Thanks for the responses. Its good to know that I'm not alone in this. I think talking to a grief counselor would be best. I don't know about
therapy yet. I'm not embarassed I just don't want to have to explain it to no one. Which can be see as being embarrassed. Going through my mothers cancer treatment brought back so much stress and made me start thinking about
everything I tried to "bury" and it came to the surface. The whole sexuality thing is something I think I am over-thinking but that is just the way I am. I know sexuality is something that can be hard to deal with. Yes I am confused. The only reason why is because I ended up liking one of my friends who is a girl a lot. Which was totally unexpected. I don't really believe in labels and calling myself bisexual or anything like that doesn't scare me it just doesn't seem to fit me. If that makes sense. I just don't want people to inquire so much and call me something that I think I'm not. My cousin asked one time if I liked girls and I said no and I felt like I lied to him because I had this crush on this girl at the time. I don't anymore. I also feel that since no one knows about
it except a few people not in my family like I'm living a lie or something. I know it can happen where you can like a girl and be a girl and end up with men for the rest of your life. It's not uncommon. I think ... well I know ... a lot of my stress and depression is coming from me being confused about
it and just by typing it I know its true. My mother's death is something that I have come to terms with and I really have and I'm not just saying that. The emptiness is still there but most of my stress is not knowing where I stand sexually. If you were in my brain and knew why is stresses me so much you might not be able to understand it either. Like I said in my first post I haven't experienced many things and if you looked at me you probably wouldn't even know. I'm good a keeping up a facade.
I just like that I am able to talk on here about
it. My mother was kind of afraid of me being a lesbian because I never brought her guys to meet or dated anyone. So I know she was afraid of that. I don't think she would have hated me but I don't know. Also this whole crush thing just happened last year. I never thought about
it before or anything like that it just happened. So my fear is was I meant to be this way. Was this meant to happen. Am I gay / bi / whatever? Am I just one of those girls who had a crush on a girl and just accept it and just let life happen?
I'm a natural worrier and I get so caught up in my own mind I don't just let life happen. Like I said I don't like labels because they are scary and I feel like it puts you in a box. Yeah. That was good to let out.