I need advice about my father

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Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 9/10/2012 10:06 AM (GMT -6)   
32 years ago my mother died. My (now 66 year old) father and mother loved each other so much that when she died, he has never been the same. He never remarried though he did date on occasion. He also turned to alcohol to bury his pain. He is now retired and living with my grandmother (his mother).

After he retired he has gone downhill fast. I think he is depressed but I don't know how to help him. He is a very stubborn man! He still drinks but now he no longer cares for his oral hygiene. He smells so bad that it's hard to be near him, he wears pants that are shiny with dirt and has holes in them, he wears holey shirts as well, his hair is so unkempt that he has mats in his hair, his beard is down to his chest. He lays in his bed almost all day and only ventures out to use the restroom, occasionally to go to the store or to eat. He's also a hoarder, in his room only. When he goes to the store, he literally spends $2,000 on lottery tickets.

He has some health issues including back pain - which I think he would benefit from physical therapy because lying down all the time has withered his muscles, but he ignores me when I suggest it. He also has atrial fibrillation and takes medication for it.

I have two older brothers but they are not much help and I feel like this has been landed on my shoulders alone. I want to help my dad but I don't see how! Does anyone have advice for me?
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 9/10/2012 1:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sherry,

The best thing you could do is get him to go to some counseling. But that may prove to be difficult. It is so hard to watch people we love deteriorate. And to let themselves go. The problem is, you can't do it for them, they have to do this for themselves. I would harp on some counseling. But that is me. He may get resentful even when you bring it up. He probably doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. Though I am sure in the back of his mind he knows... I am sorry you are in this situation. It is so hard to watch. Suggest counseling, or ask him over to dinner, maybe he will clean up. Can you force him into some social situations that would cause him to take a shower and comb his hair?

Others will be on with suggestions I am sure. He really does need counseling, possibly antidepressants.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7438
   Posted 9/10/2012 2:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sherry,

I use to work with geriatrics and you could call APS [ adult protective services] although when they come and health codes are found broken it can get expensive
and ugly since you father is resistant to help.

Hoarders are VERY hard to deal with, you may be able to get a county counselor to come out and talk to your father, depending on where you live.

One more suggestion if I may, if your father respects fireman or military, try to get someone in uniform to come and talk to him. Fireman, usually will come with no problem due to the fire hazard in the house.

Best of luck to you
Stay strong

Trina
Moderator
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 9/10/2012 3:28 PM (GMT -6)   
If I was to call APS, would my father know it was me who contacted them? I was thinking of that actually but my father trusts very few people. My grandmother is 90 years old (not in good health herself) so me and my daughter go over there every 2 weeks to clean because my dad will allow no one else to enter the home. If he knew it was me, I feel he would feel as if it was a betrayal.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7438
   Posted 9/10/2012 4:20 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't know for sure, however I would think that for the good of your father and grandmother, perhaps the would say it was a concerned neighbor.
You would have to talk to them to find out.

Calling APS for information does not mean they will show up. They are there to help you, not make it worse.

I feel your pain wish more help could be given.

Trina
Moderator
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 9/10/2012 4:28 PM (GMT -6)   
I think I will start out by writing him a letter. Not only is he an hour away from me, but I have a hard time myself with face to face confrontation. I also have depression and GAD. If he doesn't do something to help himself, then perhaps I will call APS.

Btw, Karen those are good suggestions but unfortunately he has no desire to be at public functions anymore. He doesn't drive anymore either. He lost his van due to repossession (he has the money to pay, he just didn't), so he takes a cab to go places now about once a week. I can't even remember the last time he has been at my house :(
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7438
   Posted 9/10/2012 4:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Sherry,

Just remember, your Dad is only 66. That is very young these days. He has his rights and as long as your grandmother is not in danger there is not much that can be done.

Do continue to take care of yourself you can not control what you Dad does.

Stay Strong
Trina
Moderator
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 9/10/2012 6:32 PM (GMT -6)   
I know I can't control what my dad does, but I want to help him. He has never been this bad. In the past, he would at least make an effort to clean himself up when we came over but it seems like he just gave up. He's still the same guy or so it seems, he laughs, talks to me, shows me his love - which is more than he has ever did in the past (he literally ignored me in my teen years - left me to my own devices).

