Haven't posted in a while, but finding that the "holiday season" that is upon us is really starting to drag me down. I just found out that my new "significant other" will most likely be out of town through the whole "holiday season," so it will just be me and my cats observing the whole "Christmas" period, with only a couple of hours maybe spent with my closest relatives. It has been increasingly hard just to make it through my days, as I am constantly reminded that my life didn't turn out the way I always anticipated it would be.
I live alone, except for my three cats, in a tiny two-bedroom apartment, where I can practically cover the area in ten steps in any direction. I miss my 4 bedroom house, and the lifestyle I had before my unfortunate divorce. Time and fate have left me childless and disabled, when I always expected to have a happy home and family at this point in my life. Every day is filled with pain and disillusionment, and I have to fight practically every single day, just to get to the point of being able to endure life as an ongoing situation.
If I'm not fighting my doctor's office, I have to fight the pharmacy practically every week, just to obtain my prescribed pain meds, without which I can't function. I don't understand WHY it has to be a constant hassle, since I'm been on the same medication schedule on an ongoing basis. My scripts are written without refills, so every week/10 days, I have to fight either the Dr's office, the pharmacy, or both! I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that a static medication schedule be followed without having to my having to make numerous and persistant phone calls just to keep things on track. I know I've probably *****ed about this before, but I just don't understand why the "professionals" can't operate on a dependable schedule.
Some days, actually most days, I just don't have that much fight left in me anymore. Being permanently disabled doesn't miraculously improve or disappear out of the blue. Unless my fortune changes, and I meet someone with a built-in family, I will never obtain the children and grandchildren I always expected that I'd have by now in my life. God knows I love my cats, but they are no substitute for human loved ones. My parents are definitely getting on in years. I don't know how much longer I'll have them around, and I can't depend on them for my well-being as I get older myself. I know I am a burden to them as it is, as their ongoing support is the only thing that allows me the minimal standard of living I have now, as my disability stipend certainly isn't enough to exist on these days. Everyday I struggle to just keep going...it's difficult to accept that things didn't turn out as I expected, and I'm at a loss as to how to change things for the better. I am totally open to any suggestions on how I can turn things around or change my lot in life... Any suggestions???