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Posted 7/28/2005 1:00 PM (GMT -8)
Deep breath Angel!!

I used to take a break at a time like that and find the stairway at work. Walk up and down flights of stairs until your wear off that anxiety. Also, contact your therapist or print a copy of your posts from here and bring it with you to your next visit.

Hang in there . . . on step at a time will get you anywhere you want to go.

Blessings!
Posted 7/29/2005 3:39 AM (GMT -8)
hey rosie I wish I could do that, but i'm on phones at work and I couldn't be away from my desk that long. i know i need to find a more active job for me one that allows me to be up and moving around throughout the day. I mean even at home I don't sit for hours at a time. I'm constantly up and moving. I'm feeling down today and just worn out. i'm glad its the end of the week. I didn't sleep to good last night and I'm going to try and sleep in a little bit tomorrow. i just feel sad today today. TGIF
Posted 7/29/2005 8:10 AM (GMT -8)
Gotcha Angel. You could try lunch time exdercise and even a little at breaks. I don't know if you are alone in an office or if other people can see you, but could you run in place? Sounds weird, but it can help get rid of ansiety.

Have a great weekend friend.

Blessings!
Posted 8/2/2005 8:45 AM (GMT -8)
hi everyone hope all is well. i'm having an ok week. my weekend was great. spent a lot of quality time with my hubby we rented a bunch of movies and totally took time for ourselves and just had a big movie fest. I had one moment over the weekend which thankfully it was a passing moment when I felt like such a burden on everyone. I started thinking about our finances and all the doctor's appointments I had coming up and so on and so fourth but I didn't dwell on it long. Which is unusual for me. Other than that it was a good weekend. I see my counselor again tonight. She had me working on my first assignment and like usual I have procrastinated. I started on it over the weekend a little bit but I'll have to fill in the blanks before i go meet her. I'm still not sure my zoloft is the right med for me but I have been feeling a little better. I see my psych doctor next week I guess the only thing to do is follow his instructions. I haven't had any bouts of anxiety this week then again its still early in the week but i do feel like the dark cloud is lifting at least until reviews come along at work and I'm told I didn't get a raise. I try not to think about the reviews to much their still probably a couple of weeks away but I know its just around the corner and I'm so nervous about them. anyway hang in there.
Posted 8/2/2005 6:23 PM (GMT -8)
Progress!!! Yeah!!! I know you are waiting for more progress to declare the zoloft a success, but I'm glad you are gleaning a bit of hope recently. Sounds like your weedend went well too!!

Thanks for the update! Oh . . . and don't let the worry over the review spoil your next two weeks!!

