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Friend has a new boyfriend, and I don't want to call her tonight..am I a bad friend?

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Posted 5/20/2005 2:41 PM (GMT -8)
I feel awful because my friend called and left a message on my answering machine about her new guy and that she wants to tell me all about her date with him the other night.  I don't feel like dealing with it, and probably will not call her.  I know I should be happy for her..and am..but at the same time..feeling sorry for myself and my own lack of any excitement or dating prospects. I try to date..to no avail.  It gets tougher the older I get.  I know I would feel worse if I were to call her and hear all the happiness and excitement, while I am just feeling so lousy tonight.

Just feeling a bit sorry for myself..and stuck in a rut for the past few days.  Tired of seeing good things happen to other people, while I continue to feel stuck in a rut and spinning my wheels.  Normally I am a strong person who is for the most part upbeat and always there for others and from what they tell me, give very wise advice and caring and compassionate support.  But tonight, I just don't want to hear about her new guy and her wonderful life.  Am I awful??

I was told today, that our company is flat lined and the company has been struggling for a long time, and that they may go under.  They have tried to make these wonderful changes with the company and redesign the products, but even with all the changes, they are at the same place they were at last year financially.  I know it is tough for any company in retail right now.  I have seen about 6 layoffs since I have been at this company and have been there a little over two years.  Have been trying to find another job to no avail..so I am thinking I will probably end up going "down" with the company and collecting unemployment for awhile.  So here I am..at a dead end job..dead end company (or so it seems)..66,000 miles on my car, and althought it is very well maintained and washed..the check engine light has come on once again.  Now, I have to spend money I don't have to get it fixed.  I am seeing co-workers and friends buying new cars, yet I can't afford one or make the monthly payments, even on a slightly used model.  If it were not for SAM-e, I would be feeling so down right now, and having thoughts of suicide.  Right now, I just feel discouraged, but not the extreme lows I had before.  This too shall pass and have to keep reminding myself of that.  Even 10 years from now..if I feel still stuck in a rut, have to remind myself of my blessings, that I have good friends, a nice apartment, college education, two wonderful cats, good health, and a great dad and very supportive people on here. Thanks for listening. 

Posted 5/20/2005 2:50 PM (GMT -8)
Hugs for you Rianna,

Be carefull that you don't burn bridges with your friend by being less than happy for her right now. Even if you must pretend the happiness. Maybe you could call her and listen to her story about the new guy and if the conversation turns to you, you could tell her that you have been feeling like a doom magnet. She may be just the one to encourage you right now.

Blessings!
Posted 5/20/2005 3:05 PM (GMT -8)
Thanks AlwaysRosie for the wise advice. I feel every time we talk, it is mostly about her..but I will as always..try to listen to her and all the good things happening. Maybe I will call her over the weekend when I am feeling a bit better and stronger. Have a good evening. I think I am going to to take a bubblebath, cuddle with my cats, and try to count blessings and tell myself to stop this pity party and nonsense.
Posted 5/20/2005 4:58 PM (GMT -8)

Rianna -

I understand how you feel - sometimes, when I'm feeling 'down', it's like you know that you need a 'recharge' of your emotional batteries before you can handle the problems, or even the successes of friends.  You just feel drained, and want to shut down.

On the other hand - you know that you NEED your friends - and that it takes BEING a friend, to have a friend be there when you need them.

When I run into that kind of situation, I know I need to call my friend -but I also know that the call will probably push me into overload - so I set up a 'backup' plan. I'll set a timer, ring the ringer on my cell phone, ring my own doorbell, or tell my son to come and get me - I'll create some reason to "interrupt" the call - so that I limit my time on the phone. 

I've still acknowledged my friend's need for support, and I have protected myself from becoming even more "down". I WILL call her back for a long discussion at another time when I'm feeling better - but this way, nobody gets ignored or hurt.

You might try this with your friend - it will acknowledge her happiness, while limiting your exposure to it and might save your friendship.

laura

Posted 5/20/2005 5:28 PM (GMT -8)
Riana . . . sounds like a good plan. Enjoy your bubble bath.

Laura . . . that's a great idea too. Sometimes I just tell the other person that I have only 15 minutes.

Keep us posted Raina!!
Posted 5/21/2005 7:41 AM (GMT -8)
smurf  Sometimes things are not the way we want to see them and I can understand that. We can be so depressed and we can hear friends or family say how happy they are and that they got a raise or a promotion or whatever, and even though we smile, we feel bad inside. It's called "PRIDE". Unfortunately, we all have it. It is a normal feeling and sometimes it can get the better of us. If we didn't have it, then I would have to say that we were not normal. I'm sure if you were content and happy in your life, then this wouldn't even bother you, however,  since things aren't going well for you with now, it hurts you more than anything. I just posted to another new member about "friends" and they're true meaning and maybe you should read it. It may make some sense to you. It is human nature for us to feel jealous or hurt at someone elses good fortune especially if we aren't happy in our lives. That is totally understandable. However, are we being a good friend when we feel that way? No, we aren't. It is very hard for us to be jubilent when good fortune is coming to all but you, or so you think. Everyone deserves to be happy, and if your friend has found happiness, then you should show joy for her and who knows, happiness may dome to you too. One thing is that I turn to the Lord for everything. He is the one constant in my life. He will never leave me, fail me, falter me, turn His back on me nor will H condem me. He died for me and for all those who believe so I don't have any sins to suffer for. All I have to do is call on Him and pray and give my problems to Him and never take them back. I don't know if you have a higher power or if the Lord is in your life, but one thing's for sure. I couldn't live without Him. Without Him I am nothing. I will pray for things to get better in your live!

