I feel your pain, and I have lived with some of your pain. We ask over and over "why me". I know I have. I have asked, "Lord, what did I do that was so terrible that I am living like this". After a while, you just get used to it and get numb. Finally, you bottom out and then, you either go down the drain or you can rise up on inch at a time. I chose to rise. I got all the support I needed from my Mom. She is the one person who doesn't judge. She re-led me to the Lord as I had backslid a long time ago. I have asked myself, "Is this all there is to life, cause if it is, forget it"! As I began to rise one inch at a time, I began to see that there were other people in the same situations making the best of a bad situation. A few more inches, I started to see that there were people WORSE off than me that were surviving and making the best of it. As I came up inch by inch, I started to see things a bit clearer. I started to realize that so many other people have so many problems and have no way out. I started to STOP feeling sorry for myself and start feeling compassion for others. After all, when it was all said and done. I was still breathing. We wnt through some very bad times.
My brother was born with a rare disease, died a week shy of his 18th B'day. I go married, had 2 girls, took all I could from my X drinking and beating, married again to my now husband of 23 yrs and put up with his drinking, womanizing, gambling ways. Lost our new home, my business, 2 new trucks, he lost his job to a DUI, we lost all our money and credit and were doing whatever we could to make it. Then 4 years ago the Lord came to me as I was sobbing on the floor not knowing what to do. I wanted to die and I didn't care. My girls were grown married with kids of their own and didn't speak to me or my husband as we "embrassed the family". We were judged by all the family, all 25 or so of them. I was addicted to pain killers and slipped into my little world. The Lord comforted me and I had this peace about me. I started to read my dad's bible that I haden't picked up since my mom gave it to me because he wrote in there that he was dedicating it to me. I cried for days, thinking what a brat I was. Finally, I started taking one day at a time, trying to help my husband to do the same. He had a call from an old friend in Vermont and said that there was a sales job open with a very big company in the north east. The company flew him up for the interview and back the same day. He was hired on the spot, we thought it was good to leave the place that we thought wasn't kind to us anymore and the family that cursed us and was ashamed of us. We moved and I am telling you for the first 2 years it was rough. Now, we love our home, his job is great, the company is good to all their emmployees and I get to stay home and collect my disability which I so righly deserved since I did earn it. God has been so good to us. I thank Him in the AM, all day in between and at night when I go to bed. He is the one constant in my life. He'll never leave me nor will he forsake me. When I have a problem, I call on him. Occasionally I blow my stack as I did today on the boards. I just keep saying, "what's going to happen to these children".
Barbra, once I gave my life to the Lord, I was totally grounded with just a few bumps in the road. The issue is, I don't make a big deal about them. Just every once in a while. I do not allow being disrespected, cussing in my home and my husband knows what he can't and cannot say because I believe it is disrespectful to the Lord and me. I pray without ceasing and I know he owns my life and when he calls my number, I will be ready to go. Yes, I have cried and asked Him to come and get me, but I soon learned that he wasn't ready for me.
I do hope this helps you a bit and that you can find comfort here and where you are. We are always here is you need us!