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DogGirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 8/26/2012 1:58 PM (GMT -6)   
I am feeling really down right now and my life feels like it's becoming too much and it's kind of down to my parents. My whole life they have pushed me to work my hardest and I know I disappointed my dad when I did not complete my a-levels and went for a course I wanted to do for years. I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough, I travel 2 hours a day now to my new job after completing my course with the highest marks, this involves me getting up at half past 4 in the morning and me getting home at 7 o'clock at night. When I even say I'm tired my dad launches in to a lecture on how tired and stressed out he is working a job he hates. Yet I'm the first one up and the last one home. My dad thinks if he supports me financially then he's supporting me, and while I appreciate the money and everything he helps with, I also would enjoy a bit of emotional support. I cry all the time near enough, I never want to come home, I can't face nights in alone with my parents, it's my worse nightmare. I feel lonely and like everything I do is never good enough and I wish they would just lay off and give me room to breath. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now, we're beginning to plan a future. The thing about us is though, he lost his dad 2 years ago and is still grieving, I am suffocated by my parents - we support each other. He's not just my boyfriend he's my best friend. I tell him everything, we discuss how each others days went, we spend all our time together. We don't consider this a bad thing though. My dad feels like this is 'too much' for us and we should consider taking breaks from one another because it is 'unhealthy'. Recently, due to my job we have been forced to spend more time at my house because I knew that I wanted to see him but also that I had to get up for work early in the morning, I thought that I was being sensible. I do understand that this has impacted on my family but we do buy and cook our own meals and we do try to give my family space by sitting in another room. My parents then feel like we should not spend this much time together. I'm 19 years old, dating a guy for 2 and a half years, we're not engaged, moved in together, having sleepovers - I am kind of failing to see their issue. I kind of feel like I should be allowed to decide when I see my boyfriend and when I don't. My mum never really sticks up for me and I wish she would. I know my dad is probably worried about the consequences of us seeing each other all the time but in reality I'm so fed up I'm tempted to leave home. I hate living here because it's so controlling, I cannot even find love and happiness without it being an issue.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 8/26/2012 2:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Can you support yourself or could you and your boyfriend move in an appartment together? I think it would do you good to get out from under your father's control. If you can get by without his money, that would be great. He probably feels he has control since he is giving you money. Maybe it is time to leave the nest.

I hope that things get better for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7391
   Posted 8/26/2012 2:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Doggirl,

Welcome to our wonderful site!
At nineteen, I was out on my own.

I think is would be a good idea to consider, finding a place to live closer to work, possibly with your boyfriend to help on costs.

You will have to be realistic on expenses and not expect Dad to help but it would worth it! Freedom is glorerious!

Stay strong
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

DogGirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 8/26/2012 2:27 PM (GMT -6)   
I would love to move out because I am so unhappy but I have no guarantee about my job security and I would hate to move out and have to come back. It would be held against me and he would forever laugh about it. Also I dont know if my boyfriend would feel ready for they much pressure yet and I would hate to risk our relationship over it.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7391
   Posted 8/26/2012 2:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Are you on a 90 day probationary period at work? What kind of security on the job are you talking about? Life is about taking risks sometimes.

As for your boyfriend, I would not forecast, I would have an honest discussion then decide. Just because you discuss the situation, does not mean it has to happen. :-)
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

DogGirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 8/26/2012 2:51 PM (GMT -6)   
I am on a contact until the end of September which could be extended but realisiticly depends on the company. I have heard nothing but positive things but I haven't passed my driving test yet so trying to fund a home and a car may be hard. I am quite close to my younger sister who is 10 and I know my parents suffocate her too and are too hard on her. I would feel quite guilty abandoning her to deal with it alone especially if I moved away and couldn't drive.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7391
   Posted 8/26/2012 3:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Ok, so the best positive advice I can give you is to have a set of small goals.

I. E. Past drivers test, Sept settle contract, etc...

I would not stay home just for your sister. If you get out you can become stronger and healthier for you and her. Once you have a car you can take her for weekends and when school is out if you want, I am sure you could work something out with your folks in the future.

One step at a time though. If you have the goals, the present will not look so bleak. In the meantime, try breathing skills, yoga or mindfulness to stay present and calm as much as possible.

Stay strong and keep posting here, we listen and it is a great way to vent!
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

DogGirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 8/26/2012 3:20 PM (GMT -6)   
I do have some goals but they dont come quickly. Thank you all for your kind messages and support.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 8/26/2012 4:04 PM (GMT -6)   
DogGirl,

You may want to set smaller goals that are acheivable. Then go for the bigger goals in the long haul. If you aren't happy living with your parents, the only thing you can really do is move out. How do you get back and forth to work now? You can't worry about failing and being laughed at. If that is your fear, you will never try anything. I moved out at 18. Never really looked back. But I had issues at home. I was so happy that I moved out as I was able to do my own thing and have my own life. Living under somebody elses reign is no fun. You have to be your own person and keep moving on. Nothing ventured, nothing gained..

