Hi and thanks for the kind responses, Karen, Carl, & JB1.
Yes, I live in the US and yes, I am grateful for unemployment benefits. The benefits do not cover all my living expenses, given that I have a mortgage and the unbelievable taxes. I guess I am just coming to terms with how hard it is to make it as a single older woman.
I was suffering with fatigue along with the depression (I am basing the depression diagnosis on what I experienced 18 years ago. I was on Zoloft for a couple of years, (GP prescribed) gained a lot of weight and finally scared off meds by the bad press. So I am fearful of going back on antidepressents.) An acquaintance told me about her thyroid problems so I contacted her doctor. He says I have adrenal fatigue. (He's a naturopath) Not sure if he's a quack or not...
Many issues have similar symptoms-depression, thyroid, 'adrenal fatigue', allergies. I guess I was hoping to find a medical reason for my sad life. So does the sleeping problem make me depressed? Can I not stay asleep because I'm depressed? The fatigue makes me not want to do anything. Who wants to be with someone that doesn't want to do anything? Who wants to hire someone that is sad and tired? This is what goes through my mind.
Carl, I'm still pursuing my Creator, it just feels to me that He's turned His Face away. I do go to church, not as often, becuase I feel so all alone in the midst of couples and families. I see loss every time I look around.
I have 2 sons, and never expected to have such an awkward relationship with them. While they were growing up we were very close. My goal was to have them grow up as little screwed up from the divorce as possible, so I made sure that they weren't involved with any issues between their father and me. But I do not feel close to them anymore. They are both married with small kids and have assimilated into their wives' families. I see them all, but I don't feel any real concern or love from them. I feel like a stranger, not really knowing anything important about their lives until after the fact. I feel like they see me because they have to.
I hid the abuse from them then (it wasn't physical and their dad was a very good father to them), maybe that wasn't the best decision. But boys need their father and I didn't want them to be my emotional support. The problem is, I didn't have any emotional support and I think I am paying for that now.
Please forgive me for doing all the talking. I want to be friends with you all, giving the kind of supporting kindness that you are showing me. I don't like this person that I am right now, so self centered.
Anyway, thanks again for letting me rant.