Posted 6/13/2013 12:46 PM (GMT -6)
I might already know the answer to this..
But still feel I need an outside opinion..
When I first met my boyfriend it was a couple of years ago. I was on spring break and met him in his native Belgium. We kept in touch, a lot of things happened when we met, but I felt like it wasn't too much of a big deal to him. Though he still stayed really sweet and we called each other and emailed each other every few days. 2 weeks after I met him, he decided to come out to California to see me for 10 days. After that, we weren't sure where we stood. So he decided to break things off from whatever was happening between us. I felt as if he went to go out that weekend to do everything horrible I could think of to me.
So by the end of summer that year, I told him that I was ready to book a flight to see him. He hesitated when I said I wanted to come by in September, he then told me that he already had a trip planned to India with a couple other guys. I asked if I could join, but he said it was strictly a guys' thing so I gave in and booked my tickets for November instead. He went on his 3 week trip to India and I get there November.
My stay there was for a month. Though 2 weeks in, I learn through his phone he let me borrow that he had a relationship with a lesbian. Nothing too serious, but the trip to India was just with her, was even mainly her idea. He had been lying to me the whole time I knew him about this secret non-serious relationship. He even spent a weekend trip with her the weekend before I met him. He even emailed me about the first day in India he was arguing with his 'friend' and they eventually separated. They never talked since. And I felt like I just came in to replace her, as some random body.
I felt so decieved, but no one ever dared to even think of doing that to me before - so I decided to let him know me better and extended my stay till my tourist visa expired.
I had to stay out of the area till I was eligible to be in the country again. 3 months. Then I came back to live with him. We had a co-habitant legally lived together with him as my sponsor. It was hard to get the paperwork to get this done, and during this time I was jobless in a foreign country where I didn't speak the native languages. I went to look through his emails and learned that he had been weaving around different girls before I knew him, and I was one of them.
That made it really hard.. Eventually I got my residence card and started working in the country as a bartender and waitress.. I had never had these jobs, only office jobs and I wasn't used to it. It was easy and the pay was ok. I still longed for a 'normal' job for me, so in the mean time I was learning Dutch 14 hours a week on top of my ~30hr bar job.
I resented him for the job for some reason, because he got paid 300 Euros extra every month just for having me as a dependent, I didn't have the same hours as him and that I was offended that he was ok that I wouldn't see him that much. Jealous that he is an egineer and that I had to resort to a bar job from being an Information Tech. They had a staff party at work a couple days after I started and I loved how I met these people. It was hard not to compare how I met my staff members and how lively they were.. than to my boyfriend who decieved me for the first half year/6 months we knew each other.
I didn't have a lot of time to hang out and meet people, as a lot of my free time was in the morning before school - when everyone else was at work. I tried keeping up with a running club but they were mostly people who had a 9-5 job. I ended up running by myself most of the time. The most social I would get is online with friends back in the States or elsewhere. Then at work with staff and sometimes rude customers.
My boyfriend and I had a really close relationship, I've never lived with someone alone before and we would go on trips together. But for some reason I was getting even more and more depressed of my situation. When we did go out, it was so hard to enjoy myself. I felt like I was stuck in this job, though it would only be temporary till my Dutch got well enough, I could have a job in that language (I made it to a pre-intermediate level). I was just maybe 3 or 4 months shy of my Dutch IT classes.
One night, I was closing the bar and was there till 5am. I had the next day off and decided to go with coworkers to another bar where they lived above. I ended up cheating on my boyfriend with one of them. Never had a relationship with him and never would have taken that guy seriously. My boyfriend called me so many times and I called him back telling him exactly where I was. He offered to pick me up but I said no, that he had to go to work and that I could get home by myself, I never came back. It was already in the afternoon when I hear my boyfriend screaming. And i was too hung over to get up. I cheated on him and it's been 2 months and all I could come up with as reason are all these little details to why..
I love my boyfriend to death, but alcohol is no excuse and I definitely wasn't thinking straight. I don't even remember it as well as my boyfriend did when he came in.
It was 2 weeks shy of us flying back to California to go to my sister's wedding. After a lot of ups and downs, I eventually convinced him to come to the wedding. We confessed that this was our best relationship we've ever had.
Almost 3 weeks since he flew back to Belgium without me, I still feel like I want to try again. He is not so sure. We still keep in touch at least every week. And I feel like I'm in the dumps having to start all over here in California and I don't even want to be here.. should have thought about that before I let this all happen, right? I wish I did.
I decided to end our co-habitant contract before we left because they wouldn't give me my California Driver's license back without signing that I was leaving Belgium permanently. I needed it to be able to drive my car and sell it before I made it back.. which is something I'm still trying to do since the battery/monitors/smog check won't pass after putting in a new battery. I am in that mentality that once I have everything taken care of, I could just go back. We miss each other so much. But I know he is still trying to heal and there isn't so much for me to do about it..
I think I've been dangerously depressed having to start all over again and being in a different environment like our relationship was just a dream.. I've been on zoloft before, maybe mostly because of what I let myself go through with relationships.. I had a 2 year break from relationships till I picked this one up.. just wouldn't want to try this ever again with anyone new. A lot of emotional investment. What is your opinion?