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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 6/8/2005 1:42 AM (GMT -6)   
I call myself Angrywolf...I am new here..My wife's name was Rose..we had two children..a son and a daughter...Rose had had two strokes and hard to manage diabetes...but she seemed to be getting better and stronger...So I came home from work one night and found her lying dead on the couch from a heart attack...Half of me died that night...A few months later my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she died...and I knew then..that I was lost..There was no hope for me...If my mom had lived she could have helped me survive the death of Rose..without her..I knew it was over..And it is over...
I bought a computer and I go online to help other people in need...I have made a few friends...and some people have even told me I have helped them...I hope that I have...I believe that most people can survive the loss of a spouse..or other loved one..I just am not one of those people..I know I will never be happy again..Never able to love a woman again...Never feel happiness in my heart again...I am helping the kids to get grown up..helping my other relatives...trying to inspire my online friends and other friends..although I know there is nothing anybody can do to help me..I am on Effexor and Wellbuterin...I don't like them thatmuch..but since there's nothing that can help me anyway..I have chosen to remain on them...
Recently I have started experiencing chest pains and shortness of I went to my doctor...I have a stress test scheduled for thursday...I'm not going into my Red Foxx/Fred Sanford routinewhere he grabbed his chest and say....Elizabeth..I coming to you honey..I can feel the big one...although Red Foxx did die of a heart attack ironically...Wanting to just let go...if I had a choice...if I had a chance....of going...and leaving all the pain in this old heart of mine behind...will be something I will be wondering about when I am on the treadmill...
I don't want any of you to feel sorry for me...I just want all of you who read find some hope..a small measure of hope..that things can get better..then build upon make them better...
Take care everyone............................................ sad

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 4305
   Posted 6/8/2005 4:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Angrywolf Hi and welcome,

I too suffer from depression.I'am sorry to hear about your wife and your mother.You say you have two kid's if you don't mind me asking how old are they?

I know that it has been a terrible loss for you and your kid's they lost there mom and grandmother.I know as painfull as it is your two kid's need there father and that is something to live for.Please keep in touch with us so we know how you are doing.

May GOD be with you and your family.I will keep you in my prayers and thought's.


Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 6/8/2005 7:33 AM (GMT -6)   
nono  Angry Wolf,
Welcome to the site. I am soo sorry for all the trials and tribulations you have been going through. It is so easy to say, "Why me, what did I do that was so terrible". We can't question the Lord or what He does but we can learn through our experiences and as you said, help others. Of course you are depressed. Who wouldn't be? I am happy to know that you took control of the situation and did what you had to do. There is one thing we very, ever, never on any site and that is the "S" word. No one is allowed to take their life until God calls them. It wasn't yours to live and it's not your's to give. People need you. Perhaps you can find a "widow's and widowers" group. That may help. The other thing is the power of prayer. I will pray for you today that you had the courage to come and share your story. God bless you and your family. We are here 24/7/12/365 so don't worry about that. Come back any time and share and perhaps you can help someone else.
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/8/2005 8:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear Angrywolf,

I am soooo sorry that you now belong to the widow/widowers club. I too lost a husband while I had two small children. For me, it happened to be the final act in a five year stretch of bad things happening all around me and to me. Somehow, my faith took over immediately and put ALL my trust in the Lord. It wasn't a good-two-shoes act . . . it was a gift from God. He just, somehow, gave me a 'knowing' that everything would be ok. But that didn't take away the process of grieving.

I NEVER thought I would EVER want to marry again or even be loved by another man. I just didn't have ANY desire for that. Although my trust was in God, I still went through the whole grieving process and jumped every time the phone rang . . . for an instant thinking it might be him . . . and then feeling stabbed with the reality that he was gone. Every day was filled with thoughts of him. Every meal I cooked, I had to remind myself that I wasn't cooking for 4 anymore.

Well fast forward a good number of years and last week I celebrated my 26th wedding anniversary with my 'new' husband. Hubby is a wonderful man, a gift from God, a gift I did not ask for. I never would have believed that I could bond with another man and live a happy life. But God made a way for me. God can make a way, when there seems to be no way.

Thank you for sharing with us. I know that is a painful thing to do. Your advice to others might serve you well if you re-read your posts. But you do need to allow yourself to grief this loss. That takes time friend.

Be very careful about the attitude you choose in dealing with this. Your children are watching you very carefully and their hope is sometimes limited by the hope that you have. My kids, I think, are really what got me through the initial crises. They needed me and I, like you, was there for them.

You are in my prayers friend.

In His Grip,
Psalms 139
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Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 6/8/2005 9:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Wolf, first of all, my heart goes out to you. I'm very sorry for your losses. I am glad you are surrounded by your kids. They are your world now.

Am glad you posted. Writing is good for the soul, gets alot of thoughts out of your head and even if you don't want to, sometimes a daily journal might be quite useful.

Have you considered talking to a therapist? I say this because I am recognizing some things in you that I have inside of me -Especially when it comes to death and the feelings that come afterwards....I'm suggesting that you talk to your doctor about Cognitive behaviour Therapy. Will help with the anxiety, depression. Talk therapy. Can be done with or without meds. Anyway, just a suggestion for you.

You DO sound like a very honest, nice and giving person. I know you like helping others and that feeling one gets from knowing they made a difference in somebody's life - on or offline friends - Don't forget about you! Reach out as much as you can and if you need to talk to somebody when you're feeling low, don't be afraid to ask for help.

Hugs to you.
Take care.

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 6/10/2005 9:08 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for your replies...I 've been there and done that..I 've been in a support group..been through on meds..been in widow/widower groups...None of that helps..I am a skeptical person by nature and hard to convince without proof..........
I know all about the forbidden S word..which I won't mention. I just know the best of my life is in the past...and the future is empty...
I have I don'''t drink or use drugs other than my meds...because I don't want to become dependent...So there's really nothing I enjoy enjoyment..I just want my kids to grow up and go and leave will be better off..
I do write a lot....for one of the local forums..about crime, science,politics..that sort of thing...It helps divert me sometimes...
Sorry but I have given up on fact I believe God has cursed my family..that he has turned away from us and doesn't love us...I guess I must be responsible for that..I wasn't a good enough person to please him......I use to be active in the church..we use to go and say prayers over the sick wife. children and I would sing to them...they enjoyed that.....I would serve them communion..Pray for people in need before the congregation......all those sort of things...I guess it wasn't enough...We did those things out of our love for people..but I guess it simply wasn't enough...
But thank you all for your words of kindness and encouragement.
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