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bessybell
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 8/7/2012 10:34 AM (GMT -6)   

I’m not even sure where to begin. Life has taken a wretched turn after many years of good times. It’s normal, I guess, for there to be ups and downs. It is funny though that what I previously thought of as downs weren’t so down. Now they almost seem like almost ups. Ha.

 

Things were going well in our lives; or, at least, we should have thought they were. While financially things were tight, they weren’t disastrous. We couldn’t afford luxuries, but we had everything we needed and some of what we wanted. Now we’re lucky to be able to afford the things we need. It’s a struggle.

 

I lost my job in February; we were fine (with severance, tax returns, what little savings we had) through June. I started a job in June but it was a 70% reduction in income.

 

My husband has not worked since we’ve been together (nearly 10 years). That worked for us for a lot of reasons. Now with the unemployment rate so high it is nearly impossible to re-enter the workforce. There are other factors too. My husband, while extremely intelligent, also has Aspergers. His extreme focus can either be his savior or his demon. He sometimes can’t think outside of the straight line path he has chosen and at other times he cannot focus on the immediate important decisions because his mind has wandered into the land of What-If.

 

The bottom line is that we are struggling and it’s so very hard. I don’t think my husband is fully aware of the struggle and just how much of a toll it’s taking on me.

 

Yesterday I was contacted to interview for a job in another state. I am excited for the opportunity and know that if the job is offered to me I will take it. No question. I have to take the job.

 

My husband has looked for work, but has had no interviews (I’ve had less than five myself – and I’m a licensed professional with 17 years of experience). So, he has focused his time and energy over the past several weeks on getting formal (documented) education in a new and upcoming field; one that ties two of his biggest interests together – health care and information technology. He has been reasonably successful in getting various forms of financial aid (even if some of it is loans – UGH) and is now scheduled to be taking classes this fall and into the spring. He is upset and frustrated because if I accept a job in another state it would mean we have to move.

 

The job I have now is full time, and I work as much overtime as I can get. I worked 26 of the 31 days in July. Yesterday and today are the first two days off in a row I’ve had since June 9-10. I work outside wearing a period costume. It’s hot. It’s humid. And visitors/guests are hot and irritated too. Don’t get me wrong, I do love the job but it doesn’t pay the bills and it’s exhausting.

 

Today my husband has made many comments about how he didn’t get much sleep last night (his brain was too busy) and that everything is falling apart, blah, blah, blah. He’s upset because his endeavors with education may be at risk if I am offered the job in the other state.

 

And I’m the bad guy because I won’t pursue the idea of staying here, work the killer job that doesn’t pay enough and open/run my own business (in addition to working the killer job). I can’t pay for medications, utilities, anything. And he’s upset because I want to pursue a full time job in my career that will afford us a better lifestyle than the one we are living now.

 

Excuse me for feeling sorry for myself but I can’t afford my anxiety medications, my family has decided that since he can’t find a job he must not be looking and therefore they will not help us, creditors are calling nonstop…

 

I don’t know how much longer I can take all this.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 8/7/2012 10:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Are you optimistic about this job in another state? Maybe if you talk to your family and tell them that you are getting this other job, they might lend you the money for your anxiety meds? Are you questioning whether you should take the job? In my opinion, you should. There may be oppertunities there for your husband also. You never know.

Follow your heart. Dont' think of yourself as the badguy. You aren't. You are trying to better yourself. And noone knows what the future will hold for your husband... Could be good things.

TAke care and keep posting...

Hugs, Karen

PS Welcome to the forum...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bessybell
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 8/7/2012 11:05 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen and thanks for the welcome.
 
I'm always optimistic about a job - but I'm becoming less so after the last few interviews came to naught. The thing is I both NEED and WANT this job (need more than want, but after awhile there isn't really much difference). There is no question I will take the job if it is offered.
 
My family is not an option. They don't like my husband (never really have, they think he's using me among other things). They accept him because I love him, but recently my mother sent an email to him (that I intercepted because it came to my email address) that was both insulting and threatening. When I talked to my brother about it he said they would not be sending us any cash because they don't believe he's doing enough. I didn't think there were conditions placed on assistance from family. Guess I was wrong.
 
I was finally able to get some anxiety meds from my doctor yesterday (they gave me some samples) and they are helping (no more dizzy spells from the withdrawal - yay). But I'm still feeling sensitive and losing control.
 
I just need a sympathetic, relatively unbiased ear.
 
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 8/7/2012 12:51 PM (GMT -6)   
I am glad that you got the anti anxiety medications. Use them as you need them. That is what they are for. Try to take life one day at a time. If the last couple interviews didn't get you anywhere, I wouldn't get hopes up, but I wouldn't necessarily write it off either. There is alway hope really. Just keep it in the back of your mind. I do hope you get the job. I think it would make you very happy and secure. You never know what is going to be around the next corner. So don't loose all hope here. LIfe is full of changes... Sometimes more than we want.

I am glad you intercepted that email. But so sorry your mother wrote it. I guess in a lot of cases, nobody will be good enough for certain peoples's children. This could be one of those cases. I hope that is all it is. But it is hard to say. I don't know the circumstances. Maybe it would be good for you to avoid your family if you aren't already. Unless you think that they are right. You did say that your husband hasn't worked a job for the ten years that you have been together. It sounds like he has a disability maybe though. Has he ever thought of signing up for disability?