Blessings!
Posted 8/3/2005 8:35 AM (GMT -8)
hey all. i met with my counselor last night. Its all still moving forward. We're going to start a new therapy in two weeks when I see her again. Its called EMDR Eye movement therapy. It is a very new form of therapy from what I've read on it. Its supposed to be a much faster way of getting to the core of the real issue at hand. It helps dig into those memories that we've all probably pushed into the far back corners of our mind. I tell you the human body is truly a wonder as well as life itself. the things we go through our experiences its all odd when you really stop and think about it. I want to talk to my dad about his side of the family cause the more I've talked to my counselor the more I realize I don't know that much about my dad's side of the family. I may just ask him a few things this weekend. I'm curious and I want to know. I think I take more after my dad's side than my mom's side but that's neither her nor there right now. I'm scared about trying this therapy. I'm sure its effective but their's a reason we push those memories so far into the back of our mind. I wouldn't say my childhood was great it definately wasn't an easy time for me and so much of it I seem to have forgotten. I don't know its going to be very interesting in the next few sessions as well as in between sessions. She suggested I keep a journal during this time which I do already and write down anything that takes place between sessions. she says I may have more vivid dreams during this time which bothers me. I don't dream much at all these days. I don't get to sleep to the dream stage of the night at least I don't feel like I do. Since this a new form of therapy I will keep y'all up to date. I know its two weeks away and I shouldn't worry about it but i haven't really thought or focused much on that part of my life in so long. she even suggested that I mention this to my psych dr she said I may have more anxiety and such and might need my meds adjusted a bit while going through this process. Part of me thinks what the heck have I gotten into and if I mention any of this to anyone I'm sure they'd think i'd lost my mind, but if this is the way to get to the root of the problem to make me feel better then I'm all for it. I will keep y'all posted.
Posted 8/3/2005 8:57 AM (GMT -8)
a good site for information on EMDR therapy is www.healthyplace.com
Posted 8/5/2005 3:38 AM (GMT -8)
TGIF and I'm glad it's friday. It's going to be a long day though. I woke up at 3 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I finally got up by 3:30 their was no point laying in bed tossing and turning for 45 minutes. I'm ready for a nap. I haven't woke up like that in a while. Their are some advantages to waking up at that time. I got quite a bit done around the house things I was to worn out to do last night. I even made a run to the store to get a couple of things. I know by the time I make it home this evening I'll be plum exhausted. anyway, just saying hello. i keep thinking about my EMDR that my counselor wants to start in a week and wondering what really has triggered my depression. I know it sounds silly but I feel like it was back when I was held back in the 3rd grade. It seems like ever since then I've been playing catch up with everyone else that I'm always a step or two behind, that I'm not good enough or capable enough does that make sense. I don't really remember to much about the way that made me feel at the time. I know I was sad cause all my other class mates got to move on to the 4th grade but me only because they didn't feel I was ready to for the 4th grade and that may have been the case but still that's hard for any child at that age to cope with being left behind. anyway that's my take on all this. i know this treatment is going to be interesting as well as an eye opener. I want to feel like I am smart enough and capable enough to handle things that maybe my parents or supervisor or whom ever may think i'm not. I have a lot of self doubt and self esteem issues that I want to work on. I'm just ready to tackle this thing head on and be a better stronger person
Posted 8/10/2005 3:44 AM (GMT -8)
good morning happy wednesday. i'm so sleepy this morning. I had another restless night of sleep last night. I see my psych doctor this afternoon. I'm going to see about trying a different med cause I just don't think zoloft is the med for me plus I found out that zoloft can interfear(sp?) with synthroid medication causing the synthroid not to work as well as it should. My mom had read an article about it. I'm going to mention that to my doctor and see what he thinks. have a good day
Posted 8/11/2005 8:50 AM (GMT -8)
hey having a really rough day today. I think it has to do with lack of sleep more than anything. I've been waking up around 3 every morning this week and I think it's catching up to me. I saw my psych doctor yesterday. I told him that I didn't feel like zoloft was for me cause I'm still not 100% i'm a bit more stabble than i was about a month ago but i'm tired all the time and he said part of that was probably a side effect from zoloft and the lack of sleep i've been getting or not getting. so what does he do he up's my dosage to 150 and wants me to try taking it at night instead of during the day and then he gives me a few samples of a mild sleeping pill to help me stay asleep. i told him i don't have problems going to sleep its staying asleep of course that kind of goes hand in hand with depression as it is. I really don't like the idea of trying sleeping pills at all but I may take one tonight. i've got to get a good nights sleep. i feel very irritable today. I see him again in a month. I asked him about zoloft and taking synthroid and he said that they shouldn't have any effect on each other. I didn't argue with him I mean he is the doctor. plus its noisier at work today than usual and for some reason it's really grating on my nerves. I'm in one of those moods today I would love a quiet place and be left alone. I get that way sometimes when i just don't want to be bothered by anyone and want to be lost in my thoughts. I feel like that today. anyway just wanted to say hi. i'm kind of glad hubby goes to work tonight. I can have a couple of hours of quiet time at home and try and get to bed early. i think a solid nights sleep would do me some good. I may try the sleeping pills over the weekend and then see how I do without the first couple of days next week. He did just give me a handful.
Posted 8/11/2005 12:22 PM (GMT -8)
Blessings sis!
Posted 8/12/2005 8:52 AM (GMT -8)
feeling a little better today. i'm still tired and waking up early. I didn't take a sleeping pill last night but I am going to take one tonight and hopefully get some good sleep. I did take my zoloft last night and I don't feel like I did yesterday. Its only been one night that I've taken it at night. i'll see how i do over the weekend. it maybe that I have to take it at night instead of during the day. i just know i'm glad it's friday. I'm going to buckle down this weekend and try to get some stuff accomplished. that's my plan anyway.
Posted 8/12/2005 1:49 PM (GMT -8)
Hey there Angel,

