I am knew to this forum, and I feel like there is no one that I know that understands me. I feel like I keep trying to reach out to people, but no one can understand what I am going through, so I really hope that someone here is.
I have depression, boarderline traits, extreme irritability and a rollercoaster of moodswings.
I have tried counselling (the techniques have not helped me)
Zoloft - 1 year
Effexor 1 1/2 years at 75 mg
Effexor 2 months - 37.5mg
Now starting to see a naturopath to fix any nutritional deficiencies.
I hate SSRIs, I HATE them. They make me feel like I am a totally different person. When I am on them I feel like my life is content, but not great, and not bad. My life is more like a straight line, with no extreme happiness or highs. When I switched off the pills to the 37.5mg dose my life hit the highs which was great, but also went straight back down to the lows. I was so low I talking about hurting myself. Even though I don't think I will ever actually hurt myself, the feeling of being so low and not knowing where to go or what to do overwhelms me. On these pills I feel like I can not determine who is me and who is the pill. I feel like I am 2 different people. I am sick of it. I sweat, I forget them somedays and god forbid that happens. I have my brain zaps etc.
I am trying to see if maybe nutrition helps but its almost my last straw.
I am ruining my boyfriends life. We have been together for over 3 years and he has been through so much crap with me. I feel like an absolute disgusting person by how I treat him when I am at my lows. I cannot stand the thought after of what I have done. I feel so horrible about myself. I am not sure if I should leave him and let him go on to be happy. He wants me to be happy so bad and wants the best for me, but is it time that I start to think about him first? This is hell for him. Not to even start how hard and tiring this is on me.
What Should I Do???