Posted 8/5/2012 5:16 AM (GMT -7)
I'm in desperate need of advice and I have no one in my personal life that I can turn to. Here's the deal, I am 20 years old and have withdrawn from college for 1 year since my mental breakdown. I was diagnosed with major depression and general anxiety disorder. I have taken numerous medication, all which made me feel worst either physically and/or mentally, so I am no longer taking anything. I go to a government run clinic to see a psychiatrist once a month and a therapist once a week, since my family and myself do not have the finances. The problem is I do not trust my psychiatrist or my therapist.
I distrust my psychiatrist because as I've mentioned earlier drugs and me were just not meshing, and one of the first things he said to me was like "if I had to choose again, I rather chose the career path as a pharmacist rather than a psychiatrist". This statement, along with some other things he said made me very skeptical about the genuine help he wanted to provide me. I haven't seen him in two months, since I don't think he is helping me, and I have a knack for avoiding people and things that make me feel uncomfortable.
I distrust my therapist mainly because he is trying to push me to go back to school (which is far away from my home), therefore discontinuing my treatment with him. Yes, I told him and sincerely do want to go back to school, but I know I am not ready. For the past couple of months, I have told him repeatedly I felt like I have not progressed and was still very very very deeply depressed. I don't know why then, he is still pushing, and this has been his M.O. since we started. I have looked at reviews online of the clinic I am going to, and one past employer has mentioned that one of the main goals of the clinic was to "turn-over" as many patients as possible, since of funding. Other things also bother me about my therapist, like him never really having a planned session, we just continue on for 50 min about "how was your week". He has helped me a bit with some social anxiety problems, like methods to relax, and basic conversation skills, but I really believe this kind of progression is not enough to help me be successful at college. For a long time, every week I have just become more distrustful of him, therefore loosing almost all hope for a better future, and thus I have avoided going to sessions for 2 weeks. I don't plan on going to my session next week either.
I feel very wary of asking to change the psychiatrist and therapist I have, since this is a government funded clinic. I am already ridden with guilt that I am receiving help for free, and I do think this is barring me from progressing. I am also skeptical that I will encounter more compatible professionals than the ones I have now in a government funded clinic. In the past, I did have a therapist that was on a sliding scale, however, I did not like her as well. A good half of me believes that my lack of progression is not them but me.
I have not left my house in 2 weeks. I intentionally ruined all my relationships with friends by ignoring them and not responding to their phone calls and messages. I just don't think I am a good friend, so they should stop wasting their energy on me. Also, I am very very ashamed. I can not talk to my parents because 1) we kind of have a language barrier, since I am not that fluent in our native tongue [I know...pathetic]; 2) I blame the root of my problems on my parents and their upbringing; and 3) they think I am intentionally sabotaging myself, and I should just "snap out of it".
I have missed deadlines to enroll for classes at my community college for fall semester, because I was told by a counselor I will NOT get into the classes I need because of how highly demanded those general education classes are and I will have the latest registration date. However, I know that even if I got some units done, it will help me. I have a big problem with perfectionism, and if things don't go the way I want them to, I won't deal with them at all, which makes everything worst.
I don't know what to do. For the last year, I've gained 30lbs and have had a major relapse in my trichotillmania. Everything is even worst than when I was diagnosed last year and still in school. What is my next step?