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Posted 6/2/2005 6:45 PM (GMT -6)

Again this could get long and I am sorry.

First, last night my dad ended up in the ER (in California while I am in Texas). He was released and everything is fine but he is 85 and, this sounds stupid, he is getting old. My dad has never been old but all of a sudden he is acting his age. It scares me.

Second, I went to the doc today for med refills and what not and told him that I think that I am having anxiety problems. He wanted to know why I thought that and I told him about all my stupid, yet neverending, questions. He told me that they were good questions  nono   What?? No, fix me - don't tell me that they are good questions!! He did up my Xanax though.

Third, my mom went to the doctor today also and they found a "mass" in her chest. Now I am sure that is probably no big deal but to me, the one who has neverending thoughts, it is HUGE!!! She lost her leg last year and now she has a "mass" in her chest!! She is 65. Her mother died of lung cancer at age 70 and never smoked. My mom smoked - for like 30 years. What is worse (please don't lecture on smoking) is that I smoke. So now all that I can think about is what if my mom has lung cancer and gets sick and dies. That would be half my fault!!!

Plus, she and my dad live 2 hours away from me. They are talking about moving - next March. What if next March is too far away??

And to add insult to injury I have decided that I should have kids - like tomorrow. I am not married (but live with significant other) and am not really in the best health to have kids - nor the best shape financially. But what if I wait and my kids never meet my parents??

When it rains it pours.

love,

dammy

Posted 6/2/2005 7:07 PM (GMT -6)
Wow Dammy, your mind works just like mine - The anxiety makes one thought go to another and then ya worry about something that hasn't happened yet. I know how difficult this is for you...Been there, and there are times I still go there too.

OK, Try not to think the worse case senario with your mom quite yet. Yes, easier said than done. For us who suffer from anxiety, not knowing is the WORST as it gives bad antispitory anxiety! Wait and see what the results are...One thing, people who suffer from anxiety are suprisingly good at dealing with crisis's that happen around them. I know this first hand too. My father died of Lung cancer as well, almost 12 years ago, I smoke too - So that is always in the back of my head.

What I don't get is, why would it be half your fault? Because you smoked around her? She's 65 and been around the block few times...I'm sure she's been around tons of people who smoke, been in bars, at parties etc...Please don't take on that responsibility - That isn't good for you and isn't going to help this situation.

With your dad, at 85 I guess maybe he's not been feeling well and who knows if he is depressed, or had a scare that made him feel old or realize HOW Old he really is. Young at heart but sometimes at that age the mind can play tricks. I do hope he feels better...Make him laugh as much as possible. Humour is important and will release his happy endorphins. Sounds silly but it's true.

Glad the DR helped you and remember there is NO such thing as a stupid question when it comes to our health.

Try not to think so far down the road, we can't control what is going to happen so it's important to stay in the "now" as that is what counts.

Lots of hugs to you and post back soon.

Red09
Posted 6/3/2005 8:05 AM (GMT -6)
Red -
Thanks for the answer. Yes, half my fault because I smoke around her.
But my Dad is not "old." He mows the lawn, he volunteers, he only "retired" in March.
The doctor didn't really help me - telling me that the neverending questions were good ones!!!
I am trying to stay in the "now," but the "now" is that in 2 hours my mom is getting a cat scan on her chest.
I am scared of the "now" and terrified of the past.
Thanks red.
love,
dammy
Posted 6/3/2005 8:25 AM (GMT -6)
Hey Dammy,

Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. You've had a really full plate dealing with all these issues. I wouldn't make any big decisions (about having a baby) right now. Give yourself a bit of time to let the dust settle on these other issues. BTW: I had my first (of 4) children because of an impulsive brain burp and things worked out fine, but I wouldn't recommend it because there were better ways to plan for such an important decision.

Blessings!
Posted 6/3/2005 10:13 AM (GMT -6)
((((((HUGS)))))) Sending all the positive thoughts your way. I am finding my dad to start being old too. He had bypass surgery a few years back and it scared me. The thought of loing him was difficult. I try not to dwell on it, but it still comes periodically. I can't imagine life without him there. He has always been a rock and to see him differently is hard. I now make sure I call him atleast once a week. We talk about his boyhood so I will have stories to tell his great grandchildren if he isn't there to do so. Hope he is, but I want his great grandkids to know what a good man he was.
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