Actually I do worry about my Gma. There has been at least 3 different occasions where he fell in his room. His room is not very big to begin with, there is literally only a small 6" space to walk from his bed to the door because of all the junk he has in there. One time he fell, laid on his floor for 2 DAYS before he allowed my Gma to call an ambulance for him. The paramedics could hardly even get into his room to extract him. My Gma is dealing with the stress of him there and I know it can't be good on her to be exposed to a health risk his room presents. She has called me on so many occasions; I don't know what it is that she expects me to do.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7438
   Posted 9/10/2012 7:06 PM (GMT -6)   
So sorry to hear that it is that bad.

Best of luck with the letter and possibly APS

Keep posting at least for your support! We are hear for you!
Moderator
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 9/10/2012 9:41 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry to hear this too. I am here for you too and all the others are. It might be time for somebody to step in and change the situation or to just check in on them to make sure that they are alright. Your father probably isnt going to want help, but he will get use to it. They could even get meals on wheels probably. You do need something to lighten the burden for you. Don't give up, we will think of something. And even if he finds out you had something to do with it and gets angry, he will soon come to realize that you were right all along. You are doing this for his own good.

I am hoping that things work out.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

vestabula
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2859
   Posted 9/11/2012 8:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sherry...so sorry about your situation.  It's so hard to know what to do.  My FIL was a hoarder and as he aged, he became so unkempt we could not sit in the room with him.  Finally, my MIL called the insurance company that insured their house and had them pay a visit.  They told him if he didn't clean up the hoard they would cancel his insurance policy, as the  'piles' were a fire hazzard and dangerous for those who lived in the house.  They then told him that no other insurance company would insure such a 'mess'.  He listened, and eventually cleared out most of it.  She then called APS and they visited...ended up having a home health care worker come twice a week to make sure he was taking a bath.  This was covered by Medicare.  They talked to him like he was a child...told him all the diseases he could get from wallowing in his own filth...whatever.  This worked to some degree, as he was eventually told he would be put in a nursing home.  Don't know if that was true, however...I think it was a scare tactic.  But it worked, and that's the bottom line.
 
Sometimes you gotta get tough...it's sad.
 
Donna

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7438
   Posted 9/11/2012 11:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Donna,

thank you so much for your input. The insurance company is a brillant idea!

Yes, the threat of the nursing home is a real one. APS can have a person declared unfit to care for themselves.

Sherry I hope this gives you some ammunition to go forward.

Trina
Moderator
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 9/11/2012 3:39 PM (GMT -6)   
That may not be necessary. I just got off the phone with my Gma; she had to call 911 again. My father fell in his room and was taken away by ambulance. He had extreme weakness in his arms and legs - my Gma is fearing a stroke but I will know more tomorrow. I am picking her up and going to the hospital to see him.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 9/11/2012 4:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry to hear this Sherry, but this could be a blessing in disguise. Maybe this will get him started on the road to wellness. Take care sweetie, and keep us posted.

Know that we are all thinking of you...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 9/11/2012 4:23 PM (GMT -6)   
I think when I go see him, I am going to talk to a patient advocate or social welfare at the hospital. See if they will know how we should proceed. This can't keep going on like this. My Gma was in tears when I talked to her.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7438
   Posted 9/12/2012 9:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Very Good idea Sherry,

Social workers at the hospital can do wonders for families in these situation. This could be the answer to the prayers you have been saying.

Please continue to post and let us know how you are. We do care here and will support you. Remember to take care of yourself, that is so important in times like this.

Stay strong and God Bless you.

Trina
Moderator
Be still and know there is Peace.

Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 9/13/2012 8:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Update on my father: He's still in the hospital. He fell because his b/p dropped as well as his blood sugar, but they are having a hard time regulating his heartbeat - it's too rapid. He's going for more testing.

A social worker ended up calling my grandma about him. I talked to her today but she gets her facts mixed up on occasion (afterall she is 90). So I will have to find out more tomorrow.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 9/14/2012 6:32 AM (GMT -6)   
I hope that they can get your father's heart rate regulated. I hope he will be okay. Is your grandmother okay by herself?

I do believe this was a blessing in disguise. I think things are going to work out now.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Red_34
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23551
   Posted 9/14/2012 7:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks everyone for your help and guidance....it is so greatly appreciated!

Karen, she should be okay on her own. But I've been calling her at various time thru the day to make sure.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular
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