SORRY ALL, from peaceful to paranoia

Having2LeftFeet

Regular Member

Joined : Feb 2005

Posts : 472

Posted 5/7/2005 9:37 AM (GMT -6)

First off, I want to apologize to anyone and everyone I may hurt anyone's feelings yesterday. That is really not me or my behavior. I had a paranoid attack. I have anxiety attack and yesterday was a doozy. Please allow me to explain.

As most of you know, I don't leave my house except to go to Doctor appointments. I very rarely get out at all. My husband is my sole provider and Thursday night he was very late coming home. He is usually home between 6-7 PM, sometimes he drives about 3 hours to stores and 3 back home. He has perhaps as many as 6 stores a day. He is a retail territory sales with a very large dairy company in the North East. Anyway, I started to worry so bad about him being late. I worry because he is so tired and it's not hard to fall asleep driving that distance a day. I started to panic, thinking something happened to him, crying all over the house and finally falling on the bed hysterically craying for over 30 minutes. I ask God to bring him home safe as I need him. He is my best friend. He is the person who cares for me. That's not why I was crying. I was crying to the fact that something wasn't right with him thinking the worst. I was so upset that I got a migraine and was "tossing my cookies" as it was. My dogs were on the bed with me, licking my tears as if to say, "It's OK mom, daddy will be home". If I didn't have them, I would be a basket case. With no family and no friends in this very isolated but beautiful place. Finally at 7:45 PM he came home. He had to stop and get a few things including my prescriptions that I even forget about. He doesn't forget anything. If something happened to him, my life would be nothing. No would care for me. That's where the paranoia comes in. I didn't hear him come in and he heard me crying downstairs. He came down to the bedroom and asked me what happened. He thought something was wrong with me or his mom or my mom. I just told him that I was scared and couldn't lose him. He hugged me and told me I am not going to lose him. He wondered what triggered this. I said insecurity. He set the record straight and told me that he is ging no where unless the Lord calls for him. He said he hated coming home to find his wife crying. He calmed me down and told me everything would be OK.

This is the worst episode of anxiety I have had in a very long time. I am so afraid of losing him and no one caring about me or for me. I still harbour the feelings of being a failure as a wife. I understand that this illness I have isn't what I asked for and I always turn to the Lord for strength but the devil was busy at work, making me feel that I would be alone. I have come to realize that the devil isn't as strong as the Lord, so we have to fight hard. So, I wasn't my normal, cherry and helpful self yesterday. That's what I feel bad about. Once again, please forgive me. I don't think I have displayed this before on this site because this is where I come for comfort. I love you all!

"Lefty" to my friends, Sue

There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

AlwaysRosie

Veteran Member

Joined : Jan 2005

Posts : 8616

Posted 5/7/2005 11:17 AM (GMT -6)

Hey Lefty,

I'm so sorry you had such a difficult time of it.

Life sure is hard sometimes. I'm glad you have a handle on it today. It is so refreshing to hear how supportive your hubby is. I am blessed by my hubby too. I don't take it for granted either, I know how hard it must be to live with chronic illness, but he still makes me feel special.

I'm sure you already know that there is an edit button which you can use on your own posts if you really think there are some comments that you would like to reword, delete or add to. I have gone back into my own posts and fixed or clarified things. I have even posted a reply and delete the whole thing 2 minutes later, thinking it wasn't worth the time that people would spend to read it.

Just know that we are here for you and we are so glad you feeling better today sis.

Blessings!

In His Grip,

AlwaysRosie

Psalms 139

_UCTD _{(Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease),}_Hashimoto's,_{High BP,}_{GI Inflamation,}_{Diverticuloses}

_{Plaquenil, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel}

_{Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today:}_{http://www.healingwell.com/donate/}

CheerDad

Veteran Member

Joined : Apr 2004

Posts : 2284

Posted 5/7/2005 2:31 PM (GMT -6)

Hey Lefty, sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now. Emotions are a very difficult thing to corral and express in a healthy way. I find myself in all kinds of different places even within the same day. Can be feeling great one minute and the next feel like such a cloud of doom has come over me. Today I am struggling just to leave my room. I want to crawl into my "cave" as a friend at work calls it, and hide from everything. Problem is that all will still be there when I come out and so the cave is no refuge just a hiding place. It is during this time that I recognize my need to find solace in my Higher Power and see him for his strength and ability to carry me during this storm. Most of all I try and seek out friends to talk to so I don't keep the poisons inside like my habits of past would. We are here for you anytime you need us to let out whatever is inside. Good luck and God Bless!

Pain is enevitable, misery is optional.

Randy

Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/

Never Alone

Regular Member

Joined : Apr 2005

Posts : 23

Posted 5/7/2005 5:34 PM (GMT -6)

i am sorry to hear that (may i call you lefty)
i am a stay at home dad since the Incident and i have had exact same problems and feelings as far as being a father/husband and i was also parinoid if my wife was 5 min late so if you need to talk im in the entrance room of the chat we can talk further there if you dont feel comfortable with it ill check back for a post or you could yahoo me @ cschultzel

chin up we are here for ya

I have walked the road of recovery

for sometime now

I look behind and see progress

though slow and alone it was

I look foward and see no end

I am alone.......

then a hand touched each shoulder so tender

so I looked to both sides and I found friends

who dont walk behind nor ahead

but by my side

I am not alone.......

and through my endless journey

I hope to see them reach

the end of thier road of recovery

I will always be here

but NEVER ALONE

I walk with my friends

Having2LeftFeet

Regular Member

Joined : Feb 2005

Posts : 472

Posted 5/7/2005 7:04 PM (GMT -6)

Thank you to all that posted. Your words of encouragement jelped me a lot. When the good Lord "hounds me", I know I have to do the right thing. He lets me know by putting a conviction on me. It's something that hounds me until I make something I did right. I guess that's a good thing. I love you guys, Rosie, thanks for the "heads up" on the edit. Hugs

Sue

AlwaysRosie

Veteran Member

Joined : Jan 2005

Posts : 8616

Posted 5/7/2005 8:51 PM (GMT -6)

*Rosie smiles as she puts her arm around Lefty's shoulder and they walk along in the shade beside a trickling stream and chat about the fun they'll have at the next tea party*

In His Grip,

AlwaysRosie

Psalms 139

_UCTD _{(Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease),}_Hashimoto's,_{High BP,}_{GI Inflamation,}_{Diverticuloses}

_{Plaquenil, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel}

_{Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today:}_{http://www.healingwell.com/donate/}

dbab

Veteran Member

Joined : Jan 2004

Posts : 4151

Posted 5/7/2005 9:22 PM (GMT -6)

Hi Lefty, I can completely understand your feelings. I often feel that way when my hubby doesn't get home in time. He has obstructive sleep disorder and he tells me he thinks he falls asleep when he is sitting in traffic sometimes. I don't know why he has to tell me that.

I'm so sorry that you went through that. Remember that we are here for you. I don't always post because I don't always know what to say but that doesn't mean that I don't care or pray for everyone here. Everyones' posts touch me and I feel myself tearing up a lot but its because I do know what everyone is feeling. You are a very special person and I know that no one on this forum would intentionally hurt anyone.

Hugs

"Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you."
- John De Paola

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