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laswellracin
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/1/2012 10:00 AM (GMT -6)   
To all,
 
Hello! I am typing this to hopefully gather some opinions on what is going on with me.
 
I was diagnosed with chronic depression (Dysthymia) years ago. In addition, I typically go through major depression once to twice a year. These episodes usually last for a few days. I am currently on 90mg of Cymbalta daily. A little bit of background on myself is that I am in my late thirties, a father of three children, and live a normal life. I have a masters degree and supervisor a group that has a net profit of roughly 50 million/year.
 
I was raised by normal parents. My father is a recovered alcoholic and has not drank anything for 25+ years. My mother was perhaps the sweetest person I have ever known. My mother passed away at the age of 49, while my father is still living. I proudly served in the US Army for 7 years before being medically discharged out. This is when I consider my depression to have started.
 
I was absolutely destroyed being discharged from the US Army. After years (12 years) of ups and downs, I now wonder if this is the best it will ever get. I have seen doctors, pyschologists, and all that. I have also self admitted myself into a mental hospital.
 
Today, I can honestly say that I am not happy. I have no reason to say this, as I am married to a wonderful woman, my children are healthy, and have a job most would give a lot to be in. I do not care for people, in general, and really hate crowds. Even when talking to others or my wife, I become disengaged and just stare off in the distance. I no longer remeber anything. I take Ambien to sleep, but it does not work. I either cannot sleep or wake up often during the night.
 
I am not a threat to myself or others, but I am not afraid of that. In fact, I could care less about anything. If my wife walked up to me and asked for a divorce, I believe my response would be a simple, "Okay". I feel like I no longer have any emotion.
 
Does anyone else feel this way? 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/1/2012 10:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Maybe you aren't on the right meds. It is no fun to feel nothingness. I would talk to your psychiatrist about this.

It is very frustrating to be unhappy when there is no reason to. That is why I think you need to be reaccessed and maybe try another med. I am sorry you aren't sleeping. Have you tried ambien cr? It works all through the night instead of just when you fall asleep. My husband takes it. I take regular ambien. It works for me.

Keep posting, and know that we all care about you. I hope that you stick around and post more.

Wish for you a wonderful day...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 8/1/2012 10:28 AM (GMT -6)   
sounds like a disassociative disorder.

very sorry about your discharge.

i have felt this way in the past.

with healing compassion,

jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

laswellracin
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/1/2012 11:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Getting by & Jamiee.... thank you for responding.

I am currently on Ambien CR and it does nothing. I have tried regular Ambien also.I just read my post and I should clarify that when I said I had ups and downs, I was really saying down and lower down. I bet I have not smiled in 10 years.

My employees ask what is wrong or if I am in a bad mood. It is not that I am in a bad mood, I could just care less. I do the things I do, because I am supposed to, not because I want to.

It is at the point in my life that I do not trust the medical profession. I have talked until I am blue in the face. In short, nothing changes and the result is the same. I really do not trust anyone.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/1/2012 11:59 AM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like you feel alienated to the world. That is a sad place to be. It could be a disassiciative disorder. If I said and spelled that right. I really think you should talk to the doc and see if you need a change of medication. Unless you don't care that you don't care, and that is possible. Do you see a psychiatrist? I do and it has really helped me. Sometimes doctors seem clueless and it is time for a change.

We have to rely on the medical profession sometimes to get better. I still think you should continue to persue this by either swithching meds, or switching doctors. Keep us posted on how you are feeling. I am concerned by the lack of feeling.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 8/3/2012 9:16 AM (GMT -6)   
laswellrascin,

I am so sorry to hear that you are so down. However, there is a light at the end of your tunnel and it is NOT a train coming the other way.

I also had alcoholic parents. I strongly suggest that you speak to your doctor about a referral for a therapist. I have dissosative disorder myself and that is exactly what I do. Zone out when people talk to me. I am much better now then before. I have been in therapy for 1 1/2 years now.

You may think that there is no problem haunting you from your childhood, trust me, they hide very well, children can repress memories so well, it like we had a whole different life. This does not mean you are crazy, just skillful at survival.

You want a therapist that works specificaly with adults of alcoholic parents. If you don't like the first one, find another, you have to be comfortable with your therapist to heal.

As for no feelings? I believe you have LOTS of them, you are just NUMB right now. In survival mode.

Keep posting here, we care.

Be still and know there is peace.

Trina
Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Post Edited (BnotAfraid) : 8/3/2012 8:20:54 AM (GMT-6)


laswellracin
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/3/2012 10:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Trina,
 
Thank you for the kind words. The main issue I have is that I am uncomfortable with everyone, including my wife. My wife has said several times that she believes I suffer from PTSD, but I do not know. To this day, I still dream about deployments and hear things that are not there. I also startle easy with sounds I am not familiar with. I do not like loud noises. It is difficult for me to talk. I can express myself so much easier through writing, because the interaction is absent.
 
I cannot explain how I feel and I believe you are correct in saying that I am numb. I have been for some time (years). I have two moods... sad and anger. Mostly, I am sad. I feel my life is a waste. When I "zone out", I stare off and think of nothing. I can leave work and not remember anything about the travel home.
 
I am frustrated because I feel I do not have the strength in my heart anymore. I have all but given up on thinking my attitude, life, feelings, or thoughts will improve.
 
I have made an appointment to see a VA psychiatrist. This is improvement but I doubt it will change anything. I have been at this point many times.
 
 

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 8/3/2012 12:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Well this appointment is a good start. Do not stop here though. Make sure they add a therapist or a group intervention for you!! I would bet my last dollar that you have PTSD from childhood and the military. But I am not a doctor.

The VA has wonderful programs, like everywhere else though you have to fight for your rights. If your wife is supportive, which she sounds like she is; have her be your advocate.

If you have trouble with a doctor or therapist or can not get into a group; call the VA advocacy office near where you live. These people do help the vets. I did it for my Dad and many seniors while working in nursing homes.

You and your wife can do it too. Never, never, never give up. Help is out there and you can feel better, honest!
In the meantime, check out some mindfulness.org and see if some of those exercises help calm the anger inside.

Be still and now there is peace.
Trina
Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Post Edited (BnotAfraid) : 8/3/2012 11:09:43 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/3/2012 1:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Trina really has a point on the mindfulness ( and everything else she said ). You said that you drove home from work and didn't remember the experience. That means you aren't paying attention to what you are doing in the moment. You are spacing out. This is common for people with depression. But it is really important to stay mindful. I hope that you check the site out and work on that. I think it will help you to feel things better. Take care, I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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