Since you insist on being a ponderer, I highly suggest you go to the library and get this book to read.
LIVING BUDDHA, LIVING CHRIST, by Thich Nhat Hanh.
It is an amazing read on mindfulness, the similarities of the two religions and about pondering God.
You can find copies on the internet for sale inexpensively also.
Display, you are in control of you if you drive or not! Be proactive, pondering is ok, if YOU take the next step and look for the answers to your questions.
Starting a journal could be a wonderful start to fabulous outlet!
Be still and know there is Peace.
Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;