Wolf, first of all, my heart goes out to you. I'm very sorry for your losses. I am glad you are surrounded by your kids. They are your world now.
Am glad you posted. Writing is good for the soul, gets alot of thoughts out of your head and even if you don't want to, sometimes a daily journal might be quite useful.
Have you considered talking to a therapist? I say this because I am recognizing some things in you that I have inside of me -Especially when it comes to death and the feelings that come afterwards....I'm suggesting that you talk to your doctor about
Therapy. Will help with the anxiety, depression. Talk therapy. Can be done with or without meds. Anyway, just a suggestion for you.
You DO sound like a very honest, nice and giving person. I know you like helping others and that feeling one gets from knowing they made a difference in somebody's life - on or offline friends - Don't forget about
you! Reach out as much as you can and if you need to talk to somebody when you're feeling low, don't be afraid to ask for help.
Hugs to you.