Dear all who may read this,
from this post I intend to vent out and hopefully feel some form of release. It may be my insecurity or not but before i start writing i would like to say that i do not let my personal problems interfier with my professional life.
I am a 20-year-old mental health nursing student (believe it or not) who has been suffering from depression for 7 years. I must admit that I have never used one of this forums (despite me giving advice to others to do so). Unfortunately due to my profession and living in an extremely small country I do not have the option to see a professional for the following reasons:
1) word travels quickly and i fear i will be tagged as a weak mental health professional
2) I had seeked help of a psychiatrist who i trust (who did admit me) and who sent me to a clinical psychologist which immigrated without letting me know and who during one of our sessions told me that i have to get over the fact that i was sexually violated and to just forget about it.
3) some nurses that were present while i was admitted broke confidentiality, by reporting back to my mum what my dad had done during his visit (they were going to a bad seperation at that time , so you can imagine) and who even went telling some of my fellow classmates that i was a patient as well as asked some unessesary personal questions.
why I think i am depressed
I have always suffered from low mood ever since I was young. Depression runs from my dad's part of the family. My grandmother who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia came to live with us and unfortunately was not compliant with her treatment. She was very delusional and even thought me and my brother were some form of lovers. She made us touch her in inappropriate ways, a memory which i bottled up for many years but I am proud that I eventually told someone about it.
I was eventually diagnosed with OCD (routines , patterns, hand washing , ruminating ect) when i was getting panic attacks when i couldnt keep up with all the routines.
i was again sexually assaulted the day before my 18th bday by my parent's friend who always used to joke how he would get me when i turned 18.
I have supported my father and watched out for him when he was threatening to commit suicide. (looking back probably emotional blackmail to get back at my mum)
I have always been attracted to people who have an addiction to substance misuse (illegal drugs/alcohol) and who have controlling issues (which i need to work on as this is down to me and not bad luck)
my grandfather recently died who i was extremely close to and nursed him at home till he passed (since my mum lives in a different country, my grandmother was too weak at that point to do so and the rest of the family were not surprisingly available)
As I am writing this i feel ashamed that I write in such a "i pity me" tone. In reality i dont think i do but having read the above i probably do. I also feel unlucky in a way too. though i shouldnt as i have a good support system from my mum and her mum. I juggle 2 jobs, live alone, go to school and trying to pay off the debts my ex left me with- including i found out my engagement ring!. I am fed up of feeling weak both emotionally and physically. Of vomiting in the mornings, of not eating or eating too much, of crying everyday, and of trying to cover it up from everyone and then when i eventually do break down I look like a drama queen.
I am consistantly thinking that people dont like me and cant stand me , although i have been described by many as extremely bubbly, assertive and funny... I cant understand why I can put on such a face and then go home and break down.
And i think what makes me more angry is that i have less than a year to graduate and I dont take my own advice