Posted 1/2/2013 6:14 PM (GMT -7)
I probably won't be here for very long, as I only really came looking for maybe some advice and reach out a little. No, its not a suicide note, I haven't sunk that low just yet. This is a very long post, and I apologize, since I have a lot on my mind and I suppose explaining everything as much as I can might help you all understand my problem?
I came back from the doctor's about three hours ago, my test results having been perfectly fine, and after speaking to my doctor about how I was feeling, she pronounced me depressed and decided to start me on Cipralex with just 5mg to get me going and see how it gets to me then up the dosage to 10 if necessary. I've looked into it and while the possible side effects don't seem very appealing to me, I'm still willing to give it a go as long as it helps.
Now the problem isn't much about me, or my doctor, it's my parents.
I'm 22 years old, Illustration major, about to graduate come march of this new year. My school schedule consists of nearly 12 hours a day, every day, save for one or two days which may be 9 instead, and I'm stressed beyond relief. My school considers itself "Med school of Art." Which is absolutely and completely believable considering the amount of work we do almost every day.
Now, I love my parents dearly. They payed my college tuition in full for all three of my years, so I have no debts to worry about, I'm still living under their roof for free (though there are chores and slight demands of course), so I don't have rent to deal with, and I get food and free laundry whenever I want. I have absolutely no complaints about my parents, and I'm ridiculously thankful that I'll be able to start my life scotch free after graduating, save for my tiny credit card and cellphone bills, but they are extremely difficult people to deal with in terms of the concept of a mental illnesses.
English is not their first language, and I do understand that and cater to the slight communication barriers, not to mention in their home country, everyone toughs everything out and there's no easy routes like free health care (I'm Canadian) and relatively cheap guidance counselors like here in North America, so I understand it from their point of view... but they just don't believe that I'm depressed. I'm sure most parents would like to never believe there's anything wrong with their children. They believe it's just because I'm stressed about graduation and I barely eat or sleep between school nights and homework, and hardly have much of a social life anymore, to the point where I've lost most of my friends, and I don't particularly like the others in my class enough to 'hang out' with them outside of school (actually, I would very much like to punch quite a few of them in the face, because of their arrogance and stupidity, but that's another thing all together), so they believe, once I'm out of there, I'll feel like a million bucks.
I don't really know what to say. The feelings I have, I can't put into words, and because of that, I can't explain to my parents that I'd like to try the pills. I mean, I have, but they don't quite seem to get it.
I don't feel like I normally do. I get angrier faster. Things that shouldn't irritate me, no matter how small they are, set me off like an atomic bomb for several hours at a time. Highly indecisive; ridiculously so. I can barely keep on task without needing to flip open my phone, or check my emails and messages, and get completely side tracked. I've never been a jealous person, and recently I've been envious of my remaining friends for having their own lives aside from school. I've been pushing people away, when usually I'm a social butterfly. I feel anxious all the time, and even have mild panics and worries over little things... Some days, I don't even want to get up in the morning, and just pretend like I don't exist for the day... or several days. Much like it has been this holiday. I don't enjoy things as I used to. I just eat, sleep, draw, occasional conversation with an online friend then rinse and repeat.
Lately I stay up ridiculously late, to where I get to see my parents off when they go to work around 6 or 7 in the morning, then head to bed and I don't wake up until they come back 10-11 hours later. Its like I've flipped my time zone or something... its ridiculous. Granted, I know for a fact I'm a night owl. I always produce my best works at night because its quiet and I can concentrate, but this is just FAR to the extreme. I can sleep for 12+ hours, and easily stay awake for the remainder of the day and then some. And its not as if I have trouble sleeping either. At the drop of a hat I can nod off whenever and wherever, I actually have trouble waking up. I set my alarm for 12pm, and I don't ever even realize it goes off, then when I open my eyes, its already dark out again.
I honestly haven't seen much sunlight until today when I went to see my doctor's and it was kind of distressing to me. My mom laughed, but I was seriously concerned. For two solid weeks, I hadn't seen sunlight because of this crazy sleeping pattern. That's ridiculous.
So with all that in mind, and I am completely aware: I know there's something wrong with me. Its not normal of me.
Question is: Am I really depressed? Or is it just a side effect from school and my life style?
I want to give the pills a try, but my parents just won't listen. My father is very adamant about me not taking them; I figure he's afraid that I gain an addiction, while my mother keeps trying to suggest other reasons why I feel this way and tells me to tough it out until I graduate.
I don't know what to do.
That's why I came here. I figure maybe some stranger advice could help ease my mind somewhat.