It has been just over 2 months now since my divorce has been finalized. Next month it will be a year since we have been living apart.
I have been completely unable to recover emotionally. I never thought I had emotional problems, until this point in my life. I am unable to find enjoyment in anything anymore. I feel like I've lost the ability to laugh and think creatively. I exist in a constant down state, and I feel powerless to escape. I've lost weight and struggle to find an appetite. There's not much that motivates me in the morning to get up. It feels like the only solution is to have my wife and family back, and I know that's not possible, which feeds my depression even more.
We got divorced because my wife had been having an affair for nearly two years. Of our six year relationship, and three years of our marriage, two of the years she spent cheating and lying to me. I know I wasn't perfect, but I know we could have worked things out... I did everything I could to fight for and restore our marriage, even after finding out about the affair last November. I signed us up for marriage counseling, and after six weeks, my ex-wife said it wasn't working and we stopped going. She moved to her parents a week later, and I discovered she had been having a long term affair by reading some of her emails.
We have a four year old son together whom I miss dearly. I have joint custody, but because of my work schedule, I still don't get to see him as often as I'd like. I get him every Monday, and every other weekend. Growing up, I didn't know my father, and I always knew being a father was one of the most important things to me. I'd have done whatever it takes in order to remain a family.
This couldn't have come at a worst time in my life. When my ex had become pregnant, we were in no way financially prepared to raise a child. She was 20 and I was 23. I started going to school, and completed my degree in computer information systems, graduating last December... a month after discovering the affair. I was hired in where I was already interning. The company was then bought out by another company in january, and the IT department is far from popular because of all of the migration changes.
With my depression relating to my divorce, it's caused me to hide away at work. I really have no friends at work, and dread going there. Everyone in the office is much older than me. I have nothing to talk about, because I've been trying to cope with my depression and divorce day to day, and I don't want to be a downer at work. I feel so overwhelmed and unappreciated at work, because everyone only sees what *doesn't* work.
I am so unbelievably jaded. I ask myself.... why did I work so hard to complete my degree to be stuck in a field I'm finding I despise, and only to be left by my wife? I have a decent paying job, but feel no better off financially than when we were receiving government assistance, because of the child support I pay. I've had to give up some of my days with my son because of emergencies at work that has caused me to stay late. It's very hard for me to concentrate at work, and I have to think critically often... My job performance has definitely slipped these last three or four months. I live with some friends, but the transition from a family life to a single life has been very difficult for me. I spend much of my time alone in my room.
Life has just lost its purpose for me. I fantasize about quitting, and just working some factory job where I can punch in and punch out, and not have to worry about some computer failing that prevents a line from running, causing me to stay late and then not see my son... This doesn't feel like the way life should be to me, but now I feel so trapped because of the student loan debt I have, and child support obligations I now have.
I'm so unhappy at work and at home. While completing my degree, I thought I'd be able to give my family a better life, and now I feel I just give my ex and her boyfriend a better life, while I spend most of my time alone wondering when I am going to feel happy again. I used to be so motivated. I know I'd be able to cope with the stresses of work if I didn't have to worry about it impacting the relationship with my son, and I had a core to come home to.
I've become despondent and a person I'm not proud of being. I just don't give a **** anymore. I used the last of my PTO Friday, and I don't know if I can stomach going into work Monday. I just want my wife and family back. I feel incapable of letting them go. At times I contemplate , which is something I never even fathomed a year ago. I used to work out regularly, and was someone people saw as an inspiration... having worked, helped raise a young child, while completing a degree.... but now I just feel like an utter failure.
Thanks to anyone that's read this. I know it's a bit of a rant. I am just so lost. I'm tempted to drive over to my exes apartment tonight, because I desperately miss her and could use the comfort.... but rationally I know it would only make things worst. God, I feel so alone... I just want to feel loved and needed....
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 10/12/2013 1:41:08 PM (GMT-6)