Posted 12/5/2012 3:52 PM (GMT -6)
Hello, thanks for reading btw, sorry if its long.
So I want to start off by saying I think this forum is awesome, ive been reading some threads and how nice people are is really the only reason I signed up.
I'm depressed, I know this now. I had a sudden death in my family about 6 years ago, and it changed me. Until recently I thought that I was dealing with it okay, but I realized how distant i've become from my family (they think I just enjoy video games, they don't really know I just dont want to be around anyone). I'm 24 and I don't see a future for myself (I go to college and I have a job). I most the time struggle with trying to find a reason to be happy about life in general. I'm not suicidal, I wouldn't gain anything from it, i'll never do it. Honestly it's hard for me to put into words, I just feel as if i'm pretending all the time. I'm always joking with friends/coworkers. I make friends really easy (because i'm just a nice guy who will do favors for strangers). But in the back of my mind, all throughout the day, I know that i'm not happy, and I honestly dont think anything can make me truly happy. At the same time I also dont love anyone like I used to. It's hard to think about, but I just dont love anyone in my life, I also dont love anything in my life. I simply just do things and put up with stuff, so people feel like I love them.
I also have a lot of anxiety now. I go out of my way so much to make sure that I never have to deal with stress. I'm always 40 mins early anywhere I go (just incase there is traffic or something else happens.) I always park in the same spots, i'm annoyed a little bit when I can't. When customers get angry, I get extremely shaking and worried that it might escalate into something dangerous. I wan't to be happy, I just can't, it seems so dumb to me, but I honestly just can't be happy anymore, the feeling just isn't there, and if I find something fun or funny, it eventually just gets over shadowed by me knowing that feeling will end, and ill be back not caring.
If I had to describe myself in terms of PTSD
Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don't care about anything
Being unable to remember important aspects of the trauma
Having a lack of interest in normal activities
Showing less of your moods
Avoiding places, people, or thoughts that remind you of the event
Feeling like you have no future
I'm asking for encouragement because my job offers 6 Free therapy sessions a year and then they help me find something within my healthcare plan to continue my therapy affordably. I just feel like ill only be fooling myself if I go. Or ill just feel dumb when I go.