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7391
   Posted 8/26/2012 4:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Could not have said it any better that Karen did!
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

DogGirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 8/26/2012 5:07 PM (GMT -6)   
To answer Karen's question I currently travel to work by bus. I suppose I have set myself goals varying in size but due to lack of support they are harder to achieve. I suppose my fear is if I tell my parents I'm leaving they will be angry and they'll have a lot of negative things to say and if I do fail I may not have anywhere to return to, and also I have some self esteem issues so if I fail it may be hard to convince myself to try again. It probably would not be a case of me saying to my parents I'm moving out, I'd probably have to ask for permission and if they denied it then I don't know if I would have a relationship with them any longer. I also worry that if I move out and my boyfriend cannot cope with the pressure then I may loose him anyway and if we fail and do stay together, he would be difficult to persuade again.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 8/26/2012 5:28 PM (GMT -6)   
These are the risks that we take in life. Say your parents say no till you are 30. You would resent that. Once you turn 18, you are allowed to leave. You can't live life thinking all or nothing. If you make a mistake, you learn from it. We all make mistakes in life. It isn't the end of the world at all. It is a part of learning. Say you move out and have to move back, so what??? That is okay too. At least you tried. You have to try, and learn from mistakes. Everybody does it. It is all up to you. We can't tell you what to do and not what to do. You have to learn by yourself. We can tell you our experiences and how it effected us. But it is still up to you to make the decisions. Whatever you decide, you are going to learn something from it. You might not realize it right away, but you will learn.

One day at a time...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

DogGirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 8/27/2012 1:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for your messages I am going to have a good think about my next steps and my future goals.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 8/27/2012 6:03 AM (GMT -6)   
Wishing you the best...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4483
   Posted 8/27/2012 7:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi DogGirl,

Your story reminds me of myself...

I did not complete my A Levels as well. I only did one year and then i dropped out of school. I went on to start work. I know how you must feel since my parents was not happy that I did not complete my school. While working, I completed some courses. My parents would of rather if I completed the A Levels and attended university and then starting to work.
My father was not the type to provide emotional support for his children. He was verbally abusive. This is part of the reason why I dropped out of school and starting working. I thought that if I started working, it would give me some freedom. However, it did not.
I know it's very hard when you don't have support at home. It really hurts sometimes. What made things worst from me is my parents didn't like my boyfriend.

I know that sometimes leaving your parents home may not be an option because they have certain beliefs and they may get angry, etc. This was my situation, so I stayed. I cried many night and I still do.

Starting to work turned out good for me. Within a year, I was promoted to a position I was not even qualified for. It's been three years still and I'm still working here. The distance is a little far from home though, so I also have to leave home very early in the morning and I reach home in the dark.
However, although getting promoted, things are still not good at home, and with the stress at work plus home problems, it can be really overwhelming sometimes.
My parents was happy with my promotion but then eventually they started seeing negatives like it's too far, too much hours, etc.

I started getting counseling the end of last year. It did not help me at first but my therapist is very patient and understanding. It's only a month ago I started seeing improvements. We started art therapy which seems to be helping. This helps me to cope with things at home and at work.

Hang in there. I always say there's a reason things happens. My dad is ill now and he can't work anymore. He's back and forth at the hospital. Luckily, I'm working so I can help support home. Whatever decisions we make, whether good or bad, they happen for a reason and we learn from them.

I hope things get better for you. Please know that we're here for you.

Take Care

UA

DogGirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 8/31/2012 4:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you very much for sharing UA your story it was nice to see I am not the only one. Sometimes I feel awful for feeling so negative towards my parents and I feel really guilty. It is quite hard for me to see a future relationship with them. I should possibly mention that I have had to stop going to therapy due to my crazy work schedule - I never know what days I am working from one day to the next. What is art therapy exactly I have never heard of it and I have been going to therapy on and off for about 4 years and I never feel like I am making any progress.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 8/31/2012 4:11 PM (GMT -6)   
You should keep your appointments with therapy and if you have to work, then cancel them. Will they let you do that? Some places want 24 hour notice. But if you talk with your therapist, I am sure they will understand. Did you talk to them about it? Therapy is so important.

Art therapy sounds cool. If you didn't feel like you were making any progress, maybe you needed a different therapist. You are constantly learning and growing. Therapy should flow along too.

I hope that you feel better soon. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4483
   Posted 8/31/2012 5:59 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm not sure the exact definition of art therapy but basically it's using art to assist in improving your mental health. It combines techniques from psychotherapy together with creative techniques to help with resolving problems such as stress, trauma, behavior, self-esteem and even it helps with depression, BPD, etc. Art therapy can be drawing, colouring, making crafts, sculptures, making collages, etc.

I basically colour and draw. I tried craft once but didn't like it so I stick to colouring things and drawing. However, we draw things to express our self, how we are feeling, what is currently happening in your life, what you want (goals), etc. It can be both positive or negative.

Karen is right. You should keep your appointments with your therapist. I had stopped therapy for 4 months and it really threw me back. Presently I go on and off because of my work schedule as well. I've had to cancel a few times but I try to go at least once a month. If you don't feel like you're making progress, you should try a different therapist.

Please keep us updated and let us know how you're feeling.

Take Care

UA
Chronic Pain, Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.

DogGirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 9/2/2012 5:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you both for your support I will look in to changing therapists and see how this works out for me.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7391
   Posted 9/2/2012 10:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Dog Girl,

May I suggest that you speak to you last therapist first. If you had a sound relationship with your previous therapist and the only issue was "no progess" It might be a good idea to talk to this therapist about it.

Better than starting all over again, the therapist may have ideas on other avenues like art therapy; CBT; DBT; mindfulness; Focusing; etc... to try.

Just a thought.

Stay strong

Trina
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;
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