Depressed fiance.

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sunny1341
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/29/2012 8:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello everyone. This is my first post on one of these type of forums. To tell you a little bit, I have been with my fiance for over 10 years (we started dating in high school). Every now and then, he might become depressed but it never really affected his lifestyle. Most recently, he took a turn for the worst. His job was becoming overwhelming in the fact that himself and coworkers were being belittled by their superiors. This made him not want to go to work and just stay home and sleep. The first day I caught him not going to work, I was furious. I had no idea why he called out or what he was going through. He would not speak to me at all and I wanted to end the relationship right then and there. After a day or two of not seeing each other and being angry at him it calmed down. But, I still was not seeing him very often (previous to this we saw each other basically every day). Things got better on Monday and I was able to see him for an hour or two. When I first saw him, he looked miserable, but I was finally able to open him up and he seemed pretty normal to me. The next day he had a great day at work until the last 5 minutes of his shift. He was let go from his job (due to calling out sick previously). This made things worse again. I spoke to him about his job loss... there were tears in his eyes and I knew that he was upset and afraid of how I would react. He told me I should just leave him because he can't do anything right. I told him it was okay and that I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't going to leave him because of this. I couldn't possibly understand what he was going through or had been going through so I reassured him that I was there. Earlier that evening he did not want to see me again. I felt hurt, upset, and didn't know where to turn. I was up all night looking at forums online to see what I could do. I felt better as I read about other people in similar situations. I love my fiance more than anything. He is my best friend and couldn't imagine my life without him. This to me is just a hurdle that we need to get past to make our relationship stronger. My only fear is that he will only get worse and essential we will no longer be together. I don't want this to happen an while I don't see him (all he wants to do is sleep), I text him during the day and tell him I love him and if he needs anything I am here for him. I also try to tell him funny things that happen to get his mind off of things. It's just very difficult because I miss him so much. He did mention to me today that he was sorry and he know that it was hurting me, but that he was in a bad place right now. I guess I felt better knowing that he wasn't trying to do it on purpose. I feel very positive and am trying to do what's best for him and us. My whole reason for writing this post was because even with me being so positive, I have no one to turn to. My family thinks he is just being lazy and that I shouldn't be with him. They don't understand what it is like for a person to be depressed. I tried to explain it to my sister and she just gave me an attitude about it. Tonight I started to cry, not because of my fiance and his depression, but for my family's lack of support for me and what I am going through. I can't talk to them about this because they won't try to understand. They have it in their mind that he is a lazy person who doesn't want to work and that is why he got fired. I hate that they think this way because I know he tries hard to do what's best for us.

I thank you all who are out there reading my post. I just needed some way to vent since I have nowhere else to turn. The whole situation is making me very drained and exhausted. I need a me day to just get away from all of this stress... Maybe I will take a beach day this weekend. I just need to reenergize, especially before school starts (I teach).

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 8/29/2012 8:30 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you are handling this really well and I believe things are going to get better for both of you. He will find another job, but in the meantime, do you think you could get him to go to counseling? It sounds like his self esteme needs to be boosted. Only he can do this for himself. But you can be there for him as you are now. Maybe the two of you could take a walk together. Walking does make you feel better. Both physically and mentally. Meditation and mindfulness helps too. Keep on doing what you are doing. Know that we are all here for you. This is a place you can come for you. Also counseling wouldn't hurt you either, it may help you deal with his situation.

Take care and keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

PS Welcome to the forum...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 8/30/2012 9:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Sunny,

You certainly came to the right place to vent, we care here and listen.

You are doing all you can for your fiance. It sounds like he needs to see a doctor, even if it is just his family doc to talk about his depression and possibly get on some meds.

therapy for him might not be a bad idea either, it would show him that he is not the only one out there that feels the way he does.

If you can keep him talking to you that is a good thing, try to get him to see a doc. I agree with Karen that if you could get him out and walking that would be a very good start.

If you educate yourself on mindfulness or meditation, leaving papers laying around or talking to him about it, it may help him. It would help you with the stress level you are experiencing.

Keep posting here, everyone cares.

Stay strong.

