Lonely, depressed and need to vent

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Lollipopdecay
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/19/2012 6:44 PM (GMT -6)   
I really need to vent right now and I have no one to talk to. This is long but I need to get it out.
I met my boyfriend through an online game. We were just friends for a long time but we talked every day through the game and chat programs. At the time I was a sophomore in high school living in Michigan and he lived in California. My life was falling apart at the time and he was someone I could talk to who made me feel like I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. He helped me survive those years. Our relationship changed from friendship to something more when I was a senior in high school. When I graduated high school I moved out to live with him in California. I was 18 he was 32.

His mother who only speaks Spanish also lives with him. I can understand some Spanish and she can understand some English so we are able to have some rudimentary communication. His family seemed great and our age difference didn’t seem to matter to them. I was pretty happy for a while. He worked and I went to a local college and things were good. After about a year and a half I must have become more aware of things around me or things changed I’m not entirely sure which. We were going to adopt a kitten everything was all ready, all we had to do was pick one out. He picked me up from school and told me we couldn’t get a kitten anymore, he told me his mom threatened to move out if we did. I would be all kinds of happy if it was that simple but it wasn’t. If she did that his brothers and sisters would be furious with him thinking he kicked her out of “her” home as they call it even though he and I pay most of the bills. Things became tense between her and me and have only gotten progressively worse as time has gone on. She is manipulative and definitely doesn’t like me and it wears on my patience daily dealing with her. I also started noticing some hostility from his family towards me, they would make snide comments about my weight and my age (I have a bit of a gut but I don’t feel like I’m as fat as they make me out to be) to my bf when I wasn’t around and he would tell me about it.

I dealt with his family and tried not the let them make me feel bad about myself. Somewhere along the way my boyfriend seemed to back away from me. It could be that I’m over analyzing his behavior but this is what I perceive. When I tried to hug him he either pushed me away or tickled me to get me to let go. When I tried to kiss him he moved away or blew in my mouth or licked my face jokingly to keep me from kissing him. When I tried to touch him sexually in any way he pushed me away or moved away. Also he never kissed, hugged, or touched me.
The first year and a half we were together things were so different between us so I was starting to feel rejected when he acted like that. I talked to him about it and he told me it was because he was stressed out because I didn’t have a job and he felt like he had all the burden of working. At the time I had just ended a seasonal job where they didn’t keep me. I was looking for a job. I told him I understood and that I would try harder to find a job. For a while things changed and he stopped avoiding me. Then he started doing it again and again I asked him about it and he said he was tired from working so I said okay I can understand that and for a while things changed again. Then he started doing it again and so I talked to him again and he told me it was because of what he went through with his exes.

Two of his exes cheated on him and they did so when they went away from him to college. I will eventually be transferring to a college that’s an hour or so away from him if he chooses not to come with me.

He told me he doesn’t trust me and never will. I asked him if there was anything I could do to make him trust me but he said no. It hurts me that he holds their mistakes against me. I would never cheat on him no matter how lonely he makes me feel and he should know that by my actions. After that talk nothing changed. He makes me feel so lonely; I have no one here but him. My family and my friends all live in a different state and none of them are close enough to me for me to make myself vulnerable to them to tell them how depressed I am right now nor would any of them understand. He treats me like he’s better than me and maybe he is because he’s older and does know more than me. I think he resents me because I can’t find a job that will keep me beyond seasonal work because of my shyness and heavy school schedule.

On top of that I’m having a hard time trusting him. Before I was even in a relationship with him he told me about all the women he’s been with and he made his attitude about sex very clear. I was and am totally okay with that. He says he never cheated on anyone he’s been with and I believe him. He said he loves sex yet with the way he acts with me it doesn’t seem that way at all. He treats me more like a friend than a girlfriend and that makes me worry that something is wrong with me. I was a virgin before I was with him so I’m not experienced with sex so I’m sure I’m not doing things very good. He makes me doubt myself and I constantly wonder if something is wrong with me and that’s why he’s not attracted to me anymore, I have gained some weight since I moved out here and he doesn’t let me forget that. I worry that if he supposedly loves sex and can’t live without it and he hasn’t touched me in nearly a year that he might be cheating on me. He would have plenty of opportunity all he would have to do is tell me he worked late and I would have no clue. I want to trust him because beyond that he hasn’t given me any reason not to but I’m having a hard time.

