First off, I want to apologize to anyone and everyone I may hurt anyone's feelings yesterday. That is really not me or my behavior. I had a paranoid attack. I have anxiety attack and yesterday was a doozy. Please allow me to explain.
As most of you know, I don't leave my house except to go to Doctor appointments. I very rarely get out at all. My husband is my sole provider and Thursday night he was very late coming home. He is usually home between 6-7 PM, sometimes he drives about 3 hours to stores and 3 back home. He has perhaps as many as 6 stores a day. He is a retail territory sales with a very large dairy company in the North East. Anyway, I started to worry so bad about him being late. I worry because he is so tired and it's not hard to fall asleep driving that distance a day. I started to panic, thinking something happened to him, crying all over the house and finally falling on the bed hysterically craying for over 30 minutes. I ask God to bring him home safe as I need him. He is my best friend. He is the person who cares for me. That's not why I was crying. I was crying to the fact that something wasn't right with him thinking the worst. I was so upset that I got a migraine and was "tossing my cookies" as it was. My dogs were on the bed with me, licking my tears as if to say, "It's OK mom, daddy will be home". If I didn't have them, I would be a basket case. With no family and no friends in this very isolated but beautiful place. Finally at 7:45 PM he came home. He had to stop and get a few things including my prescriptions that I even forget about. He doesn't forget anything. If something happened to him, my life would be nothing. No would care for me. That's where the paranoia comes in. I didn't hear him come in and he heard me crying downstairs. He came down to the bedroom and asked me what happened. He thought something was wrong with me or his mom or my mom. I just told him that I was scared and couldn't lose him. He hugged me and told me I am not going to lose him. He wondered what triggered this. I said insecurity. He set the record straight and told me that he is ging no where unless the Lord calls for him. He said he hated coming home to find his wife crying. He calmed me down and told me everything would be OK.
This is the worst episode of anxiety I have had in a very long time. I am so afraid of losing him and no one caring about me or for me. I still harbour the feelings of being a failure as a wife. I understand that this illness I have isn't what I asked for and I always turn to the Lord for strength but the devil was busy at work, making me feel that I would be alone. I have come to realize that the devil isn't as strong as the Lord, so we have to fight hard. So, I wasn't my normal, cherry and helpful self yesterday. That's what I feel bad about. Once again, please forgive me. I don't think I have displayed this before on this site because this is where I come for comfort. I love you all!
"Lefty" to my friends, Sue