Posted 6/1/2005 5:22 PM (GMT -7)
I wonder if anyone else out there know how I am feeling right now?
Its 1am London time and I am up again. I seem to get off to sleep ok at bed time most days, but then I wake an hour or so later sometimes, with a strange feeling of mixed scary feelings. I feel a little sick, and a little shakey, my head is buzzing.
Am I low? am I eating something that is making me buzz or feel weird? is it my hormones? ( I am 30 only). Is it something else? am i ill? oh..... I dont know....
I truly try and think rationally, but I cant manage it. I try to tell myself to sleep and say to myself I am ok, but I cant relax or switch off. God, its so hard to describe how I feel. Its a feeling that is so isclolating, I feel so alone.
Only recently Ive been thinking awful thoughts that make me think I am MAD! I am getting so fed up with feeling so crazy that I almost thaink that at least if I were dead all these horrid feelings would be gone. Then I feel even MORE crazy for thinking about death being an end to thesse feelings!!??? DOES ANY OF THI MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU??
I am really going crazy, or is it normal to sometimes go through periods like this in life??
The mad part is, im really "normal" in everyday life - or should I say that I have almost perfected the act of getting through the day. People wouldnt really think there was anything wrong to see me or work with me, but secretly Im having bad nights and anxixous feelings all the time. Im getting really bad headaches every day and I have been feeling dizzy for almos a year. every day is cloudy and fuzzy. oh...its all so hard to descirbe.
I keep crying too. When I wake in the night i scare myself as I walk around ina daze and cant get a grip. My husband is loving, but he too drives me a little mad as I cant get him to understand how im feeling. its hard to explain to someone who is so laid back and relaxed. For example tonight, I laid there for an hour whilst he slept. I treid ages to think of happy thoughts and relax and sleep and switch off. He then awoke and I cried cos I feel so awful and strange and low. He just said to me to "think happy thoughts and relax" - Like I haveant already been trying that for the last hour! then he goes back to sleep. He thinks I can just think "happy" and thats it. Its not that easy.
I dont even know why I am not happy! I have a job, dont have debt, dont have kids yet. I have had a few probs in th past, ie parents splitting when I was young, abusive partner who once hit me, mum that once had cancer (better now) - but why am I feling like this now? I dont know.
I dont know what im feeling right now and so I am scaring myself. I am finding myself up at 1am, writing this posting on the web. That makes me feel crazy too! Shouldnt I be sleeping like the rest of the world?
Can you familiarise with the things I am saying? If so, please write to me. I dont want to go mental! I want to be normal, but dont know where to turn. I dont want to tell the GP really cos he may put me on drugs and make me feel worse. Maybe he will say im depressed- then how do I deal with that? Will I be on drugs that MONG ME OUT?
Oh dear....I think I am pretty lost right now.
I look forward to some replies. Love, Vikki