feel I am fighting a losing battle

All of this is just so overwhelming, the depression , the anxiety, life.....I  too like angrywolf used to have what I thought was a good relationship with God...but somehow that is all gone..I pray and nothing..I feel nothing...I think this is the one thing I cant get over...I used to be a happy person and comfortable with my faith..that is all gone..in its place now is this overwhelming fear of God now..I hate that, I dont want to feel this way..I have asked God to take that away, but it doesnt happen. I feel abandoned and unworthy....angry and so many emotions it is hard to describe..whats the point?..really? living like this isnt living at all......

Well Mel I hope you are right. I used to think that maybe that was what it was, now I dont know, I still pray, I still believe very much....I did a whole lot of soul searching, going through my whole life to see where I failed, and yes I have made many horrible choices in my life, as most have, have had many terrible losses of family and friends, even my ex died a couple of years ago and though we did not get along all that well at the time, that hit me really hard as well, I have spent so much time trying to figure it all out I am just more confused, I havent done anything but scare myself more I guess, where I used to find comfort in God, now I find fear, it makes no sense to me, I want that comfort back, and that is what scares me, that I will never get over being afraid of him now, I just wonder how our minds get so whacked sometimes, how you can think some of these crazy things, I miss feeling safe, I miss feeling happy, I miss my life....God gave me all those things and now they are gone...I just dont understand it and guess maybe I never will.

Barbra I can totally relate to you,everything about my life sucks and it's really hard to continue to lived with a life like this...

Here is my $.02 . . . please don't read if you don't want to read about God.

Each of us has a God-shaped hole in our heart which only God can fill.

If you don't feel God . . . it is not God who moved.

We are not ill as a punishment or a test.

God does NOT cause illness, but he DOES allow it. Nothing happens in this world w/o God knowing it first.

Jesus did not lead a carefree life. He suffered, his hometown did not believe and he had to move on to do his work.

Jesus only lived into his thirties. His close friend sold him out for a bit of money.

He ultimately was scourged, spat at, ridiculd and hung naked on a cross.
WHY? So that you and I could have eternal life w/o pain.

This life is just a wink compared to eternity.

Always trust that God is in charge . . . even if you don't understand at the time.

Don't just pray . . . when you talk to God, have a conversation, where he has your quiet time to reply. You won't likely hear words, but a feeling and a knowing that everyting is ok (his still-small-voice).

When I am weary, I picture myself curled up and lying in the palm of His mighty hand.

I still have problems . . . but I haven't lost my joy. Joy comes from knowing God.

I really believe that we each need a church family to share our journey with. A good church family will be able to help you when you are down and count on you to do the same for them.

If you are looking for a contemporary, down to earth, bible-based church you can check out www.willowcreek.com and look for a link where you can find such a church in your area.

One more thing . . . when we DO have a good relationship with God, the adversary WILLl be at work against us. You can tell when it is God talking to you if your spirit is convicted. If your spirit is being condemned, it is coming from the adversary. The Holy Spirit convicts and the adversary condemns. If you feel condemnation it is NOT coming from God.

God does not push his way in. He allows us to move forward at our own pace.

I hope I haven't offended anyone . . . but this is life as I see it.

Father God, we pause and ask to be able to fell your touch. A touch so that we will know that you are there. A touch so that we know it is going to be ok, ultimately. Thank you Father for the precious gift of your son, Jesus. We so look forward to eternal life with you. Sometimes when things are sad, lonely, scary, unmanageable, painful, we forget that Jesus knows our pain and has suffered all these things. You know what is best for us Father and we trust you with our lives. We know that we could be healed with your touch . . . but we also know that each of us has a purpose here and our afflictions may serve that purpose. If anyone reading does not have a church family, I pray that they would go to the website above-mentioned and find a believing church and become part of the family of God. Thank you Father for a forum like this where we can come and share our burdons with others. We also ask that as each of us reads we will feel the joy that can come only from knowing that you are in charge and that we can always trust you. In Jesus precious name, Amen.

I've been reading this book called Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. And it has been a trememdous help to me. After I finished replying to your post last night, I was re-reading a chapter (cause i needed some encouragment) called A Doubtful and Unbelieving Mind, and part of the chapter refers to Matthew 14:24-32 where Jesus told Peter to walk on the water. So Peter did so, but when he started paying attention to the storm and took his eyes of The Lord, he began to sink. And just like Peter, we need to keep our focus on Christ, and not our storms. And we have to have faith to believe that we, like Peter, can "walk on water". We can over come our depression, and we don't have to live with it! Jesus is allowing us to go through it for now, but he is going to bring us out of it, if we just believe in him. I don't wanna sound preachy, but i'm beginning to realize more and more, that our christian walk is to be taken seriously, and faith is the key! But at the same time, it helps a little to know that there are other christians who struggle in their faith as I do. But we're here for eachother to edify and build eachother up!! I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

cloudy..I totally understand how you feel, its like you want to be close again..and yet you you just dont understand it all..somewhere along the way you have attached negative feelings with God..or at least I think that is what it is, because I think that is what happened to me, It gets really confusing sometimes, but I know I want my relationship back and yet at the same time its scary..I dunno maybe its trust issues or something, still trying to figure it out also, but I wish you all the best and hope we find the answers.

I have had a very similar situation. I grew up going to church on a regular basis and truly enjoyed myself. I had a lot of friends to run around with; good people. I guess in my late teens early 20's I started drifting from all that until many years later now in my early 30's. I know longer attend church. I've had nothing but road blocks, struggles, and disappointments and I know god is trying to call me back to the church but I am stubborn. I know some day I will return to church. I admit that I miss it. I just don't feel ready to return just yet. I want to take care of myself first. I do the same thing. I still talk to god and pray and I still keep having let downs and break downs and why me's and this isn't fair to where I feel I don't trust him any more. I know that's wrong and I know I can trust god but even when I was going to church I experienced a lot of what I'm going through today so I think to myself, what's the point. I don't know I guess if i'm honest with myself; I'm doubtful of him. It's what have you done for me lately thinking.

I know how it feels, because some days I feel so depleted spiritually.  What helps me is to look at situations from a different perspective and to do something nurishing (sp) for my soul.  I live in the beautiful state of Utah so I'll go hiking.  There is a hike 5 minutes from my house that leads to a waterfall and everyone says Hi, which is rare here. A good book or a good movie and cheesecake helps ,too. I try not to take things personally-especially if I don't know the person that almost hit me on the road or set the display in the grocery store so only one cart could get through at a time-in every section no doubt.  I work at a nursing home and many of my patients have depression, too.  And I'll say hey who cares if your bed isn't perfect or the toilet is acting up-it's not worth the stress that worrying it is causing you.  Concentrate on your great family and the joys that you have. Let's go get some hot chocalete and eat Twizzlers. They tell me that it helps them get through a rough time when I tell them things like that.  I wish I could listen to own advice.          

I feel that when you take care of yourself, that is God answering your prayers and counteracting the numbness of depression.

Heather

Rosie, what an uplifting post.  Thank you for putting things in perspective.