Julee

I don't know if anyone else does this, but when I am down/depressed I tend to write; Poems, short stories, whatever pops into my head. Its usually on the darker side hense my mood anyway here's one i just wrote it's ok.

Darkened wings
Darkened eyes
Darkened soul
feeling hallow
Running nowhere
running fast feeling
breathless will this last.

The pain I feel deep inside
makes me wonder and question
why

wanting and waiting
for the hurt to lift
wanting and waiting
for a greater gift

a gift of love, hope, and peace
a gift of deep and peaceful sleep
a gift of happiness with no more
tears.

I don't like the ending so much but its just something I jotted down a few minutes ago.

Wow Angel!!

Sounds like you are headed in the right direction!! Woooo Hoooo!!

I don't think its strange to look forward to next week. All through the week you can look forward to what you will talk about. Just don't leave out the stuff that you really don't want to talk about. Those issues are usually key!!

Thanks for the update sis!!

Blessings!

hi everyone. it's been a couple of days. Rough days actually. I came down with a pretty bad UTI over the weekend. Had to leave work friday morning it was so bad. Monday I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. Oh i got up but the anxiety and dread I felt having to go to work was to much. I ended up staying home and having a pretty rough day, but I"m a bit better today it seems every day is different for me. I'm either really up or I'm really really down or numb. No two days are a like any more. Today I'm in good spirits. I asked god last night before I went to sleep just to put my worries and thoughts at rest and to ease my my mind so I could have a peaceful nights sleep. Something I haven't had in a while and sure enough. I went to sleep pretty easily I had to push my thoughts aside and I slept all the way until my alarm went off. That's an accomplishment for me. Nights are rough sometimes I just can't get my mind to shut down completely like it should so it makes for a restful night sleep. anyway, i'm better today. no tears no negative thoughts but like anything else that can change at the drop of a hat. Right now I'm content and stabble.

hey netty thanks. I'm glad you liked the poem. Today is an ok day nothing bad happening but nothing to terrific, but i'm more stabble today than I have been. I feel that way at least. I go to my counseling tomorrow. I know I'll be worn out from that after its over but I need to continue with it no matter what. Its time to regain control of my life. That's what I keep telling myself. If I come up with any more poems I'll share them with y'all. haven't had a writting mood in a few days. How are you doing lately?

real down today. no one thing causing it just a lot of things. My brain feels overloaded today. I'm just trying to make it to the end of the day today. I just wish that each day was emotionally the same. No two days are alike though and I guess if they were life would get rather dull after a while but still it would be nice to be emotionally stabble and take things for what they are. I worry to much. that's a big problem of mine. I over analize to much and you might say I make mountains out of mole hills when their isn't any reason to do so. The last couple of days were good. I don't know why I feel down today. I just do. I didn't wake up in a bad mood and nothing has really happened to put me in this mood, but I guess that's part of being depressed. You'll have a couple of good days and then bam for whatever reason your down again. I hate that.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend and the trouble she is having. I can relate though my grandmother and grandfather passed away recently and I had a miscarriage all within a year of each other. Its a lot for any one to handle but it seems some of us are just prone to a more trying lifestyle you might say. each day is its own challeng. I know I'm down today. I had to make myself eat my lunch and I wasn't even all that hungry. I didn't exactly enjoy it either. Its weird when your down your whole system seems to go with you. i better go.

laughing out loud lol I guess I need to proof read what I right that was pretty bad no periods, commas, not much puncuation at all lol. I'll pay closer attention next time. I write how I think I suppose it kind of all runs together lol

hey all

just a short note. i met with my counselor last night and we did an "invetory" of my feelings and symptoms and what not and I'm dealing with severe anxiety and severe depression. Not good. She was really conserned about that. She's recommending me to go see a psychatrist in the next couple of weeks. Someone she works closely with and trust completely to recommend her clients that have severe cases along with other medical issues as I have. It scared me a bit when we were talking about it, but I do trust her and I know she wouldn't stear me in the wrong direction. Part of me was sitting there thinking gee I could've of told you that. Anyway, she's going to call me to today and let me know what she finds out. She also wants me to see one because he can write out prescriptions she doesn't think my zoloft is working at all. I haven't felt like it was for a while now. I just have so many pieces of the puzzle that I'm trying to put together that I'm feeling a little overloaded these days. gotta go.