I sure hope that things work out good for you. Working in the hot sun everyday doesn't sound like fun. It is gettting closer to autumn. Things can change too.

Keep your chin up.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Caro11
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 8/7/2012 1:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Bessybell,

You sure have a lot of responsabilities on your shoulders. It sadens me to hear that your husband is putting you down with all you are doing for him, he should be more encouraging...
I think that your family is cutting you off because they want better for you so they are doing this out of love and they are probably worried for you being with a husband that is not helping out financialy. Of course, they could find a better way then cutting you off like that... I hope you make peace with them, family is precious.
I really do wish you get the job, you deserve it so much. It will be a new start for you. Change is always for the better because it keeps you going forward in life.
Take care

bessybell
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 8/7/2012 5:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the suppor Karen and Caro11. I don't want to paint my husband as an ingrate or anything like that. He's had his share of setbacks in his life and we generally support each other. In my mind, his love, companionship and all that makes him who he is is what I fell in love with. I didn't need someone to support me financially. My mother encouraged me to be independent (because of her own experiences) and now sometimes gets pissed that I'm too independent.

Anyway, while my husband has issues, he is not disabled and would be highly offended if I suggested we pursue SSDI for him. In his mind he's trying very hard. And he is, in his own way. If I hadn't lost my job, his employment status would not be an issue at all.

As for my family - my mother has issues. She is on SSDI for many mental and physical health problems. She kinda lost it on 9-11 and has more or less been treading the waters of sanity since then. We've not been really close since the mid 90's (when I was in college) but we do generally keep in touch.

My brother and I have grown closer over the past few years, ironically because of the issues with my mother. And he has two children that I wish I could spend more time with. We keep in touch, but I will not ask them for financial help. It's more than just a matter of pride, in some ways he feels the same as my mother does about my husband. But he is more accepting and understanding.

The problem right now is that my husband is pouting (for lack of a better word) because he may have to quit all this school stuff he has finally gotten approved and registered for and everything. Of course, I don't have a job offer, just an interview.

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that maybe we could live apart temporarily if I should get a job out of state. He could stay here and at least complete a semester or two and then we can make all the necessary arrangements to move afterwards. He could also take time to see about transferring credits etc. But he had another melt-down/pouting session/whatever. He didn't want to even consider that.

I swear if he makes one more comment tonight referencing the possibility of things going not as he planned, I'm likely to scream...

Caro11
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 8/7/2012 7:20 PM (GMT -6)   
It's sad for your mom but I'm glad that it brought you closer to your brother and his children. You seem to have thought of solutions if you get the job and I'm everything will fall in place.

Take care,
Caroline

Kaely
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 619
   Posted 8/7/2012 11:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry about how your family is acting, it's rough when support you are used to getting is suddenly yanked away. It sounds like your family is trying to get you to live the way they want, not the way you want.

You said your husband is pouting. You also said he has Aspberger's. Could it be that he's 'pouting' because people with autism spectrum disorders simply cannot handle sudden changes?

He worked really hard to get the schooling set up and you suddenly changed the whole plan on him. Of course he isn't taking it well.

Understand that “no” may be the first response to new ideas, but may mean, “I just need more time to think about this.”

Give him some time to get used to the idea. Something that might help is to write down the reasons why you need to make this move. Talking about it is upsetting him so write it down and give it to him. That way he can incorporate the information more easily.
Chronic pain, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tennis Elbow (both arms), Arthritis, Diabetes. Ruptured disk L4-L5, Severe degenerative damage L5-S1, L5 Nerve root displacement, ACDF C5-C6

bessybell
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 8/8/2012 5:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Kaely.
 
Yes I believe the "pouting" is definitely a type of fight or flight response to potential change. And yeah, it's definitely something that is worse because of the Aspergers.
 
I know he worked hard and I want to support him so much - but I can't give up a good paying job for this. The timing just sucks.
 
And then there's the whole what if part...it's only an interview, not a job offer. Hell, I may not even get offered the job and all this pouting and stress was for nothing. Or, the stress and walking on eggshells could make the interview go badly and then I have to continue to face this significant financial struggle.
 
Ugh...I don't know.

Kaely
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 619
   Posted 8/8/2012 10:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Try the writing thing, it's easier for him to process than conversation. That way you can say all you want to say without him freaking on you and he can digest it all in his time. This could save both of you a lot of stress. If you don't like to write try taping it.

Then just let it go for now. Do your interviews and see what happens. You have the cart way ahead of the horse right now. Let the horse catch up a bit.

You're already in a rough situation dealing with your family's behavior. Take a deep breath and step back a bit. You need to take care of yourself as well as your husband. You obviously understand this and have been doing it for years.

Living with someone with Aspbergers forces you to walk on eggshells at times. I know it's rough but again, this is a choice you've made for yourself.

So let this go for now. Pamper yourself a bit, go for a ride or do something to relax every day, you deserve it.
Chronic pain, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tennis Elbow (both arms), Arthritis, Diabetes. Ruptured disk L4-L5, Severe degenerative damage L5-S1, L5 Nerve root displacement, ACDF C5-C6

bessybell
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 8/9/2012 6:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Kaely, I really appreciate the support.

You are right, the cart is way ahead of the horse. For now I am letting this go. We'll have plenty of time to talk on the drive to the interview and back. LOL.

He seems to be coming around a bit, sometimes it just takes him a few days.

Thanks again for the support all. I'm feeling a little better and hopefully we'll get through this together.
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