart. No good can come from this. wish you all the best. xxxxx

paperflowers
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/20/2012 6:41 PM (GMT -6)   
sorry for commenting again but i really am worried for you, you need to realise how clever of manipulating some peadophiles can be, they make you feel sorry for them, take pity, justify there actions so they can make themselves feel better and get you where they want you, and also you said yourself, he should know better to burden you with all this, but dont you get it? he knew you were vulnerable and an easy target, please dont be a victim :( xxxx

flashinglights
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 7/24/2012 2:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I feel so bad. For you to have to be dealing with this is so saddening. I know exactly what its like to be in love with someone that is not meant for you, but it is amazing how one can't stay away, see always what they are doing, and completely fall for them with the slightest compliment.

It is wrong. You know as well as everyone else. It is so hard but you need to know the further you go and become more in love and obsessed with him, the harder the fall will be. For a 41 year old to even consider any relationship witj a 21 year old is not normal, especially under the circumstances of what he has done. Please just cut off all contact. Say you need to be done the relationship, not only to help yourself, but himself. For him to even pursue you being so young after what he did is sickening.

It does not matter that he didn't take the pictures, it is the fact of him typing it in the search bar hours on end and saving the images which makes me absolutly sick. You know its wrong, and what he's doing to you is wrong, he's making you fall for a sick man. You are still so young.

I know you may think that you have so much in common, both love to draw, but for your sanity and future, please just end it. There is someone out there for you, who will be able to treat you, have the same interests, and love you. Age should not be a playing factor, but would a 20 year old date a 10 year old? Not right.

Please get out and don't look back, you will be fine. Promise.
~Panic Disorder, Hypochondria~
Life isn't about waiting out the storm. It's about learning to dance in the rain

flashinglights
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 7/24/2012 2:08 PM (GMT -6)   
And also, looking at child molestors, and also murderers, for example, Ted Bundy. I know you may think this is crazy but all it took for him to snap, was ****ography. And in the interview before he was put to death, he said no child should watch tv because of the influences and gestures.

Is he has the tendency even to look at something as sick and cruel as the child ****ography, just because he hasn't done anything to a child, which you may not know, he is able to and could. Which is sad and so terrible to hear. Please keep updated.
~Panic Disorder, Hypochondria~
Life isn't about waiting out the storm. It's about learning to dance in the rain
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