I’m kind of a hopeless romantic. I grew up without any clear examples of how real relationships are supposed to be. I read books and watch tv and movies and see relationships full of passion and fire and I feel pathetic but I’ve always wanted that. It’s becoming clear to me that that kind of relationship probably doesn’t exist but I wouldn’t mind feeling like I matter to someone. I wish my boyfriend started treating me like I’m important to him. Every time I have to ask him to pay some attention to me it tears me apart, I feel like that’s something I shouldn’t have to beg for. I’m too afraid to start a fight to tell him how I feel anymore because when we fight I just give in and let him win and agree to not say or do certain things. I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to and living in this house with his mom and his family who visits whenever they want without notice is starting to get to me. I can’t even go downstairs to get food without having to rush in fear of his family being over or his mom being in the kitchen. I’m tired, lonely, and depressed.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 7/19/2012 7:50 PM (GMT -6)   
HI there,

Welcome to the depression forum. If your boyfriend is acting this way, maybe it is time to take a realistic look at this relationship. It doesn't sound like you are being treated nice by the family at all. It sounds like he is being cold towards you from what you have said, and it sounds like the family is being the same way. Have you thought about moving back to Michigan? Where you have family and support? What are you taking in school? Is there something that you are persueing to do for yourself?

I don't think you are being treated right. Have you thought about going to a counselor to get your life back on track so that you can move forward. Even though you are with him, you should be doing things good for you. Not just him. I am sorry about the sexual situation. It would make me wonder too. But I wouldn't accuse him unless you knew for sure. Like you said, he would have pleanty of oppertunity if he wanted to. But the thing I am worried about is your self esteme. If people talk down to you and continue to treat you badly, you tend to think less of yourself. You want to be around people who treat you well and like you deserve to be treated.

I hope that things work out for you. I would get out of that situation if it were me. I hope that you do.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Kaely
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 619
   Posted 7/20/2012 7:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Your relationship sounds abusive to me. You've never known different but that is NOT how a healthy relationship works. Obviously he was looking for someone vulnerable when he found you.

A 30 year old and a 16 year old? Yeah he waited till you were a senior to move to a relationship but I have the feeling he planned it all along. He wants someone to control.

You sound miserable. I hope you get some counseling and work on your issues and get away from him. Go to college and find someone who loves you as much as you love him. This guy is just manipulating you.
Chronic pain, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tennis Elbow (both arms), Arthritis (knees and fingers), Diabetes. Ruptured disk L-4, Severe degenerative damage L5-S1, ACDF C5-C6

Lollipopdecay
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/20/2012 2:57 PM (GMT -6)   
I have thought about moving back to Michigan but there's a school here that I really want to go to once I get my transfer credits in. In going into computer science and i'm planning on transferring to San Jose State university once I can transfer. The school is right in silicone valley which is where all the major computer companies I could work for are so it works out well. I still have at least 3 years until I can transfer though so in the meantime it feels like I live every day wishing I could fast forward time. I don't have the money to support myself so I can't really leave him. I've tried really hard to find a solid job that I can support myself with but no one wants a full time student. Every job I've managed to get doesn't last because it's seasonal and they don't like that I can't work during the day because of my classes and I'm kind of shy so I have a hard time with sales jobs which is all I've been able to get. I try to make friends at school but I'm too shy so people just tend to avoid me. As for my self esteem I've never really had good self esteem and it's pretty much at the lowest it's ever been for me right now. I'm not really sure about talking to a counselor that kind of scares me to be honest. I don't know how I would be able to trust a stranger who I have to sit in front of with my shyness and talk about things I don't tell anyone else except this forum right now.

Kaely
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 619
   Posted 7/21/2012 6:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Abusive men love to keep you feeling insecure and helpless. You said you are a full time student? Can you get work study and live on campus? If not, maybe you should go back to Michigan and go to school there.

Shyness makes things harder for you for sure. I'm not shy but I am deeply paranoid so I don't do well with counseling. However if you can bring yourself to at least try, it can help you a lot.

This forum is a safe place for you to vent, so keep coming back and posting here, that should help some. At least you will have people to talk to on here.
Chronic pain, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tennis Elbow (both arms), Arthritis (knees and fingers), Diabetes. Ruptured disk L-4, Severe degenerative damage L5-S1, ACDF C5-C6
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