about 5 years ago I found out the greatest news, that I was going to have a baby! My boyfriend and I were so excited! He was caught up into some pretty heavy stuff, and on my 5th month of pregnancy, he was shot and killed. My whole world just crumbled before me, and it was all over stupidity! When I was on my 8th month, a cyst had formed and grew so big in my umbilical cord, that it cut off my babies source of oxygen and nutrients and I lost him too. I had to give birth to him, even though he was already gone. I had lost my love and my child, and over the past 5 years I have been struggling so hard to be around people again and not be so angry. Though I seem to push everyone away I really only want my heart to feel whole again. I recently started to get close to an old high school friend, and he is really nice. We started dating and eight months later ...i found out that i am pregnant. I should be so happy, but i feel so sad. i cant stop crying, i just dont know what to do. I really feel lost. Its almost like im doing something wrong if i move on. I just dont know how and its not fair to this guy, hes really nice, but i still love my first. He was my everything, my first love, my first, my best friend! I just dont understand why everything is liek this. Sometimes I just fantasize i was with them in heaven. Insight from others may help and as i am not very interested in going out and talking face to face with people i thought to give this blogging a try!