This is my first post on this forum, but not my first time post in a forum about depression. I'll start with a little background. I've been married with my beautiful wife since '04. We met in college were together about 2.5 yrs before we got married. We decided to hold off on having kids for about 5 yrs so we could become finacially stable. Along the way, things were up and down, but I didn't consider it more or worse than any other marriage. In '06 she'd become very distant and became home sick (she's from Mexico). She felt like she was loosing her identity since I wasn't conversational in Spanish. At that point she started talking about divorce. She was disappointed in me. I had a good job, but I wasn't happy with it and didn't do anything about it. I'd been with her about 5 yrs and still didn't speak Spanish. Basically she was done... It wasn't too much longer that she wanted to go on a trip to NYC without me. I found out she was having an emotional affair with a former classmate from Mexico and went to see him. Long story short I found out about the affair...she swore it was a big mistake, she loved me and wanted to make it work. We moved on from that. I gave her my 100% trust again. Fast forward 2-3 more yrs, and the talk of divorce came up again. It would come and go. Then she was studying for a professional exam... This is where I first got a glimpse of her depression. This is one of the hardest of professional exams and she is a very smart and determined person, however, she wasn't able to pass. She made it on the 3 attempt, but the 1.5 yrs of constent studying and taking the test, and waiting for the results was hell. I did most of the house work around that time to help her and relieve as much stress as I could. This is when I first saw the uncontrollable crying. It only happened a couple times during that time, so I really didn't think much of it. After the test was over and done she was back up. We'd gotten our house and cars paid off....Debt Free!!! So it was finally time to start trying for the family. We tried and tried for almost a year. In that time the doctor told her that everything was fine with her and these things just take time. Well around that 10 month mark of trying I went and got tested myself. Found out I was infertile. I am able to have children but likely only with IVF. This devistated both of us. She was very supportive of me at first, but quickly started to feel her own lose. Compound that lose with the uncertainty that she'd always felt for our marriage and this is what brought her depression to the front. She lost all interest in friends, gardening, etc. She would cry for most of the weekend, bury herself in her iPad reading about infertility and divorce. I ended up getting a surgery to hopefully correct the issue but after the year long wait for recovering, I was losing her quickly to the disease. I pushed and pushed for her to get help...Pleaded with her to not throw away our marriage. And then as a last ditch effort, I convinced her to go to one of those Marriage Bootcamps. This was hugely helpful for me personally, but didn't appear to help the marriage at first. At the bootcamp, I realized that I'd lost myself. I was giving to her in the wrong way and in the process lost all the things I was passionate about. After the bootcamp, and per our agreement, I moved out to give her space. I moved in with a friend and after about 2 weeks she asked me to move back. I made it clear when I moved back that I wouldn't move out again because it wasn't fair to me to have to move out everytime she was feeling low. She'd grown some from the bootcamp, but was definitely still suffering and going up and down. I was reading a lot about depression to educate myself. I learned that I should take anything personal that she says when I think she's in a depressive state. That one tip helped me greatly in focusing on being positive. The second thing I learned was that I couldn't "make" her get help. So I got help myself so she could hopefully see the change in me. I changed jobs, started working out some, and finally started learning Spanish. I felt like I was finally in control of myself and my mind. I realized that the only help I could offer was to just be there for her, help her when she was down, not judge and not push advice. She had to find that for herself. Well in the last few months she started seeing a therapist. Things were going really good. She got back into gardening, she started hanging out with friends, reading motivational books, cleaning out garage and in the past weeks we'd started seriously talking about renovating our house and adding a second floor. It felt like my wife was coming back again. That ended this weekend... At first, I thought, this is just an low that will pass, just as they have in the past. I figured, that Saturday would be hell, but Sunday she'd come around. Well, first she cancelled dinner plans we had on Saturday and she basically spent both days in her iPad and crying off and on. Sunday afternoon she took a shower and then came to talk to me. She said that since I wouldn't move out that she was. He parents recently bought a house her and that she would move in there until she could get all the divorce papers in line. I tried to reason with her and get her to realize that she'd just spent the last few months rebuilding our life together and she basically said she was just pretending that everything could be good, but she realized that it can't be. So I moved my car and let her go. She didn't contact me last night or this morning so far.
This gets me to my point.... I've faught so hard for her and this marriage, but I don't know if she's right or I'm right. She thinks that I'm selfish and only help her because I don't want to lose her. And that if she was the one with infertility that she would have left me so that I could have what I want in life. Sometimes I can't tell if the depression is what's causing her to say these things or if they are really true...and that she does want to move on with someone else to get that family she so desparately wants. Keep in mind that we could likely have a successful IVF and go on to have children like so many others. She just can't bring herself to commit to IVF when she's so uncertain about us. My dilemna is whether or not to stop fighting this and give her the separate that she wants. A few weeks back we where having a nice dinner on the patio and drinking some wine. She told me a story from a book that her therapist had given her called "Who moved my cheese" It seemed like a great book and I could tell it really resonated with her. After her story we'd started to talk about her therapy for the first time (I don't ever push her to talk about it) She basically told me that she was worried that I would leave her....THAT I WOULD LEAVE HER!! That was the first time I'd ever heard something like that from her. I assured her that I was with her for life and would battle this to the end. She fell asleep in my arms on the patio that night.
I love her with all my heart, but I couldn't live with myself if I knew that I was in fact the source of her pain. She told me yesterday that I am the only person that makes her wish she was dead.... How do you respond to that? It's painful to hear, but I can't show her that. I know it's the depression talking, but what if it's not? What if she really believes that. If so why wouldn't I just leave her to try and find happiness?
What do the experts here think? Oh and sorry for this being so long...also I didn't proofread because of that, so sorry for that as well...