Glad the sun is shinning a little brighter in your life. Thanks for keeping us posted.
Posted 8/15/2005 3:50 AM (GMT -8)
I feel awful today. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night, my stomach is upset, but I'm at work at least for the moment I am. I may go home if I don't get to feeling a bit better. I just don't understand any of this. I want to get better. I want to get better with the depression. I want to get better with the thyroid situation. I want to get better with sleep. I just want to feel well and healthy and today I simply don't feel like that. I see my counselor tonight. I'm glad. I know god doesn't give us more than we can handle, but this is almost to much for me. I don't understand why I have to go through these things. I can't I be a regular person, a healthy person. Why does everything have to seem so much harder for me. I may be going home. Im at work but the rest of me just isn't in it today. I'll have to talk to my supervisor this morning and see what kind of vacation time I might have left, but at the same time that wouldn't do me any good either. I'll just have to turn around and come in tomorrow. I need a job where I don't have to commute, where I don't have to get up at 4:15 every morning. Its going to be a long day today. Oh well at least I do see my counselor tonight. I'm just ready to get well. I'm ready for things to be stabble. I can't remember the last time things were stabble in my life.
Posted 8/17/2005 3:41 AM (GMT -8)
hi all. i started my emdr therapy monday night. All i can say is 1-its pretty intense and 2- I have a lot of work ahead of me. I think it will be good for me but its going to be some hard work. I did a lot of crying and was plum worn out by the time I got home monday evening. Then tuesday I just simply felt frustrated with things for some reason. I can't explain it. Not so much frustrated with my counseling, I don't know I just felt frustrated is all. I see her again around the end of august for another session. its interesting i'll say that much. anyway that's all i have for now. I haven't felt much like writing the last couple of days. I've just been doing a lot of thinking though.
Posted 8/18/2005 8:43 AM (GMT -8)
needing to vent a little. . . . i am plum frustrated right now. Not so much with my counseling but with my work situation. i'm sick of it. I don't know how much more I can take and if I don't find another job by the end of august I'm just going to have to stick it out through christmas where I am. I won't bore you with any details and its not really directed at me personally but as our department as a whole. Its ridiculous and I'm actually starting to talk more at home about things that are bothering me at work and I don't typically do that unless things have just gotten to the point where I can't deal with them on my own. Its not that I can't deal with things that are going on it's a I shouldn't have to "put up" with so much bs and b-i'm not sure how to fix it. its taking me a lot longer than I had hoped it would to make some changes. I don't know things are very gloomy at work and moral is way down and i don't see it getting any better any time soon. you know the old saying it has to get worse before it gets better. lord if that's the case. anyway just needed to vent. I'm going to do some writing in my journal tomorrow night about stuff. I'll have some time to myself hubby has to go back to work tomorrow. i'll just say this much we can't have in coming personal calls its not that we can't but its very much frowned upon and we can't make out going personal calls, we can't use our cell phones in our department, and i found out today that last night after the 4pm shift left a supervisor was going around getting names of people that were spending to much time visiting. That's just the tip of the ice burg with things going on around here. I know i'm here to work and i understand the need for rules but enough is enough. i mean 90% of the people i work with have children how can you tell them they can't take personal calls in or out and then not use there cell phones. that's not right of course a lot of things that go on around here aren't right. ok enough venting. thank god tomorrow is friday.
Posted 8/22/2005 8:40 AM (GMT -8)
hey all hope everyone had a good weekend. mine was ok. i didn't do much of anything really. I felt pretty good all weekend no real sad or down times felt pretty level headed and then I get work and start feeling iky and anxiety kicks in. I hate that work does that to me. Oh well, I do have a game plan as far as work is concerned. I'm sticking it out a few more months. Reviews are in a couple of weeks and that will make or break my decision as to how much longer I'll be here. If I don't get a raise I'll turn in my two week notice and move on. I can't stay somewhere that's not going to be able to provide me with the "cost of living increase" and with the gas prices rising like they are its really gotten expensive for me to drive five days a week to work. If I do get a raise even a small one I'll stick it out till the end of the year and then