Posted 9/9/2013 10:08 PM (GMT -6)
Okay.. I know I write on here a lot. Sorry
I am a nineteen year old college Sophomore. I go to the Academy of Art University, in San Francisco, I am majoring in Fashion Design. I myself am from Colorado.
I am writing her today because I am confused. My whole life I have wanted nothing more than to become a Fashion Design, It is all I ever dreamed of. I have always had a plan, and I have always been determined to stick with that plan. I was bullied in elementary, and Middle school. Back then I was always optimistic, thinking okay, High school and college are going to be better and I am going to be happy. High school came, and Life was the same, and I was classified as "Weird", and then I thought okay well at least I have my dreams and college.
Well college is here. It is a nightmare. Before you say I should talk to a guidance counselor, or someone at school. This school doesn't provide any of that. I am all alone, and I am not exaggerating. I have no friends, what so ever. I am lost. I thought things would be better in my second year, but it is worse. There has to be something wrong with me. Everyone else seems so happy, they have friends, and they go out to parties. I have nothing, I do not drink or smoke or anything. And I dont want to. I just wanted to be happy, and find a way out of this depression or whatever it is thats going on inside me.
I am sorry if I sound ungrateful. That is the last thing I want to be.
I am lost. I don't know what I am doing anymore, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I am just completely lost. I dont know if I want this anymore. I am not sure what I want, I don't see me going anywhere. This was my only dream and I lost it (If that makes since). I am thinking about buying a plane ticket and flying home, but then what would I do with the rest of my life. I feel like I have wasted my mom, and my grandmothers money, they worked so hard to get me here, and I am just an ungrateful JOKE. I was supossed to be the first person to graduate college. My auntie will laugh at me and diss me.
I feel like I wasted 19 years dreaming. I should of had a backup plan but I have nothing. I am good at nothing, I suck at academics, that's why I am at an art school, everyone here is so much better that me. I just really hate myself. I cant stand feeling the way I do. I would never commit suicide because I'm afraid of what God, and my family will think of me (if that makes since),and I myself am scared. But i dont want to be here anymore, on this earth. I am really scared, and I can't see my future, and I don't know what i want anymore.
I am just really lost. And nobody seems to understand how I feel. I dont even know, but I think maybe I should go home.