you actually made me smile, in the best way. I like my sitcoms, what's wrong with those??? lol I really consider Miranda my friend... !
Okay, I think you have made valid points here. I am certainly not somebody who usually chooses an ordinary, usual way... That is true. And when the complications come, I fight with them. I don't turn away from obstacles, when I identify something that is in the way or makes me uneasy, I tend to face it.
Having said that, I am not a career-driven ice queen. I see people, hear people, experience little beautiful things throughout the day... The cat purring, the colours of my knitting wool, the blue sky here, the sunflower I planted outside... I go and buy herbs and talk to random people, repeat words when others speak and look them up later... It can be fun here and I usually don't mind my own company. I see this as an opportunity to finally let my creative side speak and get into fashion design or interior design or something artistic... Other people do it, why couldn't I? My partner is very supportive of this. We have problems like everybody, it is not an every day fairy tale, but we genuinely care about
each other and so coming here was just another challenge for me, he is worth it. I have done this before, I was sure I can do it again. English, for instance, is not my first language. I have learned English, I can learn another language too, its only a matter of time...
But somehow, slowly, I grew tired. Talking to people became mechanical rather then natural, I began to push myself to function. I started having these low mood episodes more and more frequently. It drains my energy, I withdrew from people. I began to be much less tolerant of them influencing my life... Before I would put myself aside to provide others with what they needed... Now I resist everything that is beyond my capabilities, like my partners child. The same story with my sister, she is shocked that I am not rushing to make things right because that is what I always did. But now I can't... I don't want to anymore.
Like you say, how am I going to do everything I know I can when I am depressed and my mind wonders in the darkness most of the time... I have changed a lot over the last few months, things get to me more... It scares me, I wonder if I will ever get better... My partner says it is because I never took time to realize how wounded I was and finally now, away from everybody, I am uncovering the patches and going through a healing process. I think he is right. But I get frustrated with it because it is all very new and painful...
Post Edited (JARA Cimrman) : 5/13/2013 9:39:20 AM (GMT-6)