quit and go through a temp agency for a while until I can find that full time job that suits me. I came up with that over the weekend. I figure I can hang out for another four months, but I don't get a raise this year screw um. Simple as that. I've done the work they've asked and more and if for whatever petty reason they don't give me a raise they'll be lucky to get a two week notice from me. I've never been like that with a job but that will be two years in a row I haven't gotten a raise and that just isn't going to cut it for a commuter. I mean shoot I put $25 of gas in my car sunday and that didn't even come close to filling it up. I'll have to fill up again by wednesday or thursday. other than that I don't have much news. I haven't had any insights really as far as the emdr treatment is concerned of course i've only had one session with it and we've only really scratch the surface. part of me wants to quit all that together. I dont' know why but i do. Its like is this really doing me any good. I mean I guess it is for the fact i have someone i can talk to about life stresses but other than that is honestly doing me any good. I have my douts to be honest. I probably won't quit my counseling for fear of relapse but i don't know just questioning the whole thing i suppose. I'm sure that's normal after a couple of months. I like my counselor a lot its not that its me. I've lived so long with this negative thinking and dark side to myself is it really possible for me to change.
Posted 8/22/2005 1:14 PM (GMT -8)
hang in there hon- you just described how i feel some days to a t... i just want the pain to end and feel so pathetic that i havent even got the guts to kill myself... but then my boyfriend says that suicide is a completly selfish act- or maybe my counsillor said that- your too loving towards your family to do that... thats where i always stop... i want to just end it all- but then i think about my mum and dad, neices and my whole family- i dont want my neices growing up thinking that they had a crazy aunt that had to kill herself- i want them to feel safe and loved and settled... and i could never do that to my boyfriend- he supports me so much- sometimes i become blind as to how much i drain him.... but hang in there... councilling will be a complete release and help you move forwrd- i dont know what i'd do without it xxx
Posted 8/24/2005 4:49 AM (GMT -8)
thank you for the kind words. i will continue counseling but I guess I'm just wanting to see more of a progress than I am at the moment. I knew it was going to be a long slow progress for me. I've been dealing with this for so long and I'm one of those that i want results and I want it now kind of thing. I'm doing ok today. I have a little bit of anxiety going on this morning but not so bad that I had to miss work. I'm here just kind of lost in my thoughts this morning for some reason. keep me posted and thank you again for the kind words.
Posted 8/24/2005 9:10 AM (GMT -8)
i'm having a rough day today. my anxiety is really kicking in and I don't feel good at all. The only thing I feel like doing right now is going home putting on my lounging clothes and curling up on the sofa for a long afternoon nap and not be bothered. I could tell when I woke up this morning and the way I was moving it was going to be a rough day. I'm not irritable exactly I just feel off today like I'm just going through the motions, i feel unsteady and just want to be left alone. Work is going ok it doesn't have anything to do with that. its just one of those weird days like i'm just walking through a dream kind of mindset. does that make sense. I took my zoloft last night and I really think that has something to do with it. I'm really really bad about not taking it regularly. I didn't take it at all over the weekend and all in all felt pretty good all weekend. I've taken it the last two nights and the next day I just don't feel right. I don't see my psych doctor until gosh september. I'm thinking I might cancele my psych doctor though. I mean if it's just for medication purposes I'll just go through my family doctor. I can't afford all these copay's. I really do just want to go home and have some peace and quiet this afternoon. When i am having anxiety trouble that's what i want just soft to no lighting and peace and quiet. I'm stuck here at work until 5 though. I'm trying real hard to make it through the rest of the week, but if I wake up tomorrow like I did this morning. I"m staying home. I just haven't been focusing on anything today its like physically i'm at work but mentally i'm everywhere else but. I really don't need to miss any work right now I don't exactly have days to spare but on days like this i'm not doing anybody any good. I'm kind in a zombie state of mind. Its not really an anxiety attack or panic attack trust me if where a panic attack I'd have been home a long time ago. anyway just needed to rammble a bit
Posted 8/24/2005 9:39 AM (GMT -8)
When I get like that my Dr does consider it an anxiety attack -- obviuously not a full-blown one, but still something is there that clouds my mind.