Hi Angel,

Well . . . if "popping a pill everyday" could make things better . . . why not? That would be a REAL solution.

I understand your poem. But we live in a fallen world. What you are dreaming of is heaven.

I hope things go well with the new psych. I am relieved that they are really taking this seriously and trying some other med or combination of meds.

Keep us posted sis!!

Blessings!

Angel,

Glad you got those good days of sleeping!! Isn't that a blessing? Does sound like you need a change in jobs. I hope the library job comes through for you. If not . . . keep your ears open because you don't sound to happy where your at.

Keep us posted sis!

Blessings!

well now i'm completely frustrated. ok. i'm angry. something here where I work is holding me back. I don't know what it is, but something is. I called the library and I didn't get the job. The position has been filled. They said i should be getting a letter in the mail how nice of them. god, i'm so frustrated. I'm back to square one again. I'm done with the job search for a while. I can't handle this rejection. I was qualified for that job. I could do that job and I still didn't get hired. what is my problem. boy now I'm wishing i would've waited until the end of the day to call. now i'm going to be fumming all day about this. its got to have something do with my current job. i just don't understand it. I should've followed up on my first opportunity to move out, but the first one was going to start out at 8.50 an hour and I just didn't feel i could take that kind of a pay cut right now. i knew it though, i felt it, and i know the longer it went the more chance i had that i didn't get the job.

plus i'm confussed as hell about this psychiatry thing. my counselor recommended me to another one cause the first one wasn't taking new patients. the second one can prescribe medication but doesn't do counseling. now what good is that. they told me they have counselors there but that the dr that i was speaking of only prescribed medications. don't ask me. i don't know any more about this than the man in the moon. i'm so fed up with everything. i'm tired of people telling me i can't do something. that i'm not qualified to do this that or the other. i've heard it all my life and i wonder why i'm battling self dout right now in my adult years. I think i'll just stick with my counselor I have and have my own family doctor prescribe whatever. which reminds me i need to get my new zoloft filled tonight. shoot i could take something stronger than that at the moment. i'm so angry with everything.

its not fair. i really wanted that job and i understand someone with a degree in that field could've just as easily applied. i know i wasn't the only one but darn it sucks. sorry for my language. I mean just because i didn't go through college doesn't mean i'm not capable of doing any job ok maybe doctor's and nursing jobs and things like i would still need schooling but i'm realistic about that. so here i sit for that much longer behind the computer looking at these dreadful green walls and feeling even more trapped now than ever.

I mean i guess that's good i didn't get the job i do have a week of christmas vacation coming up in december going to california with my husband. so i might as well hang out here and work on getting me better and then after the first of the year figure out what i'm going to do. I don't want to up and quit i may have to though but what if i quit and still don't have any luck there goes the worrying in me.

i'm really disappointed. i'm sick of disappointments in my life. i mean all i want to do is find a job that i truly enjoy and something that is meaningful to me. i know i'm better than what i'm doing now but then again what do i know maybe god is punishing me right now.

sorry i really had to let off some steam. I now i feel completely sad and down again i can't wait to go home and get a hug from my husband at least he believes in me.

Yea, I'm going along with it. I verified with my counselor on that and she said that was the route we wanted to go at the moment. I'm going to call them back today and try and set up an appointment. I'm feeling a bit better today. I'm still disappointed though but I'm up and at work so that's good. I'm just going to concentrate on me for a while and not worry so much about finding a job at the moment. Its just to much pressure for me right now. Its not like i don't have a descent job at the moment so I'm just going to hang tight for the time being. I'll keep y'all posted.

of course that was written yesterday when I was so mad and down. I'm feeling different about things today. Sometimes I feel better after I write like that. It helps a little. One of these days I'm going to get to the point where I can write happy poems.

have a good day all.

Thank you for the support rosie. i do appreciate that. I never know if anyone ever reads my post but it does help to have some place to express my feelings and thoughts. I do journal quite a bit and that helps too. Oh i want this day to hurry up and end. Its so pretty outside and here I sit inside.