Need some perspective

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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/26/2012 1:53 PM (GMT -6)   
about 5 years ago I found out the greatest news, that I was going to have a baby! My boyfriend and I were so excited! He was caught up into some pretty heavy stuff, and on my 5th month of pregnancy, he was shot and killed. My whole world just crumbled before me, and it was all over stupidity! When I was on my 8th month, a cyst had formed and grew so big in my umbilical cord, that it cut off my babies source of oxygen and nutrients and I lost him too. I had to give birth to him, even though he was already gone. I had lost my love and my child, and over the past 5 years I have been struggling so hard to be around people again and not be so angry. Though I seem to push everyone away I really only want my heart to feel whole again. I recently started to get close to an old high school friend, and he is really nice. We started dating and eight months later ...i found out that i am pregnant. I should be so happy, but i feel so sad. i cant stop crying, i just dont know what to do. I really feel lost. Its almost like im doing something wrong if i move on. I just dont know how and its not fair to this guy, hes really nice, but i still love my first. He was my everything, my first love, my first, my best friend! I just dont understand why everything is liek this. Sometimes I just fantasize i was with them in heaven. Insight from others may help and as i am not very interested in going out and talking face to face with people i thought to give this blogging a try!

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 7/26/2012 2:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Kiwistar,

Have you ever tried a "grief and loss" support group? sounds like a good idea for you. there is a wonderful healing force in being within the safety of a group of people, that share the same pain as you do. You can google/search any engine for one near you.

If you have not talked to your doctor yet about this, you should. Sounds like you have not dealt with all your loss and might even have PTSD from all the trauma. Only a doctor can tell you for sure, medicines can help you over the hump and therapy or counciling can help you the rest of the way.

It may be scary at first, but not as scarey as keeping it all inside, just to yourself. You have a lot of life left to live.

Keep posting here people do care!
Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/26/2012 4:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Kiwistar,

Welcome to the depression forum. I too think that seeing a doctor could help. And seeing a therapist for ptsd. It sounds like you do have a lot of loss that you need to deal with. Coming here and writing helps a lot too. Gives you a little perspective on things. I sure do hope that you feel better soon. Keep posting, it does help.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 7/27/2012 4:08 AM (GMT -6)   
with much healing compassion to you.



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