Am I depressed

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rahul131982
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/9/2012 6:22 AM (GMT -6)   
This is a bit of a long story. So bear with me. I am a 30 year old married male. I have been healthy all my life with no major illness(touchwood) or depression. I had a girlfriend who is now my wife and we have known each other for 8 years now and we have been married for a year and 6 months.Before we got married we had a long distance relationship right through with us meeting for 8-9 days every 2 months or so. Because we were from different religions it was a little bit of a fight for us to convince our parents but we did and finally got married last year. However 1.5 years before I got married, I met this girl lets call her S. She was a collegue at work and was fun to be with. We became good friends and soon this friendship turned into a physical relationship 6 months before I got married. I know I should have broken off with my wife when I had got invloved with S, but I didnt. Both me and S decided that we wuld put a stop to our relationship and that I go ahead and get married as we didnt know whether we loved each other. However a month into my marriage, i reached out to S to check how she was doing and well to cut the long story short, we got back together and ended up having an affair.

Early this year we again decided to stop this as this was leading nowhere and I had encouraged her to go out and meet other people so she could get over me and move on. At that point I had thought she was struck on me and me a little less and I would be ok and should move on easily. At the same time, i also started hating the work I have been doing. I am pretty good at my job and I have also been doing well at my job, but its mundane work sometimes and can get boring. So while I was having a crisis regarding my work life, S also found someone else who she thought she saw herself spending her life with. While I took it well initially, it hit me very hard after that.

Initailly i wasnt interested in doing work, didnt eat properly, lost around 5 kgs of weight and stopped sleeping properly. Earleir I used t sleep like a log where i would wake up only when i woke up from sleep at the end of 7-8 hours. Now i keep waking up every few hours which makes me irritable during the day. While all the others (not able to work, loss of appetite) etc have gone down, I still am not able to sleep properly.

Am I Depressed? I dont know what to do. Somebody please help me.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 8/9/2012 6:35 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't know if you are depressed or if it is just the situation. How do you feel about S getting on with her life? Is this making you sad? You might have some unresolved feelings about her still. I think that the best thing you could do for yourself is talk to a therapist and have them access your situation.

How are you and your wife getting along? Is the relationship good? Did she know about the affair? You may be having some guilt feelings and that is only natural. You need to sort out your feelings and figure out if you are happy or not. Funny how something like an affair can turn your whole world upside down. I hope that you feel better soon. Talk to somebody and get your feelings sorted out.

Hugs, Karen
 
I see you posted in migraines about your girlfriend.  It seems that you are still concerned about her.  I hope you are staying faithful to your wife.  Do you care about her too?  I hope so...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 8/9/2012 5:38:51 AM (GMT-6)


rahul131982
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/9/2012 6:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen for the reply.

My wife and me are getting along ok as she doesnt know anything about the affair. I do really care about my wife and I dont know if I should tell my wife about my affair. I mean I almost told her once about the affair but then stopped because I could not get myself to do that to her for no fault of hers. She has been good to me till now and my wife does love me more than anything in the world. I do care about her. So I dont know what to do.

Yes, i posted regarding my friend(its more of a friend now than girlfriend) because she still is my best friend.

I think I am in a messy situation which I am making messier by the day. I tried going to a therapist who was recommended to me but as my luck would have it, the therapist isnt taking any new patients. Also I am a little apprehensive about seeing a therapist because I dont really want to share my story with somone else. I dont know. Like I said i think I am screwing up the situation myself.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 8/9/2012 7:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Try not to get in any deeper.  You have probably made a good friend with this person and will always remain friends.  But I think doing things behind your wife's back is making you depressed and anxious.  So maybe you should just lay low for awhile.  It is hard to give up a good friend.  But you might have to determine which is most important to you right now.  I feel bad for your wife, as you have done this behind her back.  But I don't know if I would tell her, you could lose a good marriage.  Take it one day at a time.  Look for another therapist.  They really do help, and everything is confidential.
 
Good luck...
 
Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BnotAfraid
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 8/9/2012 8:15 AM (GMT -6)   
Rahaul
I agree with Karen, somethings are better left unsaid. Telling your wife may destroy a good marriage.

A new therapist may be the key to getting over this hump and healing. Stay strong and work on the marriage. You can do this!
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

rahul131982
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/9/2012 10:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks guys for your replies.

yes, sometimes it feels really bad that I am doing this to my wife. I mean she hasnt done anything wrong and I should have had the guts to do the right thing before I got married to her. But now that I am married, I should do the right thing now and not do anything stupid.

But then sometimes I think what if I wake up 5 or 10 years from now and regret not doing what I want to do? Also I keep thinking what if i tell my wife and what happens after that is not what I wanted.

I agree I should go se a therapist. Let me try to find one where I live. Like i said before I am a bit apprehensive about talking to someone about this.

Caro11
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 8/9/2012 11:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi,

I was feeling the same as you about talking to a therapist but I tried it and I can tell you that she helped me so much! I was all confused like you when I started my therapy and now, I'm not anymore. I know what I want in my life. I stongly recommend it for you, you'll be glad you went!

Take care,
Caroline

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 8/9/2012 12:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Are you sure that you are ready to settle down? It kind of sounds like maybe you aren't. These things that you are afraid that you wouldn't have done, couldn't you share with your wife and do them together? Or are you talking about settling down with one person? I really would schedule an appointment. Sort things out and figure out what you want. It wouldn't be fair to your wife if you didn't. Don't lead her on to something that isn't there. Though I really think you love her, are you happy in this relationship?

Take care, keep posting, maybe it will help you to figure out what you really want in life.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

rahul131982
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/9/2012 10:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen

I am happy with my relationship with my wife. It is just that there are certain things where we arent so compatible in the sense that I would handle a certain situation in a certain way whereas my wife would do it in another way. However with the other girl that doesn't seem to be the case or atleast that what it feels as of now. Maybe its the Grass is greener on the other side syndrome. I am pretty sure even she(the other girl) would also have things that would be different from what I would want.

However the sex with her was amazing whereas with my wife i seem to be having a problem because for my wife sex isnt something very important and also there is disconnect in the sexual compatibilty between us in the sense that she could go for days without doing anything where as I would like to have it more often. I have tried speaking to her about this but when I try to speak to my wife about this, she tends to take it negatively as if I am trying to criticise her.

Sometimes I dont know what to do. Apart from the social stigma attached to getting a divorce, I also dont really want to get a divorce. Its not that I have a bad life or bad marriage. It is pretty good and comfortable and I do want to save my marriage. It is just that I am confused as to what I should do.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 8/10/2012 6:16 AM (GMT -6)   
How old is your wife. Women generally get a high sex drive in their 30's. That is what happened to me anyway. I hope you can work things out. Be patient.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

rahul131982
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/11/2012 3:37 AM (GMT -6)   
We both are 30 years old. Yesterday I just had a fight with her because I wanted to go out and she just wanted to stay home. I mean please tell me if I was wrong in asking to go for a drive for maybe half hour or so. I would understand if she is was working, had a 9-6 job and was swamped with work. She stays at home, works from home if required (she has a part time job) and takes care of things at home. It is small things like this that are ticking me off these days. I am planning to go meet a therapist next week. Hopefully that should help.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 8/11/2012 6:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Just because she didn't want to go for a ride with you is no reason for a fight. Don;t let that happen. I am glad that you are meeting with a therapist. That should help.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 8/11/2012 3:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Let us know how the appointment goes...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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