HELP!!! Big time dilemmas....

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 5/21/2005 1:40 AM (GMT -6)   
OK this could get long.
I was good friends with these two girls from about 1989 on. In 2002 one of them (Laura) quit calling me. I kind of wondered what was up but let it slide. Then I found out. She was "worried" about me because of all the medication that I take. So "worried" that she called my boyfriend AT WORK and they discussed it. I was furious - I still am if I think about it long enough.
Anyway, she had all these ideas in her head about what medication I was taking and what it was doing to me - she even accused me of "doctor shopping" to get more meds (which, even with colitis and chronic pain I have never done). She was even generous enough to pass this "information" on to all of our mutual friends.
So for 2 years I "fought" with Laura on the computer - she never would talk to me on the phone. Fought is in quotes because I pretty much listened as she told me all the horrible things that she thought that I was doing (half of which weren't and aren't true). Then last year Laura got engaged. She emailed me all the details and blah blah blah, but I was really upset that I wasn't in the wedding (which I have found out since then she has 8 bridesmaids) even though we weren't really close anymore. I went online and bought her a present and wished her the best and I truly meant it.
Then the other girl, Cathy, got involved. I called her one day and she decided that I was on drugs because I was slurring. Well, first I always slur and second it turns out (I didn't know it at the time) that I had just had a grand mal seizure. So she decided not to talk to me any longer because of my problems and I am too depressed (well not talking to me helps right?). What really gets me is that this a girl (Cathy) that was very close to my family and when I called her when my mother was in the hospital she hung up on me. My mother is getting her leg amputated and this girl has the audacity to hang up on me and to not call my mother?? YES!!!
Then I get an email (this is last year, maybe September or October) from both of them telling me that because they love me so much they can't bear to see me destroy myself, that I need to grow up and get a job and let go of my parents (the 85 year old and the 65 year old one with one leg). I am too depressed to be their friends (Cathy told me that I am nuts).
Laura's wedding is Saturday (today). I never got an invitation. I did send her an email and wished her the best. Then all of a sudden the girl who will never talk to me again emails me. She says she never sent me an invitation because she knew that I wouldn't come (which, of course, makes me want to go) but the email really made it sound like she didn't want me there and I don't really blame her. What I said a long time ago (to Cathy not Laura) is that I couldn't go to her wedding because it would hurt me but also because since Laura has told everyone about my "problems" I felt that it would take away from her day.
The wedding is today and I think I want to go. I just want to sit outside and see her and her husband get in the limo (I really don't want to take away from her day). The strange part - no one will take me. Not my boyfriend, not my mother. Mom says that she doesn't like the way that Laura treated me and therefore won't go. I don't know what boyfriend's excuse is but it is set in stone.
Am I crazy?? Why would I want to go to this girl's wedding after all she has done to me?? I wasn't even really invited. The answer - I don't want to look back and regret it. Ridiculous!!
What scares me the most? How I feel about Cathy!!
I have always been one of those people who if you knocked on my door I would let you in, feed you and help you in any way that I could. But to tell you the truth if Cathy showed up on my door right now I would tell her to go away. Not because of what she did to me - it is what she did to my mom. You know, hurt me all you want but don't even say anything about the people that I love.
Please understand that I watched these two people go through cocaine addiction, excessive alcohol drinking, etc - but I never turned my back on them. EVER. Laura watched me stop taking Oxycontin cold turkey (I hated that drug) but apparently whatever I am doing now is worse. I think that they both know that I have a cyst in my brain (it is small, no problem) but they do NOT believe that I have seizures. What because taking dilantin is fun???
So it boils down to this.
Why do I care? Why am I even considering going to this wedding? These people are never going to be my friends again so why does it matter?? I don't even know them anymore (and in the case of Cathy I don't want to). Why would I want to go to a wedding for a person that I don't know who doesn't respect me and has thirty, yes 30, people in her wedding party?
What am I to do?
It is expected (and hoped I think) that I won't come - which is why I want to. I don't even want her (or anyone to see me).
It is Saturday at 6:00. If I was a drinker I think that I would start drinking now. I can't even sleep because of this whole stupid (and yes I know it is stupid) thing.
Should I stay or should I go?
Frustrated and sad (but not depressed),
Any grand ideas??
Thanks for the help.
I hope that we can all help each other.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 5/21/2005 11:16 AM (GMT -6)   

I think you answered your own question. We soooo want to be invited (even if we would decline the invitation). Human nature is to want to be included and accepted. This whole sad story sounds like one misunderstanding after another. There is no pain free way to get through it. Myself? I wouldn't go . . . you said it yourself, this is their day. She was wrong when she didn't try to mend the friendship way back when. But we are all wrong sometimes. I have learned NOT to burn any bridges intentionally. Eventually, life has a way of coming full circle and you will be glad you didn't treat these two poorly.

I will try to find an old post which I believe CheerDad wrote. It is very thought provoking.

I wish you a lovely day today. I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling at having been left out of this event.

Blessings sis . . . and some hot tea for you!!
In His Grip,
Psalms 139
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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 5/21/2005 5:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Dammy -

I'm sorry your so-called 'friends' are such jerks. It hurts even more when someone we once trusted, is the one grinding your heart in the dust. I've been there, and can understand how you can have such mixed feelings about this wedding and your past history with these two.

It's probably too late in the day for my opinion to do you any good - but if you truly want to go to the wedding ( the CHURCH part, which is usually open to the congregation in general and not the reception, which is private) then I would go. Whether you want to go for closure, for old times sake, or to just prove that you are more 'mature' than they are and can behave like an adult rather than a petty, hurtful person who would exclude an old friend - I would go quietly and with dignity, and make them wonder.

But in the scheme of the whole thing, even though I don't know your whole story - you said one thing that to me, is very revealing about the kind of people Laura and Cathy are; that they told you that
"(you are) too depressed to be their friend" .

How can ANYONE be "to depressed" to be a FRIEND? Last time I checked, friendship was a two-way street - you sometimes give, and you sometimes take - and you don't walk from a friendship because someone is depressed! (especially, if you are as 'together' as Laura and Cathy seem to think THEY are!)

Though you didn't say so - I would be willing to bet that at some time during the earlier days of your friendship - YOU had something that enhanced friendship with them - you had something appealing that they wanted. And now that they can't get that from you anymore, they don't want to put effort into supporting you, in YOUR need. In fact, they are so shallow, they are blaming YOU for THEIR neglect, just to absolve their own guilt over dumping you!

I'm sure others have told you, and that you know - that they aren't worth your time and friendship, anyway. But it still hurts. and for that, I'm truly sorry you feel bad and torn up over this wedding.

Get your BF - who seems like a pretty nice guy - to take you out somewhere tonite to get your mind off 'them'.

I hope you are feeling better about it tomorrow.

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