What is your zoloft prescrobed for? I'm not sure, but it may be something that you have to take regularly until your system gets used to it before it can really help you out.

In any case, I certainly uderstand your feelings and wanted to let you know there is someone out there (here!) listening to you. That's how I felt from about 2pm yesterday on -- by bedtime I'd cancelled this mornings mtgs so I could sleep in if that's waht my body wanted. I got to spend some time chilling without feeling like my brain needed to be somewhere else.

Of course, I then did sometimg stupid - put cat litter down the toliet when I know it stops it up enough so that I have to call the plumber. Arg.

Anyway, I hope you get some time to chill when you get off work -- there is nothing quiet like a warm cozy sofa/bed with a cup of soothing tea....I'm wishing that feeling to you now.

Hang in there
Posted 8/26/2005 8:37 AM (GMT -8)
hey lynnwood thanks for the encouragement. I'm assuming the zoloft is to help alivate some of the drepressive symptoms I tend to have. I didn't take it the night before and I must admit I felt better yesterday than I did the last couple of days I had taken it. I know I mention that to my doctor he'll be like then what the heck are you here for and I'll have to say to find the right med for me. Sometimes I have to wonder if its just me if all this is just in my head. I know the anxiety isn't just me but I don't know just having douts about everything which is typical of me. I'm hoping to get some down time this weekend. I won't get much though I have earends to catch up on, house to clean, my parents are moving this weekend so I'm kind of down about that. It hasn't really hit as of yet but I know it will come monday and I'm like wow they are going. Sure their only moving two hours away but I"m so used to having them right there all the time. I'm used to just popping over on the weekends for a little while to say hello. I won't be able to do that any more. I won't be able to carpool with my dad to work any more. their's just lots of things I'll miss when they move. goodness it's noisey around work today and I'm just not in the mood for it. Just a few more hours and i can get away from it all for a day or two. Thank you again for the kind words. I plan on relaxing a bit tomorrow night hubby goes back to work tomorrow so i'll get some much needed quiet time. I've had to think wa to much this week and i'm just plum tired today.
Posted 8/29/2005 8:56 AM (GMT -8)
i'm so bloomin frustrated right now. its only monday and I shouldn't be feeling this way but what can I say work has that effect on me. Not all work does just where I currently am. I've been trying to get ahold of someone at HR at a regional hospital where i live concerning a couple of openings they have and I can't seem to get anyone to call me back. I'm thinking ok maybe that's not a good sign. I've got to do something. I"m about to pull my hair out where I am now. I go see my counselor tomorrow night. it's a good thing too. I just am at my wits end and I don't know how to make things better aside from up and quiting where I currently am and going to a temp agency for a while until i can find full time work. I hate doing that though. I don't do things like that. The way I've been going about finding another job just doesn't seem to be working for me. my parents have moved and I've lost my carpool buddy. I used to ride with my dad a lot during the week to work. With the gas prices continuing to go up its really going to start hurting the pocket book which has me stressed. I just put $32 of gas in my car sunday and I'll have to do that again come thursday or friday that's close to 65$ a week on gas X's that by 4 weeks that's roughly $260 a month I'm putting in my car for gas commuting. then my boss is like make sure you have back up work when your daily work is done and believe me I've asked for more work but no one seems to have the time to get something together for me. i'm just frustrated to no end right now. I"m glad I"ve got a doctor's appointment this afternoon and will be getting out of here a little early. I just can't take it today. gee i'm in a mood today and I had such a good stress free weekend and rested well and then its right back up to where things typically are for me during the week. work is definately a stressor for me. just needed to vent.
Posted 8/29/2005 5:08 PM (GMT -8)
Glad the weekend went well for you sis. Hopefully there will be more work for you the rest of the week. Hugs for you!!

Blessings!
Posted 8/30/2005 8:58 AM (GMT -8)
just a quick note. i am reschudling my counseling appointment for this week only because I've had a couple of other appointments that I forgot about. I hate doing that cause the next appt she has avalible is Sept 12th. I just have to much going on this week to make it. I guess that was bound to happen sooner or later. work is still same ol same ol. other than that today has gone much better than yesterday. I had a bad doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon, but I'm fixing to change that. Then i get home and make my husband's coffee or at least attempt; he works nights anyway i forgot to put the coffee pot back on the burner and when i went back to check on the coffee their was coffee all over the counter top, the holder that holds the filters was full of coffee it was the biggest mess I've ever made in the kitchen. It just topped of my bad day yesterday. I finally sat down around 7 last night and said enough. but today has gone smoother; my alarm went off at the right time and the day is half way over. I better go.
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