So sorry for your loss.
You sound very depressed. It is a good idea for you find someone you trust to talk to. A guidance councelor, a teacher, coach, guardian. Any adult that will listen to you.
If you have a family doctor or GYN that your trust you could make an appointment and talk to them. It does sound like you need some antidepressants and some talk therapy.
Old wounds CAN heal. I am in the middle of healing from some nasty old wounds myself, so I know.
I understand that you have trust issues, that happens when you are bullied, however, to get out of this oppressive dark place you are in you need to be proactive for yourself and reach out, if not to someone to you know at least to a crisis line so they can put you in touch with a therapist resource.
Keep posting here we all care and will listen, that is all we can do though. I think you need a little more right now. Please let us know how you are doing and what steps you take to climb out of your funk.
Be still and know there is Peace.
Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;