 

"Lefty"

Posted 5/21/2005 9:47 AM (GMT -8)
Thanks Lefty, Dognut, AlwaysRosie for your terrific replies. Dognut, how do I set up my cell phone for the ringer, that you were talking about. I thought to make it ring..someone has to call you? Maybe there is a trick I don't know about. That is a really good idea. I did talk to my friend last night and tried to sound happy for her. She was very supportive in return and we had a nice long talk. She also bought a new car, and said in the long run..it did not make her feel better..so I was able to empathize with her. At the end though..it all got to be too much..and I told her my cell phone was going off, and that I was waiting for an important call. Sometimes I just get frustrated and want to throw my hands up and scream.."when will it be my turn!!!" Thanks again everyone.
Posted 5/21/2005 1:36 PM (GMT -8)
Hi Rianna, I feel ya on the dead end job thing. I hate my job and my boss is an idiot. It can be depressing when you dont like your job or its not going the way you would like. But what I'm tryin to do right now is figure out what the next step is just for peace of mind even if its not an official step up the career ladder. Sometimes in a weird way, it helps me to go on the online job sites and take a look at whats open and to see what options are out there. Sometimes you just need a change. Hang in there things will get better.
Posted 5/21/2005 2:15 PM (GMT -8)
Rianna -

different phones work differently - but on my phone, there's a menu where I can go to change the rings - (to chose a new ring for calls?) and you play any 'ring', so you can hear what it sounds like. So all I do is go to that menu and chose a ringer and play it - since I'm on my home phone - the person on the other end can't SEE what I'm doing anyway - they only hear the ringer go off in the background..

My phone also has a clock in it with an alarm and a timer - that will play any one of the 'ring' choices - so if i wanted to, I could set that to go off at a specific time.

Because I AM ADD - I use timers, alarms and my PDA all the time - When I'm working, I set the timer on my watch when I go to lunch - otherwise i would get distracted and come back from lunch late and get in trouble. I use timers for all sorts of 'reminders' to jar me out of the 'daydream state' I can often fall into.

One job I had with a Real estate title company, part of my job was to collect all the checks from all the closings each day, tally them up and get them deposited in the bank by 3 pm each day. It was a job that was rotated thru our dept every month. It wasn't hard to do at all - but I would always get involved in something else, and not start collecting the checks on time and miss the 3pm deadline - meaning we lost a day of interest on hundreds of thousands of dollars! ( that tended to annoy my employer!) I started setting my watch alarm for every day at 2 pm to warn me to go pick up the checks then - giving me plenty of time to complete the deposit slip and run to the bank, even if the tally didn't balance, I had time to work it out. It worked so well, that everyone else in my dept started to depend on MY WATCH ALARM when it was their turn to do the banking!

That's what I mean about some of the ADD behavioral 'technics' that might help lots of people who don't have ADD or don't want to do medication - there's a whole bunch of tips and things that can help even 'normal' people.

There's a good, and FUN book out Called; 'Survival Tips' for Women with AD/HD (Beyond Piles, Palms and Post-its) by Terry Matlen, MSW - and it's not just for those with ADD.

She collected many, many real-life tips ( including how to manage this kind of 'sensory overload') from women all over the world (including me!) on how THEY dealt with the living problems that constantly trip us up - because we just weren't 'wired' to be 'superwoman'. These tips are great for anyone who is dealing with any kind of problem, really, that interferes with daily life - because so much is expected of women today. We're supposed to be able to effortlessly 'juggle' home, work, kids, families, - the truth is, most of us CAN'T 'do it all' without some kind of assistance.

Check it out at your local library - if it doesn't give you at least SOME usefull ideas, at the very least, you will know that you are not alone in the way your life is!!

laura
Posted 5/22/2005 6:37 PM (GMT -8)

Rianna

I completely understand where you are coming from.  I may very well be in the same position as you are job wise.  I work for a company that has a bunch of branches.  First they closed down our claims department and sent all our work to another branch.  I work clerical and I supported the claims dept.  Well after they were gone I was moved over to the commercial lines side.  Well, they are talking about going totally online at some future date, possibly by the end of the year.  That would eliminate everything I do.  I too know people who are getting newer cars and I cant afford one.  Mine is a 1997 and has problems with oil that they said they would have to take the engine apart to the tune of like 4K so I just have to keep putting oil in it. 

As far as your friend, it has been several days now so I dont know if you have called her or not.  If it were me, I would wait a few days til I felt better.  That way I would not end up saying anything I shouldnt say.  I hope you are feeling better now.  That is what I am going to have to start doing.  I went off on my best friends voice mail on both her phones and she is really upset with me.  I dont know if we can still be friends.  It is up to her.  I was just so mad at the situation I just called.  I should have waited til I cooled down.  You need to take care of youself first.  Noone else will.  But you do need your friends.  I have one good friend.  She is our vet.  I used to work with her but we were not friends then.  I followed her to the 2 clinics she went after working where we both worked and within the past 6 months or so we have become good friends.  When I am with her I laugh alot which is important.  I have several other good friends but I know what it is like when they are so up and you are so down.

Please post again so I can see how things went.

Chelsi

Posted 5/28/2005 1:36 PM (GMT -8)
Hi Chelsi,

I called my friend and followed everyones advice on here including yours, and I am feeling better. I even have a job interview this Thursday for a company that may pay me more than what I am making now. I just need to believe in my own worth and ask for what I deserve. I hate to leave the company I am at now, as I feel like my co-workers are family and I know I will miss the comraderie. Thanks again for your support. I hope your own job situation gets better..it is no fun feeling like things are unstable, and how long we will have our jobs. Keep the faith - you sound like a great worker, and any company would be lucky to have you.
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