Trina
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

sunny1341
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/30/2012 1:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your support. I tried texting him today. His thinking is cloudy, fuzzy, and hazy. All he wants to do is sleep. He told me that what is important right now is finding out what will make him well. He also said that I have been very supportive but he is convinced he can't make me happy and with his depressive state, he doesn't even want to try. I told him how much he does make me happy and how i look at all the photographs from the past and how happy it makes me feel. I told him I smile because its obvious that he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me or make me sad.

I don't know what else to do or say. I can't visit him because he will become more annoyed with me. So getting him to go for a walk is out of the question. He complained that it was too hot outside before I could even try. I don't know that he will see a doctor, since he has no health insurance. I am just at a loss as to what else to do. Part of me cannot deal with the pain of this anymore, I just want him to be happy so we can be together. I know it also takes time. I am trying so hard not to say anything to upset him... but I am so sad, angry, and upset.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 8/30/2012 3:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Hang in there Sunny,

there are other choices. Most counties or boroughs have free services for counciling or at least support groups for depression.

At best you could attend a support group for assistance and possibly get him to go.

I would start by searching for support groups on the internet, close to where you live, see who is running it. Then if that doesn't help you could always call a local crisis line to get hooked up with the free services.

At least you would be gathering information for the future and be prepared if he changes his mind and you are being proactive.

Stay strong.
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 8/30/2012 3:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sunny,

It is so hard when the other person shoots down suggestions. But that is about all that you can do. I think Trina has given you some good advice. Just make sure you take care of you too during this difficult time. The stronger you are, the better for him. I really hope that things work out. But he is going to have to try. There are programs that can help you. I hope he gets some incentive to give it a go. Best wishes to you. Don't forget about you...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

sunny1341
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/30/2012 5:24 PM (GMT -6)   
It is frustrating. Today he told me he needed to see his Dr. I think he still has a month left for his insurance. I hope he actually makes the call. What helps the most is when he texts me through the day about random things. Like he mentions that he needs to clean or that the a.c. Is up too high but helps him breathe. It lets me know that he still wants to be in contact with me and I am not being ignored. I am hoping for the best and being as supportive as possible, yet giving him the space he needs right now. My parents don't understand, but I have come to realize its not their life, not their decision.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 8/30/2012 6:45 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like he is depressed and it sounds like you are there for him. That is good. Keep up the fantastic work. It isn't easy. I am sorry that your parents don't understand. Maybe you could educate them somehow. I hope your day was a good one.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

sunny1341
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/31/2012 11:47 AM (GMT -6)   
::Update::

Feeling miserable myself. I am at a loss of what to do anymore. I sent him a text this morning saying good morning hope you are feeling better. Got no response.... about two hours later I try texting him again saying Haven't heard from you yet this morning, how are you feeling? Still no response. The worst part is I know he is texting other people (we share a phone plan so I can see this stuff). It kind of hurts to know he is talking to others but ignoring me. I am starting to think I am the one that makes him depressed and this is his way of getting rid of me (by ignoring me). Should I just give up? Should I keep trying? Is it worth it anymore. I mean, I love him and care about him. I can't imagine my life without him. But, I just keep thinking about how hard I am trying and getting myself all worked up about it and he could ultimately end up not wanting to be with me.

Any advice?

ExProud
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 8/31/2012 12:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Maybe I can offer some insight - I have been badly depressed like your fiancee and one of the things it caused me to feel was unworthy of my relationship with my wife. I was very down on myself and felt like my troubles would be a burden to her and i didn't want to drag her into my problems. But more than that, in my depressed state, I couldn't understand why she ever wanted anything to do with me. I could not see any joy I might have brought her, I could only recall things I'd done wrong, and times that I'd failed her, or been unkind to her in some way. 
 
I know she struggled with the situation much like you are, and I think the way she handled it was ideal - in a very subtle way, she just made sure I somehow knew she was there. Her presence meant a lot even though it probably didn't seem like it to her. She didn't try to get me to open up to her or make a lot of suggestions. Eventually I got to a point where I wanted to talk to her about everything and it was a very powerful, emotional and memorable time for both of us.
 
I believe you can get through this, keep the faith!

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 8/31/2012 12:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Sunny.

Take to heart what exproud has shared with you. Even though you two are not married, it does not mean this is the end.

In this time of struggle, take care of your self, educate yourself on meditation and mindfulness it will help you center yourself. You will become strong for when he does some come back to you.

Try not to argue with your parents over him, no one will win that fight. Just have to wait it out.

Stay strong.
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;
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