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Tired of faking my smile

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Posted 5/24/2005 6:07 AM (GMT -8)
Don't get me wrong, I know its necessary but it is just taking too much out of me.  My emotions are just so up and down because I have to have this front for everyone.  Showing emotions are a big nono in my house and my hubby tells me that I'm so negative so I have to pretend that everything is okay, work is so stressful but I can't let anything show there either.  I stood in my shower for 45 minutes last night crying non stop because that is the only place where I can go to be alone.  I just have the feeling of this weight on me and my feelings are so trapped.  It makes me more depressed and anxious.  I'm so scared that if I continue like this, one day I'm just going to crack.
Posted 5/24/2005 6:54 AM (GMT -8)

Dbab, its ashamed you must waste so much energy on trying to act like Little Miss Mary Sunshine.

It would be far better if you could , instead, use that energy to fight the depression.

 

Posted 5/24/2005 6:59 AM (GMT -8)
Des,

Big cyber hugs for you. I'm sorry sis, I can't remember if you are on an anti-d and when you might have started it.

I never saw you as a negative person. Friend, we all have icky feelings sometimes. You can't be expected to hide that all the time!! You'll explode (ewwwww). Tell hubby the truth. If you can't talk to him, then write a well thought out note to him.

Men WANT you to be ok, so the will it to be. If they can't fix it . . . they go into denial. It's not a bad thing . . . it's just how lots of men are. Be honest with him. It will be better in the long run.

Keep us posted!!

Blessings!
Posted 5/24/2005 9:42 AM (GMT -8)
DB,

I am so sorry you are going through a rough time. I call it a "bad patch" and I know it is hard to put on a happy face even though we don't want to or feel like it. There have been many times I have had to "pretend" I was happy for others but inside I am dying or just plain disgusted, especially if that person is a pain in  my arse. The only thing I have learned is that when a person says, "Why don't you ever smile"? I say, "If I had something to smile about, I would"! Thats it!

 

Lefty

Posted 5/25/2005 5:12 AM (GMT -8)
Des,

I just want you to know that all your feelings are valid. All of us know here that when you are down, there is no way to just stop being down, it just doesn't work that way for us :). Unfortunately we have to move through those feelings, we can't just shut them off. And some don't realize that moving through the sadness is healthier than shutting it off.
Please remember you are never alone in this. Take care.

purple crayon
Posted 5/25/2005 6:04 AM (GMT -8)
Thank you so much for your replies! I really want to get it all out and get past the pain and I know that it won't happen if it is all shut up inside me but I just don't know how to handle it. I don't know why someone ever said that its harder to frown than to smile because this just isn't my case. I tried to talk to my husband last night and I was very serious as I talked to him. He looked at me and started giggling and said "you are so melodramatic." I got up and walked out the door and sat on the side of the house and just cried. I had to, its getting harder and harder to control it. That is what scares me. I am just so frustrated and worn out.

Thanks everyone for being here for me, it helps to know that there are people that understand the feelings and don't think that I am nothing but a psychotic.
Posted 5/25/2005 7:16 AM (GMT -8)
Hi Des! I just had the chance to read this, and I know I've been there. I used to bottle everything up and yes, take it to the shower, or when everyone else was gone. I am usually a very happy person, and I think you probably are too, but there are times when as the others here have mentioned you just need to get it out!! AlwaysRosie said something that was great!-write a letter to your husband explaining your feelings. Put it in an envelope and hand it to him, asking him to take the time to read it when he has the time. Give him the space to read it, and wait and see what happens. I'm hoping that his response will be a positive one, an encouraging one to you! :) Perhaps if that isn't the case, you might need to speak to your Dr. re all this. As you know stress is very harmful to us and keeping it bottled up just isn't healthy.
You take care of yourself! Hugs, Teri :)
Posted 5/25/2005 7:22 AM (GMT -8)
dbab,


((((HUGS)))) I wish there was more I could do. You are such a positive support for me as I ride out the emotional roller coaster I am on. I know what it is like to always put on the mask and move ahead in life. The problem with that is soon the mask buries all feelings and nothing will come out but anger and resentment. Go ahead and cry, let it out. We are here whenever you need to have a shoulder to cry on. I know it's not the same but do know that we care for you and want to help you as you have helped us.
Posted 5/26/2005 4:48 AM (GMT -8)
Thanks again everyone... you don't know how much this means to me. I enjoy helping people if I can, it makes me feel a little more worthy in life. :)
Posted 5/26/2005 6:51 AM (GMT -8)
Well, I can understand abit of what you're feeling. Most of the time my H is very understanding and supportive though there are times he really doesn't "get it". That really irks me because I need to talk things out.
Here's an example. Lastweek we were talking about our holiday at the cottage. I love the cottage but I also have reservations and fears about going up there as it's out of my "safety zone." It's secluded and the neighbours are not close by...To me, that makes me feel abit uneasy because of the whole anxiety thing and not having control of my surroundings. Also he drives a standard and I can only drive automatic. We always take his car as I don't like to drive on the highways (or Freeways as you Americans call 'em!) so he does all the driving. I mentioned that 'what if' something happens at the cottage and I can't drive because the car is standard, he said back It won't happen so don't even worry about it. Well Ya think?? Ofcourse that bugged me big time because he gets kidney stone attacks. We've headed to the hospital afew times in the past year and I'm afraid that he'll have an attack while at the cottage and I won't be able to drive his car. It was just a conversation, I was NOT freaking out nor getting anxious while talking about this - HE kept on telling me to relax and stop over reacting! I wasn't at all - Finally I got ****ed off and basically told him that I have to be able to express my fears, acknowledge them, get them out so I KNOW what is going on, some plan just incase!!! His response back to me was, we'll call 911. Don't worry about it. ...Well, after that I said, I won't. Forget it.

Yeah, so your husband doesn't understand the whole depression/anxiety thing that happens inside our heads! When something is bugging us, we have to discuss it! What I do most of the time?? I exclude him from this stuff. Jump online, talk to somebody, post about it - My husband probably is GLAD I handle it this way now as he doesn't have to deal with it too much. Maybe just don't go to him with this stuff and talk to your friends more.

He loves you Dbab, don't ever doubt that...Men are fixers and all they want to do is FIX the problem, but we can't be fixed by our H's!! That makes them feel frustrated as they hate seeing us like we are during our lowest times...Accept him as he is - quirks and all - and just stay away from him when he acts like a big boob! LOL! Make a joke of it, that is what I do now.

Hope this helps abit.

Hugs!
Red09
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